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What Do You Advice?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by BeautifulSmile, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Bronze IL'ite

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    In laws are here for close to 2 months now. From the day they are landed, FIL is absolutely fine but where as MIL only talking to her son and grandchild. I am trying my best to talk to her and make her comfortable if at all she is uncomfortable with me. As kids are home for summer break, this is the first time in my kids life they are staying home and sleeping and waking up late. I am really really thankful to In laws. because of them, kids are eating and sleeping properly. I really owe them for taking care of my kids (of course their grand children). Every day I wake up around 5am. Before me and my husband head out to office at 7am, we cook breakfast and lunch, kids lunch then clean the sink and every minute task that we can complete before we both leave to office. As soon as I am home, I wont sit down straight to kitchen to handle dinner stuff. She helps me with cutting veggies. since a week she is cooking curry for dinner, I really appreciate it. But that doesnt mean that I got to stay out of kitchen. there will be some or other tasks once I go home. so far so good right. Here is the issue:

    Due to some old and recent issues, SILs stopped talking to me. Where as I didnt know they are not talking to me, I was wishing them on occasions in family group and I was normal with my behavior. But I drastically changed due to their inhuman behavior, my husband also aware of it (dont want to talk about it now) so I totally stopped calling them but message in family group.When in laws were shopping back in India SILs helped them, then when I was asking over the phone about the details about the saree or something there wont be response. First few calls I thought its signal problem, I am not hearing them. but later realized they dont want to talk so they are quite , or they used to give to MIL. If my dh is on the phone they tell him color, cloth,etc. I have completely ignored them and MIL's behavior. But whole heatedly I was waiting for In laws, thats how I am treating them. But MIL has completely stopped talking to me for no reason. In front of dh she acts normal. But where as me, I am keep talking to her no matter of her response. She dont even care what/ how I am doing. She pretends I don't exists in that home. I have no clue why she is acting that way. I am not letting slip any cooking or cleaning work to her. But in 13 years of married life I really made my self very comfortable and be my self in their presence. Might be she is not liking I am free, or she is not happy I am not talking to her daughters...or I have no clue. Every day she talks to them for hours, I have no absolute issues with that. As long as she is happy and taking rest - I am happy.

    BTW, husband is taking very very good care of her, just like a 5yr old kid. mom eat more, mom drink little water, mom stretch legs in the car on hand rest. Mom sleep for sometime - just like a baby. where as I am fully taking care of kids, so he can spend full time with them. Taking them outside the maximum and trips are going on. I have no freaking clue, why she is like that. What are your suggestions? Ask her , what is bothering her? Just leave the bee hive untouched?
     
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    yes. Don't touch.

    First of all it's too much on her part to act weird with you by not talking and second of all don't let her win here because she wants you to start the topic and later create drama with son that you started the fight.

    Ignore and enjoy doing things which you are doing . Definitely daughters have a role here in her behavior.
    If you confront drama will start. Avoid drama and stay like it is not affecting you . That itself should make her feel a bit uneasy with the situation.
     
  3. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Birds of pretty much the same feather - except I dont have any SILs. My in-laws are here for three months. Kids summer vacations, my routine is the same as yours - wake up at 5, cook breakfast and lunch. Sometimes MIL takes care of dinner , sometimes I do .Kids are happy and they take care of the kids well too. I am grateful.
    Me and my MIL have had our own set of issues in the past , but no open confrontation. When they are in India, I completely stopped calling her by myself. I would talk to her when my husband did his weekend Skype, but other than that - I stopped being "ideal" DIL.

    MIL is very "double faced", wont say things in public or in front of H or kids - in fact, sometimes is overly nice to me , but when its just me or her, she sulks , makes rude comments and is a different person. Here, she is the same.

    First two times, I would just call DH in front of MIL and say aloud and playfully "hey, your mom thinks you have high cholesterol because of my cooking, but I told her that you were the one who wont listen to me. From now on, you better listen to me, or else I will let mom handle you.Now that she is here, you have someone to listen to and mend your ways." And immediately she would switch her tone and body language and say "No No beta.. I was not blaming you at all.. I was just saying that maybe his cholesterol is high because of the food he heats."..How innocent...

    Anyway, long story short - now, I don't talk to her if she doesn't talk to me. I do my stuff , make food, give tea , take care of their needs, but I just ignore her if she ignores me. I keep my phone switched on with some Movie or live news or just radio, so that I have some distraction. Keep counting the days left for them to leave.
    My advice ? Do not touch the bee hive, the bee will sting you and escape, you will be the one left with the wounds.
     
