1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

What To Do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bchoppa, Nov 12, 2019.

  1. bchoppa

    bchoppa Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    67
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Am a 40 year old, married, working with no kids. Am in a different state than my husband because of work. Am married to a man who is I don't to what to say. I am not able to say whether spouse is good or bad. Got married 6 years back. I realized that he was a different person before marriage. I never saw him getting violently angry before marriage. First year of our married life was a night mare. Was not sure what makes him angry and makes me lunge towards to me. If he says mean things than its a joke. If I joke then its not a joke to him. If he pours water over my head I should laugh , if I spill little water at him then I don't respect him. And he assumes that I will behave without respect towards his mother. By the way, ours is love marriage and his parents did not accept our marriage till now. I don't exist for his family. Am an honest and truthful person. I don't lie unless until I know that my truth is going to harm the other person. So after every fight, I will try to discuss it openly, instead of hiding it and building up. But that also leads to a fight, because whatever I say he will take it in good or bad, which I don't mean at all. For example, we are fighting about something and I say I think we should have done like this his immediate response is ok , so you are saying I did wrong. Then I have to explain no, I don't mean that, I am saying there are multiple ways to do a certain thing, and we could have done in this way too. But still it will lead him to believe that I'm pointing him that he did a mistake. And the way he talks so angrily with a loud voice, I get upset. If I explain that please don't talk like that, I am getting upset, then he will retard am not angry you are angry. Literally I ran out of ways. Am not talking back. If I know a situation is being escalated I disconnect the phone or walk away from him because I don't want a fight. I tell him that please I don't want a fight. And I become silent. But this is taking a toll on me. There are so many other things I want to discuss, but right now this is my biggest problem. I live alone. I am a shy reserved person. I don't have that many friends. I talk to only my husband, my family and couple of my friends. But because of these issues, am not able to talk to my family also as I don't want to reveal these issues to my family. I reached to a point where I can't take anymore. What should I do ?
     
  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,508
    Likes Received:
    4,107
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    What should you do ? You need to get a divorce. Fortuitously, you are already living separately in a different state, and you have no children of the marriage. The next step should be easy to achieve. You say that his parents might also support your decision. That is excellent.

    What can you do ? may also be a relevant question to yourself. Because you are not required to live 24-7 with an angry spouse, you may find your situation of limited husbandry more tolerable; however, you must ask yourself what would be the gain to you if you went that route.

    You have said that he was not as angry prior to the marriage. If you were to be unmarried again, would you two be able to go back to anger-free togetherness again ? If this were to be the case, a divorced life, with the anger-free ex-husband, who only comes to conjugal pleasures now and then would also be an ideal life. In forin, this would be called "If life offers you lemons, make lemonade"
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
    sindhuja21 and Sunshine04 like this.
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,943
    Likes Received:
    2,386
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    He is a narcissist, psycho.
    Get a divorce
     
    sindhuja21 and Shreema86 like this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,508
    Likes Received:
    4,107
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,544
    Likes Received:
    1,931
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    You can't take it anymore, and still ask he is good or bad?
    it doesn't matter if he is good or bad, it is affecting bad for you means get rid of it.
    As you are away from him, please work on getting divorce/separated. Don't tell him till you make your case strong. Read more on narcissists how they behave, when it is not their upper hand they say sorry, but the cycle continues.
     
    sindhuja21 and Sunshine04 like this.
  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,544
    Likes Received:
    1,931
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    Also Did you talk with your H what is not okay from him? Want to try Marriage counselling first?
     
  7. simple1234

    simple1234 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Try counselling first , then take your final decision.
     
  8. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,223
    Likes Received:
    614
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    You have given this relationship 6 long yrs. There seems to be a lot of abuse going on and I’m sure it’s been very difficult for you. I’m also glad that you are financially independent. I would suggest that you start planning to separate your finances and make sure you have that taken care of. Then start sharing this abuse with your family so that they are aware of it and can help you. A lot of Desis will keep asking you to try and try and try to keep your marriage going even at the cost of your own well being, but you know best when your breaking point is reached and whether someone will change or not. You don’t need to kill yourself over a sham and abusive marriage or cling to a man who demeans you. Marriage should be a relationship that uplifts you and fills you with love and happiness. Walking away from toxicity is ok. Walking away from a marriage that is giving you nothing but pain is ok.
     

Share This Page