When Did Things Get Better With Your Il In Your Marriage

Good to know that your DH has understood everything and you are all happy

I have been married for only 2 years now and living abroad so never got the chance to live with my IL. I stayed at their place only for few days and never confronted them for whatever they did and instead took everything to my heart.

Since I didn't shared much with my husband about how I felt, we were always on different pages whenever there was an issue. My husband left home after his schooling and always stayed away from family and visited them only on festivals so he didn't had the knowledge of how things would turn in family after marriage and general family politics.

It took me sometime to make him understand what I am going through with all the problems and finally understood everything and my ILs are different and would play their card real nice. My FIL is very straight forward and would talk everything as he wants and my husband never had good rapport with his dad on this but my MIL is very passive aggressive and would like to get to be good on my DH side and as well try to make her point.

It's still going on but my husband understood everything and being my cornerstone to put up with these emotional problems. Only drawback is "We are unable to plan a trip to India afraid of these problems". Still working on that and I miss my parents and siblings so much.

 

Dear OP,

Well guess that worked out for you and esp since Dh saw their true colors and you are now free from all the unwanted stress!

You may remember my post about guilting about not being a great Dil and blah blah blah... I have been trying to change things by attempting to talk to ILs & normalize things (don't want them to hate me or anything).. And I must say it was quite hard initially as they did not respond much / did not acknowledge & I would feel disappointed that my efforts are not answered. I almost wanted to give up since it did not make a difference. But recently on a phone call, I jumped in again and both ILs talked nicely to me I have been happier than ever!! It may not work for everyone & I am not advocating that everyone else shd do it, but I am happy for now, so guess it worked for me.

 

Going to do a happy dance for you , dost ! Hope you can get rid of that guilt now !

 

My story is similar to yours, ever since we got married we stayed abroad and whenever we went to our hometown we were given VIP treatment since they knew we would only stay there for few days. My DH was very affectionate towards his family especially mom and sis. He used to send them money regularly for no reason. Saying that let them enjoy their life, since they were not financially. He was not ready to listen to anything against them. I got fed up and stopped interfering in there matters... It did help me to live in peace.
But when we relocated back after 9 years....My DH started seeing thier true colours... It went to an extent where he severed ties with his sis on his own, without me having to do anything....
So i guess sometimes, husbands start defending their family even more when we complain about them.
Now, I am trying to patch up things with them. I feel extended family is very important, it is only that you should not be taking undue advantage of them and interfere in their personal issues.
It might take a while, but you just need to hang on and surely things go on well if you are in the right path.
AKRITII

 

Good thread, and it is always great to share positive experience here.

I've been married for 9 years, and the first 2-3 years were horrible. Particularly year 2 and 3 were the worst of all. since I was in dream land during the first year; I failed to notice anything evil around then.

After the first kid was conceived, MIL behaved horribly. I saw her true face only after that.
In fact, FIL was insecure and both of them started their master-plans during then. I assume, it was because they realized my H's affection for me after my pregnancy.
They twisted the things, poisoned my H and turned him against me on the pretext of establishing a better future for him.
All these times, they would blame my upbringing, my mom - as if she was poisoning me, and other stuff but never blame me directly to H. But they had a different face before me or before the rest of the world.
So ultimately my H trusted them. He felt that I have misunderstood them or my life style is the problem after marriage.

To cut this sob story short, I've opted for temporary separation, since I could no longer bear this stress. I feared a lot about my newborn than me that time.
I moved out of the country, and found my freedom. I breathed the fresh air after so long

My H felt lonely; thus reunited with us very soon. He promised to change, and tried to change as a new person this time.
We completely cut off all the ties with PILs, since I refused to remain married if my life would be further disturbed by PILs.
So, my H maintained a low profiled solo relationship with PILs in the meantime.
Long distance helped quit a bit.

However, after 2-3 years, we've moved back to home for good, and settled here. PILs happened to be our neighbors, yet I remained very cold with them.
My H took sincere efforts to be the bridge here, but nothing worked out. It further strained our relationship.
I became sick due to the stress and fear associated with PILs and their evils acts, though they remained very diplomatic outside.

That's when I started going for a prayer center, and enrolled to a meditation program there.
I would cry about my stress during the prayer times, and those pastors would console me by giving hopes from the bible.
They have asked me to leave everything upto God, and enjoy my life as it comes.
They have asked me to stop worrying about the past or future, since God definitely has a better plan for me.
This somewhat changed me.

I've stopped caring about my PILs or their moves since then. I behaved good, and started to forgive them since they behaved good outside.
I've stopped looking for meanings and reasons behind their acts. Rather, I've accepted them as my PILs - as someone different from my circle; hence stopped expecting anything from them.

We both mended our ways for good, and reciprocated each other. In the mean time, we maintained our boundaries.
My H was really happy about this, and promised me to stand by my side should evil things ever happen again.
This time, he has changed to be a responsible man, so I believed him.

Slowly in the coming years, everything has changed positively. PILs started to love their grand-kids dearly. They cared about our well-being, and supported us when we were in need.
Gradually, they became somewhat dependable relatives; thus we shared a good bond with them.

Still there are hiccups, and dark times when both (me and MIL) gets into each others nerves.
I am sure, my H hears an earful from both ends during those times. But he manages somehow.

We do not take our problems to the next level. We move on and accept each other as who they are.

Despite of our religious, cultural and ethnic differences, we are doing better.