  4. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    It is definitely b/c of daughters. MIL can't handle when you don't speak to SIL. I would just ignore her. As well, treat her the same way when she engages you in front of son. Give short answers, as her behaviour must be met consistently. Do not ask her why she is upset. It is hard ignoring and being mean to someone you live with, she will drop this behaviour in a bit. I bet you. So until then ignorance is bliss, and is it not great she does not talk to you, no nagging, comparing etc. Even if she does not change her behaviour think about what a great person you are and how SHE is the one MISSING out on spending good times and having chats with you.
     
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    My in-laws are pretty good for the most part. There was a phase though , when my issue with the husbands sibling caused them to be a little aloof towards me. I left the beehive untouched and things are better now.
    It’s obvious that your MIL ignores you because of your issue with SIL. I like the suggestion of playing a movie or music when you are at home. Silence can be pretty awkward when one is not on talking terms. Go about your life as if things are fine.
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    It's nice that your MIL is taking care of your children's physical needs. But there's a lot more to raising children than just feeding them.

    Do you know if your MIL is saying unkind things about you to your kids when she's alone with them? Children are easily brainwashed by their caretakers.

    Children learn how to navigate relationships by watching adults at home. Your kids are watching how your MIL treats you. They are learning how to handle conflict from your interactions with your MIL. Do you want your kids to stop talking to anyone they disagree with? Where do you think your SILs learned to play katti-batti as adults? Her passive-aggressive behavior is not a good model for your kids to emulate.

    This is also a terrible way for you to have to live. It can't be pleasant for you to come home to this silent treatment. Yes, she's looking after your children, but that does not give her the right to be disrespectful to you.

    Speak to your DH and let him speak to your MIL about her behavior. If he can't get her to see reason, send your kids to daycare and let your MIL leave.

    Keeping quiet, not poking the beehive is the easy path. Speaking up is tougher but will hopefully yield a positive result for your kids and for you.
    .
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    I like Amica's advice. Too often in our culture people are given a pass on all kinds of bad behavior simply because they are older. This just feeds the flames.
    You should not have to put up with emotional abuse or live like a second-class citizen in your own home. It sets a bad example for your children too. Make your husband take the lead and tackle the bull by the horns. If they get offended and leave so be it.
     
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    You need 2 hands to clap.
    Why do you bother if she is not interested in talking to you.
     
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    This!!!:thumbup:
     
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  10. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Bronze IL'ite

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    5 years back when they were here, I infact felt worse than this with new born baby and 5 yr old kid. Fault is with me, then also I didnt open my mouth knowing her mentality very well, I was scared of her. My husband stood for me that time to look after my few needs, that made entire family one side, we both one side. She used to cry almost every day and make big scene, but we both never ever opened mouth or said anything just used to feel clueless. OMG, I seriously dont understand what this mom and sisters are up to. I am definitely not meeting their standards like doing pooja for MIL, FIL, SIL. Every single person I meet or know me, they really appreciate my thinking and sensible behavior. Where as these human-beings think I am the meanest on the earth. If I say a word, they take it totally opposite. If I say: your curry is nice kids are really liking it then immediately she says, Oh I dont know from tomorrow I will make in your style. FIL keep saying she is saying curry is nice, then she interrupts him saying you be quite you wont get it. whats wrong with this lady.

    Today Friday, big day for her pooja. Every day I used to prepare food before taking bath, but today for her pooja help I took bath at 5 then came to kitchen started cooking for her pooja and for our lunch box. At 6:30 she she entered kitchen literally made me get out of the kitchen by blocking me from stove. I have no clue whats wrong I did, or she was expecting. We have plans of moving back to India just to live with them in the old age and take care of them. But her behavior is really making me nervous. I was literally felt, pushed out of the house at 6:45 ( I have no clue , so came to office with sad mood).My husband was noticing everything and asked me to ignore and go relax, let her cook. But i feel so guilty to be in home when she is cooking and I am not, so came to office. Anything I say, she will start with sarcasm and attacks me nicely.

    Always my husband was feeling guilty (of course she is good at it) for making her cry last time, now he is also bearing her more than his tolerant level. Might be I need to turn little harsh or bit stronger to handle her. Every single minute I am imagining my late mom in her, so couldnt say anything or talk back.
     
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