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What is the real meaning of marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kcb, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear ILites,

    After reading lot of posts in IL about different problems, one question that comes to my mind is - WHAT IS THE REAL MEANING OF MARRIAGE?

    Is it fighting for rights?
    Dominating each other?
    MIL / SIL Bossing over DIL or vice versa?

    Please share your opinions……also share your experience if you have seen any ideal couple in your life….

    Your opinions can help lot of people who doesn't understand the real meaning of marriage / relationship....
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi kcb, you have virtually stolen the words from my mouth. I often wonder about this.

    What I have concluded is that we as a society have a long way to go before we mature. Individual and group egos are extremely high and a person's or a group's importance depends on their ability to get others over to their point of view and way of living. Think of this expression in Hindi "humare rang mein rang gaya/gayi" meaning someone has started behaving/looking/thinking like me, has taken on my hue. There is no space for individuality or for a diverse perspectives. This is evident everywhere - not necessarily just marriages.

    Given this background and the fact that the society has been largely patriarchal, it is hard for people especially those who stand to benefit from the system to accept changes which might rock the balance.

    Many women are also brought up to believe in male superiority and domination and hence are scared to put their foot down and take steps which might put them in difficulties. We all wait for society to change but forget that it has to start with us. When we talk of changes starting with us, we tend to think of changing the way our sons think, which essentially means we have to wait a generation to see the beginnings of change in the way women are treated. We forget that we need to stand up for own rights first because our sons will find it hard to accept what we try to imbibe in them if we allow ourselves to be dominated (or alternatively play the act of martyrs) while advocating to them to treat their future wives well. Practice what you preach.

    This means we need to do some things which are NOT GOING TO BE CONVENIENT to us, might lead to arguments, unpleasantness etc. Simultaneously the onus is on us to discuss some issues rationally with the men in our lives (if they are capable of rationality) and try to make them see that they have not come too far from the days of the cave man and that education has not accomplished much to improve their mindsets (of course, only in case that is the fact!!!) It is not enough to just accuse, but to have healthy discussions and exchange of ideas, which means we need to have a healthy atmosphere at home. From personal experience I find that men tend to think over something if we just throw an idea into the open and then get on with our lives. Try to reinforce the idea (or nag), the big MALE EGO will prevent them from thinking. Gradually one might start noticing changes.

    Who in our opinion is an ideal couple? I am hard pressed to answer that. There are many who on the face of it are extremely happy. They might be genuinely happy or their definition of happiness might be different. I am no one to sit and pass judgment on that. I have seen women who are not open about their equations but sometimes do come out and speak about the irritants in their relationships. So I really doubt that anything such as an 'ideal' relationship exists. It is a balance and how the equilibrium tilts is different for each couple.

    Ultimately we need to know what we want and make efforts to get it so long as it is fair to all concerned. What we know as 'marriage' is largely coloured by our observations of the relationships between couples belonging to the older generation. Times are changing, social contexts are changing. The balance is changing and yet sometimes it appears as if we are only going backwards. We need to get a fresh understanding about the relevance of the institution in today's context - otherwise we will soon enough be fit to land in institutions. :p
     
  3. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Satchi,

    Thank you so much for taking your time posting your opinion. Your opinion will definitely help many people.


    -Pratyusha
     
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  4. iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Good question kcb dear , I want to reply now but I am going for Upanyasam by Damal Sri Ramakrishnan who is giving superb Pravachan. Today is Krishna Leela and Rukmini Kalyanam
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear KCB,

    Thanks to Satchi bringing this thread to FB Forum, I came to know about this thread. Institution of marriage has a very special connotation in the society especially it is not based on relationship established through birth in the same family. This relationship is to be respected as such and acted accordingly by the participants irrespective of the gender. Purposefully, I am keeping the religions away here even though most religions clearly define the duties of the householder clearly and unambiguously for the benefit of those who marry.

    Keeping aside the religions, here are my direct perception of the association of two through marital relationship:

    1) Fundamentally the couple who venture into marital relationship should have a commitment for a long-term i.e. for life and to share and care for each other for life unconditionally not subject to exploration of their behavior and attitude that stems out of their Samskara.

    2) Both of them should commit to recognize each others strengths and weaknesses and learn from each other to establish a smooth and trouble free married life.

    3) There has to be a clear understanding that this relationship creates a clear commitment to stay together despite the huddles faced from outside of the marital relationship.

    4) At the same time, there has to be recognition that there are relationship outside of this marriage that are relevant and important to each one of them and marital relationship can never succeed to the exclusion of mutual respect for such relationships that existed prior to their getting together.

    5) The primary purpose of the marriage is to establish dharma through association of people from different walks of life and help each other in their spiritual progress. One of those duties include procreation and when not blessed with a child, adopt, bring a child into their fold and establish righteousness and human values in that child. It is not a right but duty to create a generation that would succeed the couple with Truth, Righteousness, Love, Peace and Non-violence.

    6) In order to perform the duties, the couple needs to make a living which should be earned through righteous ways. Austerity should be practiced as one of the values and savings out of such austerity should be spent in charities. Duties should be performed in consultation with each other and there has to be a clear understanding that both partners in the marriage are equal in determining the values and principles of this family

    7) The roles in the marriage should be distributed based on the understanding of the skills of each other. Earning, financial management, character development, performing rites for the ancestors, building the family values, knowledge and education for the children, strengthening the relationship with extended families, finding friends of similar values, company of good people, choice of worship, etc. should be determined by mutual consultation and one should give the lead to the other based on heartfelt consent.

    8) Unity of the family should stand priority over everything else. There should never be adultery, conceit, indiscipline, erosion of values, etc. by either one of the partners and the primary purpose of establishing highest standards is to inculcate the greatest value to the next generation by living an exemplary life.

    9) There has to be a constant learning by the couple from each other and in case of sudden loss of life of anyone, the other should be able to run the family unaffected by the loss of life.

    Viswa
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    As usual, a wonderful response from you Viswa. Just one doubt regarding point # 1.

    How does a woman or a man whose spouse indulges in crime, adultery, dishonesty etc. deal with it? Is it not a 'dharma sankat'? Does he/she stand for justice or for the spouse - which may even include trying to defend the indefensible through dishonest means?
     
  7. vani098

    vani098 IL Hall of Fame

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    Viswa garu super well said.

    U'r experience will help me a lot
     
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  8. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    It's great and wonderful to be idealistic about marriage; but the ground realities are really different.
     
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  9. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    @viswamitra
    Viswa Sir,
    I agree.
    Nicely written and I like it.

    @kcb

    I am really not sure of the meaning, but as per religion I agree with what Viswa Sir has written, as that is what I have heard and understood.

    It is a one way journey which we share it with a person as per God's wish. I had limited expectations about the partner I should lead my life with, infact only one wish I had about my would be before marriage and was granted that wish by God. I knew what kind of person I am and though it has been a roller coaster ride, I feel that when we are flexible the relationship would be able to withstand the storms we encounter on the journey of life. Well, the meaning of marriage would be what we can interpret as per religion or the way we lead our life, which would vary from individual to individual then. So would be glad to read the responses to this thread.

    Thanks for bringing this topic for discussion.

    Vaidehi
     
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  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    I have mentioned that in #8 and if there is violation, the other spouse gets the right to make the determination whether family could be together or not based on how the spouse in crime repends and how confident the other spouse is about genuiness of the corrective steps taken by the partner who committed crime.
     

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