Want to get out of this frustration ?????

amrita16soni · Dec 28, 2011

Hi all,
I placed one thread in IndusLadies about pregnancy. And I got many suggestions from the friends of IL. It was very helpful. And now want Solution in this matter. I don't know it is big matter or not. But I feel I should share this so that I can get some helpful tips on this. Its about to end 2nd year of our marriage. I am happy wid my DH but some small issues(seems big to me) that are worrying me. Do you gals also think that after marriage our parents should also get same respect as we do to our in-laws. My mom n dad are alone after marriage of 3 sis (us). And we 3 of us are so concerned about mom n dad. Now at this age somebody should be there wid them but, we ladies after marriage has boundation on that. But atleast our(DH family) family should always be attached wid them so they don't feel like alone. My mom n dad always visit to in-laws if they are there at home town. But I think they should also visit to my parents. If there is any function they should invite my parents also. My parents do all formalities if they visit for a week, instead of having lots of work to finish up the pending things. But not same from other side. Why it is like that, I am very upset wid this. MIL says, if u want respect u also have to give respect. But doesn't follows these. My parents call n wish everybody on their bdays(in age of 60's) but these people doesn't wish my family members on any occasion. Relationship is built on these small things only. But why our DH doesn't understand that.
My parents gave us a cash to buy things for your own after marriage. Becoz moving from hometown to metro wid those things was difficult. I also did not said anything bcoz till then it was not neccessary, but bcoz now i m pregnant and it's already 2 yrs i think i should have everything wht i needed and my kid will require. But now how to say to my DH, that the money given by my parents was to get comfortable in new house. But i don't know what happened about that money. nobody tells me and I also don't ask becoz of hesitation. How to ask for this to my DH.
I did'nt get anything on occaasions like(bday, diwali, teeja, anniversary). Till some time i can understand if some financial problem is there. But how long, don't u think they should give these by themselves bcoz i m newly married. It's ok if my DH didnt have that much package but he is US and getting gud package and my BIL is also getting gud package. My FIL is getting pension. We are 5 members in family, instead of that we don't have those necessary things. Why??????
Adjusting and compromising is ok till some pt. ,but how long.

Raindoll · Dec 28, 2011

Hey Amrita...

I'd suggest you have a candid chat with your DG regarding this. Do not hesitate, a wife husband relationship cannot be strong if you can't speak your heart out to each other. Besides, the queries in your mind can be best answered by someone in the family itself. Also, two families and their traditions cannot be same. You can possibly bridge the gap between the families by taking ownership. Example, when i feel my in laws should be calling folks from my side, i generally ring them up, talk to them and then request my mum in law/father in law also to drop in few words. it has worked 100 percent for me.

mybaby1 · Dec 28, 2011

hi amrita,

i completely agree with u in regds to taking care of our parents n the say that if we r supposed to respect our inlaws so is the duty of our husbands also to respect their inlaws..the way his parents has brought him up so do urs..n its u who hv left them n came here not him.so thy deserve not more then at least equal respect.what if he is a father of a girl n her inlaws n husband treat him this way..?
whateever things u have mentioned here just sit alone with ur husband n talk on them. n just make it clear that it is a two way traffic if u dont do things for my parents i feel bad n then how it is going to be possible for u to do things for his parents.n also ask ur parents not just follow each n every small formalities they r also old now...n do to the extent they can n secondly in return to what ur inlaws also do..

abt the money just bring up the topic on some day realating to ur pregnancy then kid n his/her future...just ask ur husband to make FD of that money so that there is something for ur kid...he will automatically tell u abt the money which ur father gave.at least u will know what has been done to that may be u wont get it now.

now the gift part whenever some such event comes when ur DH is buying something fr ur inlaws just casualy say that he have never bought amnything fr u n not even ur inlaws n just ask ur parents not to keep on giving gifts everynow n then to ur inlaws...u know what i hv seen whatever u do ..how much u do its allwaz less n nonsatisfying the inlaws even if they themselves dont do anything even of a penny.

to me marriage is between two families n both are equal in all respects...no one is less or low n higher...to hell with such customs n rituals..where give birth to a girl, bring her up then pass her to someone n then too be on the lower end...it is said that the GIVER IS ALLWAZ ON THE HIGHER END.n everyone shud respect this..

amrita16soni · Dec 28, 2011

Hi mybaby,
These suggestions are very helpful for me. You know i do try to chat about these things to my husband but either he will argue wid me n won't agree or the discussion will end in fight. He is like moma's boy so whtever I say he takes it in a wrong way.Once i told him y u both brothers don't share a rents means giving rent in US and installment of property owned and rent of a house in india. Tell ur bro to give India's house rent and rest of them u handle. But he replied like " I m elder one so I will only handle all these stuff". In fact my BIL also get gud package. But if I say like this he always get me wrong!!!!!! I am around 2 months pregnant and now I need necessary things at home but If i say get those so he tells me " Y u always make a demand frm me". I dont want to remind him that use my fathers money for wht he gave me, maybe that will hurt him.

amrita16soni · Dec 28, 2011

Hey raindoll,
I agree wid ur statement, but do u think we need to tell our in-laws to do so. As they pretend they have much more experience in life. So, they should also understand how to handle relationships. There is no tradition for giving respect to each others family. Y we request to them to 'u give respect this n that'. It should come frm ur within. Don't u think so.

ars · Dec 28, 2011

Dear,
You are pregnant now,
Don't open a can of worms which will be very hard to handle and it will cause stress for you.
When ever you want something for your comfort go ahead and ask your h. Don't say you do this this to il's why not me. Don't compare. Just ask and explain what's the benefit of having it if he says why you are demanding.
What your parents gave you, if you have not seen it till now than you will never see it. If you want to know about the money. Just ask your h in a loving way instead of saying rudely "buy from my parents money"
You can 't teach anyone anything. All you can do is show your feelings in action.
Don't bring unnecessary stress between you and h by trying to teach il's, compare with il's and bil's.
Give it some time. Your h will realize himself. Meanwhile you do what you need to do so your parents can feel the love and respect.

Anikha · Dec 28, 2011

Dear Amrita,

A marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership between wife and husband. But in Indian society, unless a wife makes more or she is a heir of large fortune , she is not being treated equally , this is even more true in
middle class families.

You look like very caring daughter and concerned wife who doesn't want hurt any one s feelings in family, in the process you are suffering.

This is not good for your health, you will become depressed , if you continue to hold feelings.
You don' t have to blow out , find a way to communicate your husband ( probably email ) about the things you need to buy.

Adjusting and compromising is ok till some pt. ,but how long.
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Till , you find a job and start making money. This is Fact.No matter how much fathers gift daughters during marriage, its unaccounted.

Relationship is built on these small things only. But why our DH doesn't understand that.
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Typical Indian male mind set .

Be strong girl , mine is 25 years of marriage, I have seen all drama in the family.

I told my parents long back , " keep distance from my in laws, they don't owe any thing to my egoistic in-laws".

Do not expect any gifts from your in-laws or H . You get upset , when things don't go the way you expect.

MrsYPatel · Dec 28, 2011

If this is typical indian male mindset, don't get married? Seems like a life of torture.

psych · Dec 29, 2011

It is true though. a lot of indian male mentality is like that. but these things dont get to be seen until you marry them. they are not bad guys but think that womens opinion dont count

MrsYPatel said: ↑

If this is typical indian male mindset, don't get married? Seems like a life of torture.
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