Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

Tridev · Jul 11, 2009

Dr preethis, at my counseling session the counselor said if by now your wife has not tried to develop close relations with your daughter come what may, then its probably never going to be developed, its too late, they can pretend but who knows..

I am going to give some time for this as I have my son who is 2 years involved, somehow its a situation one cannot run from or live in ...

regarding my wife if she would be better off leaving me, its hard to say, because if that was the case she would have left me long ago.... I also feel she fears that living single is not easy with baby no matter what, a husband is important and also wife is important for a husband, but for a woman to live a single life esp in India is difficult also she does not looks like want to remarry, also its a stigma in society in India and since she married against wishes of her parents due to horoscope she may find they blaming her for her decision too.

So whole lot of things, to answer whether my wife would change, I am very skeptical , she may change but whether it would be her real self and permanent I doubt. I will try to check my flaws and correct, so that I dont do same mistakes again ... But now i am in better situation to understand what is going on.....with our lives....

As of now I am giving it a try, lets see

Harshita · Jul 11, 2009

Hello,
I see that you have replied to my post. But you haven't answered althe qs.From what you wrote:-

1. Do not say any more negative things about your wife. It is also beginning to spoil your image. Talk only about the problem.

2. If your wife is not being warm towards your daughter its OK. You take responsibility of your daughter.

3. You look responsible so why do you want your wife's approval for your daughter's hobby classes?

4.Your wife has to spend lots of time on your son as he is small. So you take care of your daughter's studies.

5. Life is not accounts. Please donot ask what did your wife do for daughter/mother/hubby. Why apart from cooking, whay do you neglect it? Cooking is feeding the family, you should appreciate it.

5. Ease the burden off your wife. Share responsibilities.

6. Do you take your wife out for fun? Do you cook maybe on a weekend or so to give her some rest? Take your son out for walksso that she can have a nap.

vijiblue · Jul 11, 2009

Hai
I am new to IL. I went through ur thread. But i dont feel surprised by ur situation. Cause each and every thing that u said had happened in my life. My stepmom is more or less like ur wife.So i can clearly understand ur position, ur wife's position, ur daughter and son's position. One thing is 4 sure. u cant blame anyone. Each one feels correct from their part.

Everything u did is for the family's good. But ur wife seems to be uncomfortable wit ur decision. So she is expressing it in the other way. Ur daughter had done nothing wrong on her part. She may be adament. But all the children at her age does it. Ur son is just a baby to understand all the stuffs going at ur home.

Broughtup decideds the character. it takes time to change.

Please i request u dont leave the situation like this for any cause. It makes things worst. Its happening in my life still now.

Just ask few things to ur daughter, ur wife and ur mom.

To ur daughter:
1. What she feels about the situation at ur home?
2. Does she likes ur wife?
3. Is she willing to stay with u people, what ever the problem is?
4. If not, she is willing to go to hostel or to her grandma?
5. Is she happy or not?

Just ask her these things and c whats her mentality is. it takes only few minutes. If she does not ans properly u may ask any of her friends or teachers to whom she is close to ask. These questions may be embarrassing but its true. u may bring ur daughter to give her good life but here the situation is too bad. She will be in her teens soon which is a crucial period of one's life. She may easily get attraced towards anyone outside who shows affection on her. U r staying in U.S not in India. It may spoil her life. Look out for a very good boarding school which concentrates on studies only and leave her there for one or two years. Sending ur daughter to Hostel or to ur mom doesn't mean u dont love her or have responsibility. its for her life and ur family. These are only for few years. She will soon became matured to understand the situation. Ur wife will surely change. Then u may call her back. But if these things persist then the gap between ur wife and daughter will increase. But for sure i can say u in what mentality ur daughter will be now cause i was in the same situation for 14 years.

Say her that u will always be there for her at any situation or whereever she is. this will make her feel secure and not deprived. ( But not in front of ur wife at any case)

But dont ever think about the society or what others will think if u take any such steps. Think about what will make ur family happy and peaceful. Please.

I will write in the next thread what to ask to ur wife and mom.

Tridev · Jul 11, 2009

Vijiblue, I already had those talks with my daugher and wife long ago, I have told my daughter and she knows I will be with her in any circumstances, children will do wrong things but parents cannot think of them as a burden anytime..

Answers to your questions

To ur daughter:
1. What she feels about the situation at ur home?

She does not like to be at home, does not like to come home, she feels unwanted as my wife does not talk, make happy gestures etc

2. Does she likes ur wife?

Yes she likes but she does not like the way she behaves with her,

3. Is she willing to stay with u people, what ever the problem is?

She has at times said she does not want to live and want to go back to India, she is not happy here.

4. If not, she is willing to go to hostel or to her grandma?

I have already said this earlier here, she is in grade 10th now, how do I move her now? where my mother stays there is state board schools , she wont be able to tackle local language, for hostel and all too she would be not able to cope with 10th curiculum there, some suggest its one more year let 10th get over

5. Is she happy or not?

she is a happy kid otherwise...

like you said any child would not listen to parent, a parent cannot keep a grudge and my daughter is already in teens , she is going to be 15 this year...

