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Where Do We Belong?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by CRASHASH, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Wow you put it in just one line, this is what I feel when I lose my sanity. Thanks for the remaining tips, I know I sound like a complaining person but I recently lost sanity and became emotional. Anyway, I will keep your points in mind.
     
  2. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi we don't really belong in IL family. My IL did not make me part of their family, and ask for my opinions until I completely washed my hands of them, and they would ask me for advice/help. The key is stay away from decisions in the family, live your life. If they ask for your opinion give it. If your husband bothers you about it, say you don't want to offend them or overstep your boundaries. Key is you can't let them tell you what to do or control your life. Visit your dad and brother as you wish. If they say something say just like you need SIL opinion on a few matters, they also require my opinion so need to go help them. If you need something let me know. Say it in front of husband. As well, next time there is pooja or renovation a few times ask in front of husband, "mummy ji you working so hard anything I can do" she will say no, or she needs to consult someone and then once DH hears this, talk to him later in private and say, see they don't need my help. Open up the communication between you two.
     
    Amica and DDream like this.
  3. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you for the tips and sharing your views! I think I need a change over in my attitude I will try to work on that.
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    All this is quite common. Many times we suffered due to SIL's wrong decisions which increased our expenses and caused us financial hardships. I feel bad for my DH. I don't care about money anymore but I feel he should get the respect and decision power that he deserves. I love him so much so it hurts to see .

    So I make sure in my little world, my husband gets a lot of importance and decision power. He is very intelligent and I trust him with my life. In our little world, we give importance to each other and we both are happy. That is where we really belong-with our spouse.

    For inlaws, we should do our duty wholeheartedly - but we cant make them to give us/our husband any importance.We have to satisfy our emotional needs from husband, kids and our parents. And never leave your parents- even after marriage - we have rights and duties towards our parents - and if we try to keep the same strong bond with parents we will not be so lonely.

     
  5. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your valuable input. Looks like all these are way too common...
     
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  6. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Tldr: we belong where we put ourselves in.

    This reply might sound philosophical but it has given me a bit of perspective so I am lending it to you.

    Firstly, my situation was close to yours, except that I am a mum to 2 wonderful children. No, somehow to me,it doesn't make it worse per se with children involved as it only gave me a clear perspective.

    I whined for 2 years or so on the same issue that I was left out of all the major decisions. Here I was thinking that we are a team and there were all big financial decisions made without even telling me ( hid altogether). I was shattered not because of the decissions which potentially affect my (our)children's future but for the fact that I felt deceived.

    2 years of explaining and communication, and torturing myself over it...nothing changes ( except I got emaciated and got endowed with dark circles).
    Then the little epiphany which was over due:
    What if I go to a doctor over a stomach ache and he says I got 4 months to live?. So, I had all the time and energy all thru and I wasted it on people who would only pretend to be sad on my demise. The very moments I could have used better.. for my children, my self or for the people living with me in this world around the same time who could use my help.

    It was a struggle but I am slowly but surely getting there. I do plan as much for my kids future with the savings I can manage ( I only earn 1/4 of my DH) but I want to live right now. There are so many things kids need ( which are more precious than money) and I vow to be there for them.

    My husband is a good son and a good dad. He makes kids very happy and he surely does his part, just that financially he is brain washed to think that all the investments will be coming back to his children right though my inlaws. My inlaws too like yours protect my 48yr old sister in law like a 4 year old and her daughter (24yr) as a 1 year old. I wont be surprised if all of it goes to her and my niece. They have built a cocoon of self pity and are happy to sulk in it and obligate my husband to give away all his earning to her.

    I cant pull that trick. I am too lazy for that I suppose, to wallow in self pity for the rest of my life.

    To realise that the only thing we are truly and 100% capable of is to do what WE can do. You can either spend rest of your life time thinking and trying and wallowing to change them OR to take the charge and just peacefully go walk forward with what you got!.( if it involves abuse, then run forward). Atleast when I am 60 I dont look back saying ' I wasted my life on these people and still nothing changed'. That would be a bummer wouldnt it :).

    Its been so long I typed such a big answer!!.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The lucky ones amongst us who get to make a home with our husband and children, belong in this home .

    Parents and inlaws are not life partners.
    Husband is.
    Make your lovely home your kingdom.
     
    CRASHASH, Topaz49 and deepthyanoop like this.
  8. strei

    strei New IL'ite

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    Going through the same thought. Had love cum arranged marriage but the person not at all bothered for me if its mother or sis infront..
     

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