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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kritka, Dec 24, 2011.

  1. kritka

    kritka Junior IL'ite

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    I All,

    Just wish to discuss some things . Today my story for the day . My hubby came @ 2 pm today since here the chirtmas holidays are there so I he came early. He was very happy then I made lunch gave him and he went to his bed .Then off the rouintine started he started watching some movie form 2- 6 then after 6 he started reading a book now it 11 here he is still busy .He always shows reluctancu toward talking about anything .I want to ask how ppl behave in a normal relationship Does hubby always are like that less taltative etc .Seld engrossed type people .I got bored all the day .Whener i go to his room and talk something like today I started some discussion baout the recent shoba de book.He said and poured out some few things out of his mouth and then went back .Whenever I start discussing about anything may be the budget etc I am always looked as if I am stupid or dumm.He didnt even listen to me on tht topic. He just made some silly remark and went back to his book .All the time I am trying making some plans etc to make it okay between us . whenver I go to his room he shows least reluctancy to respond atleast in a + manner what eevr I say .
    I talk all tht time @ home to get my his frustation out .To which he says never seen such a emotionally dep girl what is this ? Is my role to be just the maid of the house cook food and nothing else take care of the house etc .Y doesnt he also feels the same that this girl also needs some company .Y only I should always change ?

    He always says if case I am angry about his that no person can ever watch movies etc or do things in this house .. U are or behave like boss . In case u get bored etc be an adult and try to do anything to keep yourself busy . and says go to india in case u feel so bored here ?
    Whts all this ? I threw all things away to keep upto him his expectations of cooking , cleaning etc of the house and his is what I get in return ?
    What should I do ?
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
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  2. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Krithika cool down dear.How long are you married? I guess you don't have kids right?

    Some people are like that.Even in my house, my hubby comes home by 6.15 pm, and then the first word from his mouth would ' hema, give me something to eat,I am very hungry'
    Saying this he will change his dress and open his laptop.Then I give him coffee and do my work in the kitchen.I have two kids and I always have some Or the other work to do with them.So I don't care much about these things.Sometimes I wonder, 'This man was working with the same laptop all the day and again after coming to home too is he not feeling bored?

    So no use in fighting.Better find out some hobbies and keep yourself busy or else ask him to take you to the shopping and have your meal outside once or twice in a week.
     
  3. prtywomen

    prtywomen Junior IL'ite

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    Hema you are 200% correct. Krithika, dont worry.. no use of worrying too.. they have to change by themselves. samething happened for me, infact mine was love marriage, we used to spend time by talking talking alltime without parents knowledge, but now, no one is there to question you or control you, you have lots of freedom and we are not in india too, so more privacy but no use.. most of the husbands are like this, they come from office, open laptop, watch india news and read same new in their regional language, if cricket lover, read cricket news, watch vethupona matches, see some comedy clips just to entertain themselves, after all these activities, time will be 9p.m, time for dinner, "food ready aayiducha???", is food ready? next question. then they will eat and attend meeting if they support india team otherwise sleep. its not only at your family, its every where.. atleast most of the guys living outside the india are like this. Guys In india, its different, we cant expect husband to be at home at 6, due to traffic, heavy workload in IT, they come at 8 or 9, then eat and sleep but wife at home spend time by watching serials, talking with neighbours, spending time in phone with friends and parents, shopping i mean buying vegetables daily from mandi or from street seller.. so time will fly off like anything for ladies..
    Solution to your problem is, you watch some comedy movies or comedy clips, just make sound laugh, enjoy yourself, invite friends to your home, have chat and have big loud of fun, just start to ignore your husband then definetly he will slowly change and come to you spend time but definetly we cannot expect that they will change in the way we think the husband should be. :), once you have kids, you will start to enjoy time with your kids.
     
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  4. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Krithika,

    Don't be upset. This is how most of the men are. But you have to look for alternative ways to change his behavior rather than nagging him to talk or spend time with you.

    I have a different story altogether after having 2 kids. But I will share how i used to spend time before we had kids.

    After he comes home in the evening, we go out for a walk (half an hour) or I will have something to buy from the grocery store. I will wait for him to come in the evening and both of us will go together. During this time, I talk with him about what I had been doing through the day or ask him about his work.

    After coming home, I will ask him to drop all the garbage and give him some laundry work or something. If nothing is there, he is free to browse the internet and I will keep myself in the kitchen cooking food. The process will take 1 hour.

    Once I am done with the cooking, we have dinner. Then we watch some tv program together and go to sleep. If he is too engrossed with the computer, I used to sit along with him. Sometimes, he may find it uncomfortable or boring to read when i am around. So he himself will wrap up.