My wife has said many times that we wont keep her with her , we will put her in hostel as she is not listening type.

I also feel being a step child and a adopted child may be little different , because step child is from previous wife or husband, in this case we adopted her mutually, I know a woman who marries someone with step child also comes into a relationship knowing there is a child already, but then are adults not responsible for their decisions, can someone take responsibility and back off, esp women when they marry they marry a family as they become part of my family, they get everything from the family in terms of legal rights etc, then why does obligations become foreign.....If I have responsiblities to fullfill which I could have disowned, why those not become my wifes too, or vice versa if there were any...

Is marriage only about living for ourself, all these questions hound me, because I am not a selfish type person, I know there is practicality to life. But what good a marriage can be when you dont share common goals to which you committed....

vijiblue · Jul 11, 2009

Hai Tridev,

I can totally understand <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> points. Yes u r right that there is a difference between a step child and an adopted one. But when it comes to hurting physically or abusing verbally it totally upsets anyone. She will be very depressed by hearing those. In the age of 15 one should concentrate in her studies and live a peaceful life. How can she concentrate in her studies if the situation like this goes in <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">ur</st1lace></st1:City> home? I lost my Childhood and teens cause of such problems. Even my studies became poor. dont tyhink i am saying my stories. Its jus 2 make u clear about <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> daughter's situation.

She is a girl and has to undergo many things in her life. she needs a support til u find a right person for her.

Maybe at the time of adoption <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> wife would hav agreed but now she is not. Even my father is like u. Would not leave us anywhr in hostel or wit my grandma. He does not want the family to seperate.But the situation is worst now. My step mom is not cooking 4 us. we cook by ourself. She is worst now.this situation must not happen at <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> home too.

ok then.
1. First let <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> daughter complete her 10th grade.
2. dont leave her alone. say her that studies is evrythng and to concentrate fully in it.
3. Tell her not to take anythng in her mind wat <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> wife says. Give her hope that everything will change if she studies well.
4. Join her in any tuition or activity classes that will keep her busy. let she come late to home so that the chances for problems r less. She will come home eat and sleep.

To <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> wife
1. Tell <st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City> wife not to mind anything wat <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> daughter does. Let she say it to u after u come home.
2. ( temporarily) say her that she is very young to send her back to <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region></st1lace> or hostel. After she completes her schooling surely u will send her to <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">india</st1:country-region></st1lace> or hostel for higher studies.
3. Tell her to bear for few years. Surely things will go right.

For you.
1. Pls dont loose patience at any cost if u want <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> daughter to be wit u.
2. If <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> wife leaves u, how will u manage wit the two children. even if she takes her son wit her. Think about <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> daughter. I knw 4 this only u are struggling.
3. Be alret and try to avoid things which causes problems at home. U have to be very careful. If u find anything likely to happen try to divert it.
4. What ever <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> wife does dont fight back or use words. just take <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1lace> son and daughter outside 4 a walk and come come back after an hour.
5. Side by side let <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">ur</st1lace></st1:City> wife get counselling and do other activities. Let her also not be at home.
6. Pls maintain patience and say that u love her very much. Don’t ever pin point her negativity again.
7. from tomorrow change <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">ur</st1lace></st1:City> life style and do everything differently and in a comic way.
8. Look after <st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">ur</st1lace></st1:City> son. See that he is heathly. U said he was not feeling good. Take care.
9. Pray to God.

I guarantee u that everything will change and u all will be happy. If I had said anything wrong sorry I dint mean it.

Think Positive Act positive.

All The Best:thumbsup

Tridev · Jul 11, 2009

Vijiblue, thanks for taking time to answer in depth, also I do understand your situation, its not good to live with bitter people , what world we are living in? Hang in there, but I also feel your father needs to be little more strong ... its important for a man.....

I have a very good friend in India, he is married 15 years, his wife, his son and he lives , no in laws, as due to his wife behavior his father had to leave him and go and live with other son.

He is facing so many issues due to his wife nature that he is fighting day in and day out, his wifes personality is just like my wife, passive aggressive and dominant and controlling ...

People ask questions how he lived so longer, 15 years, but the answer is not easy, relationship can take twist and turns in time, and also as and when time flies it becomes clear if things are going to work or no , some relationship fail soon some take long...

He is facing misery and only misery, he told me a day before on phone, I tried to be very positive, I did everythign a person can imagine to be nice and good to my wife, at the end of the day she still stayed the same. She never changed, she blames him for all their misery, he is a guy I know very well, a thorough gentleman, goes to job, devoted to family.

Even though my daughter is out of the picture, I am not sure even then, whether we will live happily, one issue I face is my wife cannot express herself well, so I never understand her,I may sound pessimistic but I also feel its experience. as of now I am very down emotionally to fight such war at home.. may be because of that...I am feeling low.

You are right I dont want family to break, for me everyone is important, but I cannot manage myself everything, as I said I have been a counselor at home for so long, and am tired of all that.

I cannot live without my son , he is so nice, I told my wife if you throw me question to choose me or daughter or mother, how would i choose, she asks me questions like this in anger, what should i say, that for me everythign is responsiblity, she being my wife if not supporting to fullfil what we have to, how would that be?

I however understand your pov......