Weird MIL behavior - please advise :(

phew2702 · Jul 12, 2015

Hi ladies,

I have a rather unusual situation and thought getting your views might be useful in such a weird situation...

ALittle about my background. I am a married since 5 years and it was a love marriage and we were blessed with a boy baby who is 2 months old now. I was born and raised in bangalore and my husband is from chennai and we settled in chennai after marriage.

Now the problem is I have seen my MIL fondling my baby boys genitals just playing with then or touching them unnecessarily as a way of showing love. It literally drives me crazy. I have never seen such stupid behavior all my 28 years of life. I told my husband but he didn't feel it was weird. I want to know if it is a cultural thing which is acceptable in tamilnadu or Andhra since they are telugu ppl.

I don't want my baby to grow up thinking it's OK for people to touch his genitals and feel it's offensive and manner less. I myself do not touch unless he has to be cleaned. How do I tell her to stop doing it without sounding offensive. There are better ways to show love not by molesting my baby.

Rihana · Jul 12, 2015

phew2702 said: ↑

How do I tell her to stop doing it without sounding offensive.
Click to expand...

"The doctor was saying..." often works.

This is a touchy [pun not intended] topic. You only need to get the act to stop. You don't need to make it a matter of long discussion with her or husband, and don't need anyone to agree with you that it is offensive, mannerless etc.

I believe in erring on the side of caution with kids. I wouldn't leave baby alone with grandma.

There are all kinds of weirdnesses in people, and in people we least expect. We will never know for sure. Chances are she means nothing wrong, but you don't want to conduct an investigation, you need it to stop, whether it is culturally acceptable or not.

You are the mother. It bothers you. It stops. Period. No second-guessing.

If a thing of such nature bothers even one parent, it should stop.

If your husband demurs, ask him would it be OK for a 'grandfather' to touch a two month old baby girl similarly.

I have to wipe my mind with visual bleach now.

phew2702 · Jul 12, 2015

Thank you so much Rihana. Ya I do make sure I don't leave my baby alone with her and I am paranoid to the extent I don't want to leave him alone even for a few minutes. Once I was very blunt and rude with her and told her to keep him covered at all times hoping it would get the message across but she still does it. In my head I really want to slap her for her cheap behavior. I am going to do my job as a mother and this kind of behavior should never be tolerated. but need help with how to not sound too offensive.

shyamala1234 · Jul 12, 2015

It is not o.k even if it is a cultural thing.This is not an issue which should be discussed. Tell her doctor told not to do such things. As Rihana said it works.
Always keep the baby in diapers. Except while bathing baby should be in diapers.
Syamala

cutemonster · Jul 12, 2015

I dont think its ok, infact it is disgusting! You have to put a stop on it.you can try that doctor told dont do this as suggested by rihana or you can tell her bluntly when u guys r alone. dont leave the baby bare bottom, always put nappies or diapers.and please dont leave the baby alone , ever, with this weirdo!

1Sandhya · Jul 12, 2015

Eww...

You should tell her to stop. But dont beat about the bush, and dont indirectly hint about it. It can cause confusion. Be direct and be specific. When you see her touching, tell her to Stop. Dont do that. I dont want you to touch him there. Be very specific and very direct.and take away the child. Even if they explain that it is her way to show love show her a different way like caressing his arm or back. If it becomes a big issue, you can explain you dont like it and you dont want anyone except maybe doctor touching your baby in that area.

I am puzzled why your h thinks it is normal. Could it be she did the same with him?

Oh and btw, it is not a telugu thing or a cultural thing. It is just her.

Rihana · Jul 12, 2015

phew2702 said: ↑

Once I was very blunt and rude with her and told her to keep him covered at all times hoping it would get the message across but she still does it. In my head I really want to slap her for her cheap behavior.
Click to expand...

Phew, you don't live with in-laws, and your MIL is not taking care of your baby on a regular basis. Ensuring that she does not do that thing should not be very difficult.

Given the history of events from your wedding time and since then, you may want to approach this matter tactfully. Your words for your MIL and her action are very strong. If you are blunt and rude, things could turn against you. Husband may openly start saying it is OK, and it will look like you have a dirty mind. Don't mix up the other in-laws issues with this matter.

Generally speaking, awareness of such things like infant's privacy, and appropriate touch and inappropriate touch are more 'western' concepts, more so in the case of boys. And again generally speaking, women/moms tend to be more aware of such things and start to teach child about it before men/dads. Read this other somewhat related thread: http://www.indusladies.com/forums/m.../273718-when-start-protecting-your-child.html

If it occurs again, be smooth and casual about it. Talk to the baby, not your MIL. Use baby talk to tell him, 'no no.. we do not touch that except to clean, do we?' There are many more conflicts of opinion coming up as the baby grows up and you live in the same city as in-laws. Keep things pleasant, and be cool. Above all, don't nag husband about these. Get your way with minimal talk.

Added later: Typed this post before reading Sandhya's post above.

swt.charu · Jul 12, 2015

I told my husband but he didn't feel it was weird. I want to know if it is a cultural thing which is acceptable in tamilnadu or Andhra since they are telugu ppl.
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Well... I have seen this as a kid. My neighbours were from similar community (a mix of telugu and tamil talking people) and they constantly did this. They found it very amusing and each of the relatives would do this. It could range from someone commenting on the private parts to pinching to fondling to even kissing... eewww.. and they found the boy's more amusing than the girl's ... not that they let the girl babies alone... I used to show my repulsion right on their face and they found my repulsion amusing too... and started doing more of it when I was around... so I stopped going there.

Anyways... for fixing the problem itself.. I second what other posters have said... you have to bring this to a stop immediately with whatever method you adopt.

The reason I am posting here is .. if I were to imagine you to be thinking like me and your In laws being like my neighbours... I see a lot more stuff for which you are not going to be agreeable to.. you will differ from them at many more levels.. this may need a bit of future planning and thinking.. firstly you will have to discuss with you husband and "define" in no uncertain terms what behaviours / mannerisms you as a family are going to accept. Once the boundaries are set, please follow through what is decided .. you can decide how you will deal with people who are constantly going to be in you life. Your husband may have to let go of significant portions of his idea of what he thinks is "normal" or "acceptable".

You can't blame him .. he is grown up in an environment which is more accepting of such behaviour.

This aspect needs some serious work OP and I wish you luck ...

PS : OP.. please accept my apologies if I have in anyway exaggerated in describing / comparing your ILs or my apprehensions. Please ignore my post if you don't see huge challenges. My imagination took flight and I started visualising what it would have been if I had fallen in love and married one of the boy's in my neighbour's household and where I would have landed...

@Rihana.. pass me the visual bleach please..

Raje1 · Jul 12, 2015

i think your MIL will stop doing this in few months... maybe....

coolgal123 · Jul 12, 2015

I have seen some people doing it proudly....because these private part declare tht the child is boy so showing special affection to the parts....
some consider it ok to keep boy child bottomless ...something to do wth maleness....

But this is yucky and u shuld stop it....
Showing some indirect displeasure towards the act and dr. Told this a gud idea if it doesnt get this stopped then may be direct approach is required....