What Women Really mean

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by prathi, Mar 8, 2006.

  1. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

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    <TABLE cellPadding=10 width="90%" border=1><TD vAlign=top><CENTER>She says:</CENTER><TD vAlign=top><CENTER>She really means:</CENTER><TD vAlign=top>Fine<TD vAlign=top>This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)<TD vAlign=top>Five Minutes<TD vAlign=top>This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.<TD vAlign=top>Nothing<TD vAlign=top>Nothing means something and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usualy used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.<TD vAlign=top>Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)<TD vAlign=top>This is not permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over Nothing and you'll have a Five Minute discussion that will end with the word Fine.<TD vAlign=top>Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows)<TD vAlign=top>This is not permission, either. It means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.<TD vAlign=top>Loud Sigh<TD vAlign=top>This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing!<TD vAlign=top>Soft Sigh<TD vAlign=top>Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.<TD vAlign=top>Oh<TD vAlign=top>This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says Oh before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is Fine when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. (Oh as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow Go Ahead, sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.)<TD vAlign=top>That's Okay<TD vAlign=top>This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go Ahead. Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.<TD vAlign=top>Please Do<TD vAlign=top>This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a That's Okay.<TD vAlign=top>Thanks<TD vAlign=top>The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "You're welcome."<TD vAlign=top>Thanks A Lot<TD vAlign=top>Thanks A Lot is dramatically different from Thanks. A woman will say Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the Loud Sigh. This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.
     
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  2. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

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    What Men really mean

    <TABLE cellPadding=10 width="90%" border=1><TD vAlign=top><CENTER>He says:</CENTER><TD vAlign=top><CENTER>He really means:</CENTER><TD vAlign=top>I'm going fishing.<TD vAlign=top>I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.<TD vAlign=top>Let's take your car.<TD vAlign=top>Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.<TD vAlign=top>Woman Driver<TD vAlign=top>Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.<TD vAlign=top>Uh huh.
    or
    Sure, honey.
    or
    Yes, dear.<TD vAlign=top>Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.<TD vAlign=top>Have you lost weight?<TD vAlign=top>I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.<TD vAlign=top>My wife doesn't understand me.<TD vAlign=top>She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.<TD vAlign=top>It would take too long to explain.<TD vAlign=top>I have no idea how it works.<TD vAlign=top>I'm getting more exercise lately.<TD vAlign=top>The batteries in the remote are dead.<TD vAlign=top>I got a lot done.<TD vAlign=top>I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.<TD vAlign=top>We're going to be late.<TD vAlign=top>Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.<TD vAlign=top>I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.<TD vAlign=top>I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.<TD vAlign=top>Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.<TD vAlign=top>I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.<TD vAlign=top>That's interesting, dear.<TD vAlign=top>Are you still talking?<TD vAlign=top>Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.<TD vAlign=top>I forgot our anniversary again.<TD vAlign=top>It's a really good movie.<TD vAlign=top>It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear (or Rene Russo).<TD vAlign=top>You know how bad my memory is.<TD vAlign=top>I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.<TD vAlign=top>I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.<TD vAlign=top>The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.<TD vAlign=top>Football is a man's game.<TD vAlign=top>Women are generally too smart to play it.<TD vAlign=top>Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.<TD vAlign=top>I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.<TD vAlign=top>I do help around the house.<TD vAlign=top>I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.<TD vAlign=top>Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.<TD vAlign=top>And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.<TD vAlign=top>What did I do this time?<TD vAlign=top>What did you catch me at?<TD vAlign=top>She's one of those rabid feminists.<TD vAlign=top>She refused to make my coffee.<TD vAlign=top>I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.<TD vAlign=top>I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.<TD vAlign=top>I heard you.<TD vAlign=top>I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.<TD vAlign=top>You know I could never love anyone else.<TD vAlign=top>I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.<TD vAlign=top>You look terrific.<TD vAlign=top>Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.<TD vAlign=top>I brought you a present.<TD vAlign=top>It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.<TD vAlign=top>I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.<TD vAlign=top>No one will ever see us alive again.<TD vAlign=top>We share the housework.<TD vAlign=top>I make the messes, she cleans them up.<TD vAlign=top>This relationship is getting too serious.<TD vAlign=top>I like you more than my truck.<TD vAlign=top>I recycle.<TD vAlign=top>We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.<TD vAlign=top>Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.<TD vAlign=top>Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"<TD vAlign=top>I broke up with her.<TD vAlign=top>She dumped me.<TD vAlign=top>Will you marry me?<TD vAlign=top>Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.<TD vAlign=top>I don't care what color you paint the kitchen.<TD vAlign=top bgColor=#99ffcc top>As long as it's not blue</B>, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, [color=#0a00e]mauve[/color], black, turquoise or any other color besides white.<TD vAlign=top>It's a guy thing.<TD vAlign=top>There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.<TD vAlign=top>Can I help with dinner?"<TD vAlign=top>Why isn't it already on the table?<TD vAlign=top>Good idea.<TD vAlign=top>It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.<TD vAlign=top>Hey, I've read all the classics.<TD vAlign=top>I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.<TD vAlign=top>You cook just like my mother used to.<TD vAlign=top>She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.<TD vAlign=top>You expect too much of me.<TD vAlign=top>You want me to stay awake.<TD vAlign=top>That's women's work.<TD vAlign=top>It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.<TD vAlign=top>Go ask your mother.<TD vAlign=top>I am incapable of making a decision.<TD vAlign=top>I can't find it.<TD vAlign=top>It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.<TD vAlign=top>What do you mean, you need new clothes?"<TD vAlign=top>You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.<TD vAlign=top>But I hate to go shopping.<TD vAlign=top>Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.<TD vAlign=top>No, I left plenty of gas in the car.<TD vAlign=top>You may actually get it to start.<TD vAlign=top>I missed you.<TD vAlign=top>I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.<TD vAlign=top>It sure snowed last night.<TD vAlign=top>I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.<TD vAlign=top>It's good beer.<TD vAlign=top>It was on sale.<TD vAlign=top>I don't need to read the instructions.<TD vAlign=top>I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. <TD vAlign=top>I'll fix the garbage disposal later.<TD vAlign=top>If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.<TD vAlign=top>I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.<TD vAlign=top>Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window
     
