Wear And Tear Of Marriages

Wear and Tear of marriages
Recently in a case of estrangement, the Supreme Court of India advised the couple to try and bear the ordinary wear and tear of married life in the interest of children. It elaborated ,that fights adversely affect the mind and psychology of children. Normally husband and wife manage to overcome disharmony instead of blowing it up out of ego,emotions and pent up fury in the interest of children..Children are entitled to a happy home and it is the responsibility of the parents to provide an emotionally stable environment to encourage their healthy physical and mental development.

The case:Custody battle of two children aged seven and five for three years since 2016. The wife took away both the children from US in 2017 and refused to go back.-inspite of US court directing her to bring back the children.The AP high court also directed her to hand over the children to the husband.

The Judgement of the Supreme court: Interest of children being of paramount importance children should go back to US and enjoy their natural environment with love, care and attention of the parents.If the wife does not listen,US consulate General should take custody of the children and hand them over to the husband.Husband will deposit Rs.15 lakhs in the bank account of his wife to take care of her expenses.

[Courtesy TOI dated March 16,2019]

I have no background information on this case and it is not ethical to hazard guesses particularly when reconciliation is enforced and may result in reunion.How ever we are free to discuss the issue and understand the web of conflict leading to legal separation by mutual consent or on court orders.It I brings clarity when we separate newly weds vs those with children while discussing the estrangement.In the case of newly weds,non consummation of marriages,falsification of information,parental interference,changes in lifestyle etc to name a few as the reasons for separation.Many of these are not applicable in cases of separation after living together for eight/ten years with growing children What has happened in this span of time to bring about estrangement?

One reason is the Mr/Mrs perfect syndrome.I have seen many complaining that the woman is clumsy and disorganised.The woman complains that the man does not play any role in bringing up the children,preoccupied he is with telephone calls,television or or even carrying the laptop to the loo, partying with on some official pretext or other.He refuses to attend even the parent teachers meeting. In schools.On rare occasions of being bored he will roam around the house complaining about every thing implying that the housewife is not doing her job.

Very often I have found women rushing to the support of children when the men correct the children in a harsh way.This in many cases leads to children feeling that their father is unreasonable and ultimately progressing to alienation of the father.We had a clear rule in our house that when one was correcting or advising the children,the other will not interfere.

Deciding the priorities in home budget allocation is another conflict area. I have seen couple fighting over a holiday plan.Providing support to the parents or inlaws is a major area of difference between the couple.Insulting publicly [which includes children,driver,maids] leaves a heart burn to be settled when opportunity arises and at an appropriate time.Not keeping pace with the progress of the spouse in changing the life style is a silent but sure wrecker of marriages. Lack of interest in physical relationship quite often results in finding fault with each other on some other aspect.Continuous engagement on telephone or social network is emerging as an important point of friction.All these do not necessarily lead to separation but pulling the couple away from each other some times leading to zero communication between the couple.

Adultery or suspected adultery and extra marital affiliations as a cause of separation or even murder is coming out in the open of late.There were atleast 5/6 murders either by the husband or wife in the last two months as reported in the pressWhile murders take place in the lower strata of society separation,character assassination and vilification campaign are resorted to in the educated class.That is why perhaps George Bernard Shaw cynically said “” When two people are under the influence of the most violent,most insane,most delusive and the most transient of passions,they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited and exhausting condition until death do them apart”.

The magnetising looks,the high voltage current passing through while holding hands and strolling around the lake in a hill station,lack of inhibition and a sense of security in moments of privacy,the grateful look when the man is standing by the side and mentally undergoing labour pain,the announcement of arrival by the new born,the willing training accepted by the man for changing nappies and finally the couple waving to the child on the first day of schooling even long after the school bus has gone—are they not pleasurable moments to be recalled and relived as nostalgic moments never to experience once again.

Every one comes with a baggage,a combination of conciliation and contradiction,strengths and weaknesses.Let us forget our ego,appreciate and build on the strength and stop magnifying weaknesses.Let us give each other space.Let us try and cultivate something of common interest.Regular introspection and self correction helps improve the ambience.Ego is the biggest stumbling block in indulging in this exercise and once we cross this barrier life become beautiful.

“To keep fire burning brightly,there is one easy rule;keep the logs together,near enough to keep warm and far enough apart for breathing room..Good fire,Good marriage same rule.’”

 

Thanks.The idea of this snippet is to encourage couples to look at the brighter side of life.Another subject-can somebody help me to correct the spelling of the title?.It is an eyesore.
SLN

 

Dear Jayasala,
Quite a few reach the crossroads in relationship in their late thirties or early forties.Women have a great role to play in steering back life from a possible mess.This is not to abdicate the responsibility of men to the women-the latter have demonstrated their ability and win hands down.It will be a matter of great satisfaction even if a few benefit from this article.Regards.SLN