Which is correct

What seems like such nice nature to outsider, to people like us (I am not sure BuviVishal you feel that but i do) it feels like weaknees why we can not reply back. Not only in personal life but also in professional life,i feel constarint by this.
somy two cents, if you do not reply...give a feelthough that you are 'ignoring' her to make sure that she does not feel that you are 'tolearting'it. Initially do it politely. If she does not stop taunting....in 3-4 times, make sures to speak and discuss like adults.You must bring it up and talk calmly.
Goodluck

 

Yes..Dear..for us it seems a good nature..but actually its weakness..I am of the same nature..I never shouted back on anyone..never raise my voice against my parents or in-laws..but i think more of good nature it has become weakness..Now my MIL keep on saying anything to me..and I keep on listening like a deaf ear..I wish I could say just to shut her mouth and let me leave in peace..Sometimes I think even God is also not there..because ill speaking people are strong and still standing whereas people like us are always bending ourselves in front of all

 

If u keep hearing and never say anything it is assumed that u will hear everything no matter what. But there is a limit and u should not take it beyond that. If she says something which needs to be worked on (e.g. some thing about food or house maintenance activity) do that, but ignore her nonsense talks by not responding and keeping busy. She needs to know that u won't pay attention to her stupid talks. Be happy don't cry..just know that u have to be happy for urself no matter what..and MILs are insecure abt losing control of the house, their son, everything they have controlled for all her life so she will behave in this way by uttering things which disturb u. You have to be strong and don't get disturbed. Once she knows she can't affect u like this she will stop eventually! Best of luck dear.. :thumbsup

 

Buvi
Its not which approach is correct. Both are right...its the timing that's more important and harder to get right.
At times we have dig in our heels and be firm in what we want/believe in ,there will be times when we have to accept our mistakes gracefully and sometimes we just have to ignore and let go.Pick ur battles and try not to involve ur DH in every single thing.

 

OP, you remind me a lot of myself in my initial married years. It is not that long since you got married, and hence it is natural to feel these apprehensions. I too was like you-would let my MIL talk about me, my parents, what they did/did not do for the wedding etc. In the first year, I just let her talk what she wanted to, out of fear and respect. Like you, I would cry about it later on. I was also like you-not able to talk back to people when they made rude comments.

The second year, I tried answering back, but it did not work as my MIL is quite blunt and also gets defensive and indicated that she did not care about my feelings, which hurt more. I was trying this the first time in my life and failed badly. To add to this, my MIL openly favours my cosister and there have been many instances when she and I have been treated differently for doing the exact same thing.

What helps in my case, however, is that I do not stay with her. I discussed this with my H and he told me to minimize contact with her for my own peace and talk to her only when required. This helped a lot. I then started to develop thicker skin and dodge her comments. This includes openly lying at times and not giving her details on stuff to avoid arguments :-D About your parents, you can just ignore what she says and defend them if she says something very rude or just answer back-this is what I would do.

Since you stay with her, please do not remain like this for long. It will be very depressing in the long run. You either have to start answering back or just walk away citing some excuse so that she knows you do not like it. Initially it will be difficult but it will soon grow on her. Do not be rude, just be assertive and keep smiling. Help her out, go out with her and all that but she says rude things do not take it lying down.

GL!

 

I agree with Anusha.

From my experience,

In the first few years of my married life,I was just like you.I believed that my MIL is a very good person and of soft nature( she speaks very softly and behaves as if she is afraid of her husband).I never reacted when she was insulting me and my family in a subtle way.I always wanted to please her and ended with spending all my husband's salary showering gifts on her and in turn for her elder son and elder DIL.We didn't save anything and she didn't advise us also.

Then,reality dawned on us one day,when my PILs sold their house (3 houses with two commercial buildings)without our knowledge and transferred everything to their elder son's name.They even bought a house under their elder son's name.When we were asking "What about us?",they simply replied "You have savings.Buy a house applying loan.".We didn't have a single penny as savings and the only income was my hubby's salary.Till the date ,they sold their house ,PILs were staying with us.

We told them that we need something in hand as initial money even for applying house loan,they simply shrugged off saying that you should have saved for your future.They also advised to borrow money from our relatives if we needed and were also ready to lend money from their account for 3% interest.How is it?

We were shocked initially but soon recovered.Recently we bought our house and my parents helped us for the initial amount.

As I remained calm whenever my MIL speaks insultingly ,she is still expecting me to be so.I was brought up in a joint family and taught to be polite ,respecting elders and everything a perfect DIL should do.I tried it all.But never able to satisfy them.

So,I decided to part our ways and live my life peacefully.Fortunately,my husband is a very understanding person.My ILs and myself are in speaking terms .That's more than enough.My PILs visit us once in 4 months ,stay for a week,ask us to take them outing,buy something and leave.They want me to cook a grand feast every day they stay and don't even bother about our sons even if they are unwell.My hubby use to call them once in a month for courtesy and they never call back.If I write my PILs thiruvilayaadal ,I will end up writing a big book.

If we don't react immediately when we are humiliated,all those anger is stored deep down in our sub conscious mind.When it comes out ,believe me it will spoil the whole relationship.Still a lot of resentment is deep down my heart and I know it.My PILs don't know that sleeping beast inside my mind.If they wake it up ,they are finished.(just joking ).

Nearly for the past three,four years ,I have made some rules and regulations and I stick to it.I read Anusha's other threads and she has written them exactly.Follow them.

 

BhuviVishal ...
If it bothers you too much then I think you should tell her. Be polite but firm. If its just snide comments about the stuff you do then ignore it. I suggest doing it when your H is there at home to so you MIL cannot tell him later more than what you actually said. If you are going to confront her then pls make sure your husband is there and very much included in the conversation. As for the stuff she tells about the jewelry, vessels etc. dont think about it. She might say stuff for a while but afterwards, like after she sees how much effort you are putting into the family (might take a while for her to get it, but I think she will eventually) she will stop all that. Dont worry too much and just go with the flow.

 

I believe all of us know our true worth , So when my MIL says somethings which are not true just to hurt i ignore it literally and put it down to her petty mindedness. Please remember no one can hurt you unless you allow them. There are people who will always put you down / insult or plain mean. Don't pay heed to useless words.