    For weekend, I usually look for good movies/romantic movies, I read reviews on the net and order it through Netflix. I see to that we have 2 movies in place before Friday. Weekends, morning we visit some temple, have lunch either at the temple or some hotel, take nap, then evening, we used to go for a walk. Then he will be on the net and I will cook some interesting snacks and dinner. After we finish dinner, we will watch some good movie that i rented out on netflix. Then we will discuss about the movie.

    Sundays, we go to the library. He doesn't read much. But I read a lot. So, I used to fetch books, home decoration magazines and read it when he takes afternoon nap or browses the net. Or we go out for movies to theater or grocery shopping. I used to talk to his parents or his sister on weekdays after he leaves office. I used to share their conversations with him. He would be more interested to hear about his sister or info from his mom. If i talk to my mom, I used to share what is happening there as well.

    Life took a complete turn after I had my 2nd kid. I had hell a lot of work with kids and hardly no time for movies. Inlaws and mom were here, so even TV will be occupied by them all the time. My husband grew more addicted to the computer because of these situations.

    Now he has a strong habit of opening the computer and reading news or FB as soon as he comes home. If its summer, he will join us for a walk. Winter, its cold and we don't go out and kids are around and they won't let us watch any tv programs. It will be only barney or mickey on tv, so my husband will end up with the computer.

    So I made a clear schedule and see to that he is away from computer when he is at home.

    I have asked my elder kid to take dad's help for homework. As soon as he comes home, he eats the snacks, then i play some cartoon for kids to keep them occupied. Then I cut veggies and talk to him about the day while he is having snacks and tea. Then, I move to the kitchen to cook and ask him to help the kid with the homework. By the time I finish my cooking work, I will get him bath one of my kid. Then both of us sit together and feed each kid. The feeding process will take an hour. So if i had something to talk, i talk to him during the time. Then he vacums the place (because the food will spilled) and I clean the kitchen. I read a story for the kids, during which he is free to use the computer (half an hour). If i don't read, I will simply ask the kids to play with the dad. They will drag him away from the computer and he will be there playing with the kids. This is when I will freely browse the net and write in Indusladies. :) Finally all of us will be tired and we head to sleep.

    Hope this helps. Even my husband hardly talks, but i have set a schedule so that he stays away from computer. I have also started to read cinema news and gossip (although i never like reading it, i do it for the sake of initiating conversations because he is more interested in cinema).
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2011
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  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Kritika,
    What did you do while he watched the movie.
    Come on dear, make it romantic and involve yourself in what he is doing.
    You had a perfect opportunity to spend quality time with him in bed and watching movie.
    Many girls wish their h watched a movie for 4 hours with them.
    Read the book men are from from mars and woman are from Venus.
    Find your own network of friends.
    Coming to financial planning talk when the subject comes up.
     
  6. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Kritika...
    My DH is also the same...I used to read books he used to see TV....now I chat with my friends on net n he sees TV or laptop.....
    One good point to ponder here is atleast they come home....n dont wander here n there like butterflies look at the +ve side n get yourself involved in some hobby.... in IL there arevarious forums to get involved n become a very well informed n strong woman and to increase your self worth and confidence... you will forget this lapse of your DH....
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    when the mountain does not go to muhammed, muhammed goes to the mountain. i agree with ars.

    your husband is self contented..and leading towards being self absorbed..break him away from being so.. learn to work around it.

    if he is watching movies, you join him. later you chose the movies you want to watch and ask him to watch with you.

    do not discuss finances..send them as emails..if you feel he was looking at you as if you were s##### . do send him your ideas your plans, and links that you felt were good, and your reasons as mails..let him KNOW that you know what you are talking about..kindle the interest..

    And do not talk about shoba de if you need to discuss books, try with something that would catch him unawares, that is something that is to his preference, not many men take her seriously..

    Work on learning what actually ticks your husband, the genre of books, movies, games. find out more on that, and try to discuss things on those..you have so much you can glean out from here in this forum itself.

    But do learn to have your own hobbies..I know from the other thread you already have. but learn to be fully absorbed in something, that he notices the difference.. sometimes beating them at their own game could do the trick to jerk them out of their wonderful time.

    Ask him to take walks..

    All said, i know some men who have got used to staying alone, with the laptop, movies, that they forget there is a life away from that..you see, laptops,movies do not talk back, react to them..life without anything messing it.
     
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  8. kritka

    kritka Junior IL'ite

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    yeah thanks evryone for such encoraging help . Actually ofcourse there is no use in making youselg hurt etc and getting worried about such things . But sometimes it really is a pain At the end I am also some person and all the time u have just one task of setting a conversation with hubby is ridicoulous . All i have learnt is one must have a set of hobbies and be independant enough and yes strong is the word !!!!

    thank you soo much ...
    cheers!!!!
     
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