Who is right? Who is wrong?

Skythelimit · Dec 21, 2011

Hi Girls,

These are thethings that had happened in the past week.

We are havingpr for abroad. My h expected that he will get a job from his client Co. Itself.But his guess went wrong and he has to resign his job and he resigned last week.He got upset as, he have to spend money from savings for home expences, flightexpence, and bare all expences in abroad(may be approx. for 2 months) untill hegets a job.

Last Saturdaywe went to temple and i purchased some God stickers for Rs.70. He get irritatedand asked why u r wasting money for such things. In my point of view its notwaste. I liked those picture, so i bought. Then we get off from temple and westarted our journey by bike. These r the arguments took place between us then:

He: i wonteven get salary for this month.(anyhow he is going to get all the accumulated amountfor salaries, pf, etc while leaving Co.) . Then why u r spending money irresponsibly?(irresponsible??? .. its only his imagination)

Me: if itswaste, u r spending money for samosas, biscuits,snacks, etc at yr officecanteen. Is thats very much worth of spending money?

He: i amearning; i am spending; who r u to ask that?

Me: (i gotvery angry of his reply and increased my voice) So, as i am not earning, i don’thave any rights to spend yr money? Then why u marry me? Why didn’t u go for aworking girl? Ok, from u keep an account of spending money for me andmy kid. I will return yr money after i got a job and start earning. If u r thismuch anxious and worried of coming out of the safe zone, then why u leave yrjob? Go and get back yr resignation letter. We can live within safe zoneitself. No need to go to abroad.

He: (then hestarted saying excuses) no no. U took it in wrong way. I didn’t said in thatmeaning.

Me: No. I knowu. This is the thing in yr heart. Now it has came out of yr mouth.

He stoppedbike in road side and started shouting at me, not even caring its public. Me andMy kid are sitting in bike. Suddenly he kicked the bike and it fell down. I managedand get down taking my kid. Its a shock for me. All r looking us. What kind of jemam he is?

He: ok. Get onthe bike. We will continue our fight at home.

Me: no. I wontcome with u. (i know, within four walls, the situation will become more worse. Hewill start beat me like a goose. Deep heartedly i feel tobe in public as safe. Itsmy married life???:rant:rant)

He waited forsometime and he went off. I walked to a nearby park and sit at the platformbefore it. After 30mins. He called said sorry and all kinds of excuses. So iwent with him.

After thatagain he is showing his original face by saying, “ if yr father is alive, heitself will beat u with shoes for spending money unnecessarily”.

Here problem1: his character.

Problem 2: only hereafter we have to spend more for purchasing all items from dresses, kitchenitems, things that are cheapest here/not available at abroad, etc. How he is goingto manage without any problems?

Skythelimit · Dec 21, 2011

This is thething happened today.

i have joineda s/w course and from today class starts(7.30-9.30am). as we planned to gotemple and then to class, i got up by 5.00, then routine work, started cooking,and time is running up. 6.15 – 6.30 -6.40. Still my h didn’t wake up. Yesterdayitself i told him to getup early by 5.00 and make the kid and himself ready. (After 6 yrs of gap, i feel that, its a start for my career from level zero. So iam keen of going to temple first and to class by time) . seeing of running up time and pending works, Igot tensed, angry and wake him byshouting “ r u going to sleep till 10.00?? time is 6.40”.

You may ask “whydidn’t u wake him before itself? Why u r waiting for him to getup by himself andshooting up yr tension?” thats the great mistake of me:bonk:bonk:bonk. As my h has BP, i had a thought of waking a man having BP is not good for them, And they have to getupby themself from sleep. ( i thought good.but it went bad for me. as arithmetic law says, only "'+' and '+' results '+'. '-' with '+/-' results only '-').My h also know i wont wakeup him. I am not that intelligent to break the rules we put for ourself in some critical situations too.

He wakeupthen. I shouted, “i told yesterday itself to wakeup early. Cant u get up early?