  3. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My own 2 cents, Prathi ! This is from my own dictitionary !

    Woman to Man

    O K ( emphasise on both the alphabets)–

    I know when & how to give you back – wait for me to pounce on you at your most vulnerable moment, dear !

    Well done, dear:

    I need you to fix up a few more things in the house, till then I will repeat this ! nothing less !

    Man to woman:

    You are so good at time management, honey:

    I need you to run around today to do some chores for me, as well !

    You cook really well, now;

    A batallion from my family is coming to spend a few days with us in our house !


    Now, don't be surprised if this continues !
    Happy Women's day !
    Love & regards,
    Chithra.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2006
  4. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

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    ha ha ha we are smarter than men!!!!

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." :clap
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Revealing more of my tricks !

    Woman to man:

    Let us do this together, dear.

    You take care of the “ doing “ part & I will take care of “ giving you instructions” part !

    Your mom has brought you up so well dear !

    If she had brought you up really smart, how could I have scored over you ?


    Love & regards,
    Chithra.
     
  6. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

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    One more to make women happier on this day!!!

    A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study, which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

    "See, dear. I told you women are always rattling on."

    She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband, "If women use twice as many words as men, it must be because they have to repeat everything they say."

    "What, dear?"
     
  7. meenu

    meenu Bronze IL'ite

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    hi you both rock!

    dear prathi and chithra,
    your messages are cheeky and hilarious. here i am enjoying women's day sitting so early in front of computer and laughing heartily. thank you for starting my day so happily.i am waiting to see how Mr induslady reacts to these. ha ha ha.
    regards.,
    meenu
     
  8. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Prathi, Mrs. Chitra.....these were hilarious as Meena has rightly said......
    I have been laughing away from the time i have logged on.....and i have just started the DAY!
    Have fun all of you, I guess today is our day and the MEN better tolerate us .....ha ha..
    Prathi that table was great, i went through the whole thing to see if they tally, and rightly they do! I just remined my husband to wish me, which of course he did politely, but then was wondering if there was a MEN'S Day....to which of course i just raised my eyebrows!:p

    HAVE A GOOD TIME ALL OF YOU AND LETS SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES MAYBE TOMORROW!
     
  9. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

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    Men and women are not alike

    MATURITY:
    Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
    function as adults.


    Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
    giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
    romances rarely work out


    HANDWRITING:
    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
    chicken-scratch.


    Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's"
    with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
    "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
    when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.


    BATHROOMS:
    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
    toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
    Holiday Inn.


    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is
    437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


    MAGAZINES:
    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.


    Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
    because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
    is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.


    GROCERIES:
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
    store and buys these things.


    A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a
    lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
    buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout
    counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The
    Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
    the10-items-or-less lane.


    GOING OUT:
    When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.


    When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL
    be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
    putting on her makeup...


    MIRRORS:
    Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.


    Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
    any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
    Garagiola's head...


    JEWELRY:
    Women look nice when they wear jewelry.


    A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Anymore
    than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


    MENOPAUSE:
    When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
    complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
    and degree of the changes varies with the individual.


    Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
    glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
    shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.


    THE TELEPHONE:
    Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
    telephone to send short messages to other people.


    A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
    returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
    three hours.


    DIRECTIONS:
    If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
    surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.


    Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop
    and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
    while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there, "
    and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."


    ADMITTING MISTAKES:
    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.


    The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George
    Custurd


    OFFSPRING:
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
    about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
    and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.


    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    DRESSING UP:
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...


    A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

    CAMERAS:
    Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
    state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
    classes.


    Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking
    shots.


    POLITICS:
    Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do
    political things such as voting.


    Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
    growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to
    campaign for them and cry on election night.


    LAUNDRY:
    Women do laundry every couple of days.


    A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
    surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
    laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
    sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
    the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.


    WEDDINGS:
    When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."


    Men talk about "the bachelor party."

    TOYS:
    Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the
    age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.


    Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
    older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples
    of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
    blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
    command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
    least six "D" batteries to operate.


    PLANTS:
    A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on
    vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days
    later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens
     
  10. jayana

    jayana Senior IL'ite

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    Really good

    Hi,

    U guys really rock......it is funny...and some are true too......:lol: ;-)

    HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY TO ONE AND ALL

    Cheers, :thumbsup
    Jay
     

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