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Where Do We Belong?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by CRASHASH, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    I have been married for 6 years now. From the very first day of my marriage till today, my relation with DH family is not that great. My MIL is the matriarch of the family, Sil and her family lives nearby. We both stay away in Mumbai due to DH's work. We visit our hometown every month and spend time with our respective families. Every time, I have to make my way through and visit my place as my Mil dislikes my proximity with my dad and brother but to her dismay I do not listen to everything that she says, I never fight with her but every time when there's difference of opinion I put across my point of view and let her know. She is a strong lady who brought up her kids well but the problem is she is too possessive. So, according to her I don't belong to my maternal home anymore as I have become the property of her house. However, whether it's buying/selling home, conducting Pooja, inviting relatives and friends for family functions or attending such activities, repairs/alterations and everything else she does those only after consulting her daughter and son in law. She conveniently forgets me. She also puts my DH in fix as she indirectly tells him that 'your wife should ask if she wants to be part of it'. when I go ahead and ask she says ' I will have to discuss it with my son in law, I will let you know'. Funny thing is, my DH sponsors everything in the family. He is forbidden from making his sister spend on anything (even for her own family) and he also likes it as he feels his sis is making a great sacrifice by taking care of his mom (mil is 54 and in good shape). So when it comes to my family, my work or anything related to me - I belong to their household and hence, I have to obey them but when it comes to their family and everything I am nowhere in the picture.

    Even though, we both live away, our house is not considered 'home' (by DH & Mil). I cannot fight with my mil and say 'you keep your daughter away' because my mil & DH love my Sil a lot. They don't do anything without her consent (I am expected to stay silent and let them do what they want, my suggestions are neither asked nor heard) and my DH doesn't believe in doing anything without telling those two. So when the two ladies get involved I get side tracked. SIL is treated as 'Lakshmi' and she is never told a 'no' to anything she asks, same with her daughter as well. So a thought passed my mind: where do we belong? By 'we' I mean, we; women. We leave our house and come to a new family but under such situations where daughters are considered important than the daughter in laws where do we belong? What do you all think?
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    OK. .. speaking from my POV and that of like minded people I live with... I believe we (women) primarily belong to our immediate family. Not just women, but any human being!
    Immediate family is our family that we create. Myself + My H+ our kids.
    Then of course we have connection with our extended families, mainly to our birth family and then with sibling's families and if things go smooth, in laws family too.

    I have fullest control over my very own family. It is all about me and him as adults to decide things.
    I can no longer influence my birth family the way I used to before my marriage. But I know that I have a special place there.
    In my case, like yours... I have no place at in laws house.
    Every decision at there is taken by PILS. My BILs have a strong say there. Then comes my H's opinions.
    We co-sisters are just dummies
    We dance as per PILS tunes whenever we visit there. After all it is their home, their lives.
    So what...
    They too have no say in our lives and our homes.
    This way, life is smooth.

    If you feel like you are letting your MIL to control your personal life way too much, then it is time to make a full stop.
    You are the director of your own life. Be mindful.
    But, what and how they chose to prioritise their DD shouldn't affect you. Rather, you think about how best to enjoy the same with your own mom.
    A daughter is always special than a DIL.
    Accept this and cherish your role as a daughter to your mom the most.
     
  3. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you for taking time to read out my rant!
    my mom passed away when I was 13. It's just my dad and brother and me in my immediate family. So as a daughter I do understand daughters hold a special place. I think what you said here makes sense to me coz that's what I am trying to do. When I am in Mumbai, it's my place. But at times I do feel that I am fighting alone as my DH feels his home is where his mom is. He feels 'guilty' to leave out his mom & sister and involve me. Nonetheless, I take my own decisions, at least that I can do, as nobody can control that.
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Gold IL'ite

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    You should be fine assuming you stand your ground and don’t do anything you don’t want to. You can be the center of your own universe.
    Very few daughter in laws get treated like daughters. Accept it and live your life without dwelling much.
    Don’t ever make the mistake of moving closer to in laws .
     
    Laks09, CRASHASH, Sunshine04 and 3 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Your MIL is hanging on to a few vestiges of the past without much success. You are also hanging on to the ways of the past by saying "we leave our house and come to a new family..." and you are entering into unnecessary competition with your SIL, and asking "where do we belong?"

    You are able to visit your family as you like. You are able to put across your point of view. That is a good state. That sums up the relationship most people in most cultures have with their in-laws.

    He is a grown man who you say was brought up well by a strong lady. Put the blame where it belongs. If he is in a fix, he can figure out how to come free of that.

    There must be some history and some future to this sponsoring. Anyway, instead of wondering where we belong, and why they are not including you in house repair, alterations, pooja, functions, inviting relatives, you can take what you already have and figure out how to make the best of it, how to improve on that.

    You are already staying away. That's good for now. Keep things that way at least till you and husband have a better understanding. Make a tactical change in what you want: instead of becoming part of every decision and competing with the SIL and son-in-law, you slowly work towards a system where you are not directly involved in the decisions, but your husband's opinion is clearly influenced by you. Go about this tactfully. The end goal is to reach a state where you and your husband deal with each's birth family independently, but the birth family knows very well that it was a joint opinion/decision.

    You have a good set up. SIL is there near your MIL.. or your husband would be torn between his work and duty to mother. Or even worse, she would move to Mumbai. Cut down on the times you make your opinion known to your MIL. Try some diplomacy.
     
    hermitcrab, Laks09, SunPa and 2 others like this.
  6. Greenbay

    Greenbay Finest Post Winner

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    @SGBV , Not related to your post here but I have interacted with you in the past and know that you are from Sri Lanka. Hope you and your family are safe. Our prayers are with your country in the current tragedy.
     
    SGBV, KashmirFlower and shravs3 like this.
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    This inter-play of, "you cannot be part of your family and yet you are not a part of this family" is an age old one and rampant in many households, including mine. You can't do much about that.

    Stating your view and standing by it is an awesome step towards being assertive.

    About this below -

    "She also puts my DH in fix as she indirectly tells him that 'your wife should ask if she wants to be part of it'. when I go ahead and ask she says ' I will have to discuss it with my son in law, I will let you know"

    This is ridiculous - your H should be TELLING her that your are his wife and you have the RIGHT to attend this event and need not ask.

    Two ways to deal with it - 1) tell your H not to be her mouth piece and if she wants to tell you that, she should tell you herself.

    This will make realize he is being made a puppet if he hasn't been able to figure that out.

    2) Tell him to make sure that his mother has permission from her son-in-law before you go and ask -
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I think it's better not to give power to someone else to control our life through their treatment. We cannot change others, but we can control our response. It's not easy, but doable. I read this article. Its exactly the same, I feel.
    On being treated like an outsider
     
  9. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the tips! Yeah, I think Diplomacy is what I need to continue practicing here. Needed some opinions and I value all your points thx!
     
  10. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    Yeah you are right, shouldn't give control to others or at least we shouldn't feel powerless, but marriage is something between 2 people and the rest is irrelevant, however, when those 2 are not on the same page that's the problem the other has to deal with. I will keep your line in mind, thanks for comforting words!
     

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