He shoutedback, “ ahhh, poo dee, why cant you get up even early and do all work? Or whycant u just leave it, and i will cook after u went to class”. I wont prefer himto work when i am not at home as, he will not care the kid, leave him lonely,while he is in kitchen.

As he raise hisvoice, i too raise my voice. As there is no time, i planned of leaving remainingcooking work to him, and getting ready of myself alone and just go for nearbytemple and going to class by time by picking some auto. As i am very angry, isaid this in harsh way, the same way he told on Saturday, after i get on inbike.

After thatagain he is showing his original face by saying,
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“ if yr father is alive, heitself will beat u with shoes for spending money
unnecessarily”.

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Then hestarted beating me like a goost. i beat myself with a drawer, results bloodflowing. Then all kind of dirty stories took place, he said all bad mouth aboutme, my family, my generation.. i too shouted all bad mouth about him, hisfamily, his generation...

I know my h will also read this:rant.

blessed · Dec 21, 2011

First of all let me tell my opinion from your husbands point of you.... right now he is very very frustrated and unsecured...first point he has resigned his job, secondly he is not sure when he is going to get his job abroad, it may take a month or more than that... so he wants to spend money carefully at least until that period... so you spending on some stickers though not much money he felt it was unnecessary...

e

: if itswaste, u r spending money for samosas, biscuits,snacks, etc at yr officecanteen. Is thats very much worth of spending money?

He: i amearning; i am spending; who r u to ask that?

Me: (i gotvery angry of his reply and increased my voice) So, as i am not earning, i don’thave any rights to spend yr money? Then why u marry me? Why didn’t u go for aworking girl? Ok, from u keep an account of spending money for me andmy kid. I will return yr money after i got a job and start earning. If u r thismuch anxious and worried of coming out of the safe zone, then why u leave yrjob? Go and get back yr resignation letter. We can live within safe zoneitself. No need to go to abroad.
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First you trig erred his anger..... angry words were exchanged... both were using hurtful words ... i feel you should support his decision and be more encouraging instead of chiding him to take back his resignation ( I dont know how far its possible) . He wanted to give you all a better life for which he was opting a job abroad but at the moment he is tensed since he still didn't get a permanent job... as a wife you should be more supportive and positive instead of irritating him.. JMO

shruthisp · Dec 21, 2011

Ur husband is worried about future and he is venting it out in all ways.
I have heard that in general People used to get more anger in two cases 1.When having Physical health related issues 2. When has money issues
U should have stopped when he aplogised for the first time. U made ur point.. Thats it.. Period..
He seems to be a loving husband if not he would have never apologised..
My suggestion would be that,U gotta act little mature till gets job and feels secured financially.. I am not saying u should not express your feeling, express it but keep it to the point.
Moving to a different country with no support is difficult and that too when he has a dependant wife and kid. please understand that..
P.S - DV is strictly offensive and cant be accepted at any cause.

anjananathan · Dec 21, 2011

first of all, he is tensed bcos of no job and he is looking into each and every penny.. ur point is logically valid on samosa/snacks but u should try telling it when he is calm.. that too he is already having BP..

sit together and take joint effort to reduce the unwanted expenses..both can give ideas and finally decide the items to cut.. u and me fight will not work..

he does not have rights to beat u.. tell him that .. finally did u attend ur class or not?

lakvishy · Dec 21, 2011

I agree with the other bloggers. U are all at a foreign location without a continual flow of income.

You should be more tolerant of his anger. Acc. to me it is completely your fault for these misunderstandings.

Stickers of god, u can get some other time too, Temple you can go in the evening also. You could light the lamp in your prayer house, pray and then could have gone to the class. In the evening u could have gone to the temple.

This way ur second fight would also have not started.

Take care, these small things can lead to bitterness. Try to let go of things ...

Skythelimit · Dec 21, 2011

Thanks for your replies.
yes, i too accept, and want tobe a supportive wife.

but any effort should be from 2 ways, and cant be one way.

my prevoius threads says the path i had travelled and now i am takingtablets for depression too(for yr information).

Once upon a time (early yrs of my marriage), i loved my h more; i tolerated,tolerated and tolerated each and every thing from small to big. After marriagethe one and only thing i did was TOLERATING.

But now, i don’t have any love for him; now even if he shows kindness, no emotions or love is felt in my heart. i am not able to and don’t want totolerate or accept any small thing and injustice .

i am already facing ups and downs in my emotions. even a small stone(smallproblems) making me to fall terribly. and its like i have to depend only ondepression tablets tobe in good mood.

in this situation, i cant be like a puncing bag, or like a dustbin tothrowaway all his emotions on me. isnt it?

@anjananathan,

not attended class today.

flowerlady · Dec 21, 2011

STL,
Calm down. Both of you are tense because of what happened. Losing job is a big blow. He will hate begging to get previous job back.He will be junior again , people will say that he came back after resigning. He must be so frustrated with the events.
You should attend classes , you will improve your prospects .
Both of you should sit down and talk. No need to point fingers at each other.
He should promise never to hit you and you should also promise not to nag him.
Both of you are wrong to a certain extent and are behaving like kids.

You have an entire life before you to buy stuff you want , right now it would be best to watch the pennies.

satchitananda · Dec 21, 2011

Dear Skythelimit,

Your username is such a positive one. I read all your posts. Have you always had problems with your husband or only after he resigned? Why did he choose to resign before he got a confirmed job abroad? Anyway, now the deed is done, and you need to think of a positive way forward.

First thing is you both need to sit down together and decide what expenses are dispensable, and what are the essentials in your life. While you feel that eating out is a luxury (but going by your post, he ate in the office canteen - which means this was before he resigned), he might feel that you can still pray and do poojai without spending on stickers at this point in time.

I am certainly not defending your husband's behaviour. Violence of any kind is not to be tolerated under any circumstances. Just think what example you both are setting your kid.

What you need to do right now is to do something positive like trying to get good jobs for yourselves. You took a good step in that direction by enrolling for classes so as to start of on a career from scratch. Then what did you do? Got your priorities all mixed up, have a silly fight over going to the temple and don't go to class. God helps those who help themselves (not necessarily depending on when and how frequently you visit the temple). Do you think you are going to get anywhere by missing classes? Focus lady, focus.

Both of you behaved badly and it's high time you got your priorities right - financial as well as life priorities.

i am already facing ups and downs in my emotions. even a small stone(smallproblems) making me to fall terribly. and its like i have to depend only ondepression tablets tobe in good mood.
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Recognizing that you are depressed is one big step forward. Have you consulted the doc about taking anti-depressants? That you need tablets to be in a good mood is not true. If you know you are depressed, ask yourself why you are depressed.

If it is because of the current situation, set your priorities right, qualify yourself, get a job and you can be happy.

If you are not happy in your marriage, may be you need to consider solutions to rectify those problems. Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor?

Megalife · Dec 21, 2011

Dear Skyisthelimit
If there's will power and determination then of course "Sky is the limit"; most of us in this forum have gone thru some kinds of issues in life, be it professional, health related, loss of a dear friend/family, marital etc. etc. In these situation losing ones head is the last and final blow. Satchi's post is almost like a session with a councellor; chalk out your priorities and you too have been at fault, viz Satchi's lines

While you feel that eating out is a luxury (but going by your post, he ate in the office canteen - which means this was before he resigned), he might feel that you can still pray and do poojai without spending on stickers at this point in time.
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How would you feel when you are hard up of cash, your sons just goes and buys a Xbox??..no too good, right?

Also these constant scenes which you guys put up is a real set back on your kids; they are watching and imbibing all of your actions...so be on the watchful side...plz. for their sake atleast!
Mega