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Updates about my headache!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sweetestshweta, Apr 4, 2015.

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  1. Apr 4, 2015 #1
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Hey everyone..I was super busy because of March ending and hence haven't been able to visit the forum from sometime..
    How are you all?
    My side-Daughter is growing up fast.I am juggling between job,touring and family with a lot of care and support from my husband's side,a lot of support from my mom and dad and no support rather a lot of jerks,heartburns and headaches from MIL and SIL..
    MIL,as usual keeps visiting and staying in long spells only to take a break and go to SIL when she has to give her money or they have to do something on our back..MIL and SIL's fake love for my DD keeps increasing day by day but they would not even keep her for an hour if I am busy with office..
    Never mind..I have singe handedly managed to do a fine job in bringing her up till now..She is more than a year now and day by day it's getting easier for me to manage..
    Well,SIL is shifting to a metro now with 100% backing of MIL.BIL and his family are on an offshore assignment and hence are somewhat saved from their responsibility.

    MIL got a big chunk of my deceased FIL's investments right now and she told her sons she wants to keep it for herself.No one asked her why?I got to know that she is giving it all to SIL in form of jewellery and cash.She is also selling a couple of small ancestral properties of my FIL.We or our kids will not get a dime out of them.That will also go to SIL and her kids.Not that I want it,but I want atleast an open discussion should take place about her passing away everything to SIL.Funny thing is-MIL says she needs it for herself and then passes it on to SIL..
    I suggested my DH if our kid will ever get a share in her father's property?He was quiet.I know he is also irritated with all this but not able to do a thing.My DH is getting to know a lot more things about MIL and SIL.
    But His brother is enabling everything and I am so very angry with him..
    On the other hand,SIL is crying about how she and her mom (my MIL) aren't getting along well together and her kids are also repeating the same.
    How come she takes everything from her mom and still criticises.Selfish to the core..It's also an indication that they won't stay together once she shifts to a different city..
    I opposed her shifting but no one did anything about it.Everyone thinks her kids should atleast get good opportunity to study.Ironically,SIL is not concerned about their study.All she raves about is the big malls,eating joints etc of that city..
    Since DH and I are tied financially,we don't have much to spare right now..
    But no one is actually even telling SIL about her managing herself and her house in a certain amount every month.Nothing has been discussed yet..
    Don't know what's going to happen..I am totally baffled..
    But I have clearly put my foot down and also warned DH about possible problems over more demands of money from SIL.And that he is going to explain her.I am not going to tolerate anything which disturbs us or our family..
    Don't know what can I do in this situation..Her shifting seems inevitable and so is the spending of family's inherited property and money on SIL..And eventually the old lady will land at our place in her old age for sewa..
    Sorry for the vent..
    Please suggest something to cure my headache.I keep telling myself-a few more years..A few more years!!
     
    sweetestshweta, Apr 4, 2015
    sweetestshweta, Apr 4, 2015
    #1
    1 person likes this.
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  2. Apr 5, 2015 #2
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    SS,

    Nice to read a post from you. DD already a year old!

    If your DH is "quiet and not able to do a thing" you also can't do much about it. If even after knowing you guys are yourselves tied financially, money is going to MIL/SIL, then, it's really sad.

    I hope you are able to simply write off the inherited property, and somehow stop giving money to MIL/SIL. Open discussions won't happen, and even if they happen, who will enforce whatever is decided, and for how long will this enforcement sustain.

    The best possible scenario seems to be - Forget about the inherited wealth part, stop giving your and husband's hard-earned money to MIL/SIL, and make peace with the idea that possibly MIL will land at your place for getting seva in old-age, while her daughter will get all the money.
     
    Rihana, Apr 5, 2015
    Rihana, Apr 5, 2015
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  3. Apr 5, 2015 #3
    seekingbless

    seekingbless Platinum IL'ite

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    why would the dil ending up doing the seva for her mil when all this while mil only give importance to her dd? a mil who never bothered to care for her dil is not entitled to have her seva during her old age time too. just my POV.
     
    seekingbless, Apr 5, 2015
    seekingbless, Apr 5, 2015
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  4. Apr 5, 2015 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Please send your mil for seva to the Shravan Kumar bil who is the biggest enabler.

    Next time she goes around saying how she doesn't get along with mother...tell her "your kids have started saying this **** too.Don't be surprised if you have to hear the same from them when you grow old."

    Or just..."stop this drama....no one believes you."

    As for ancestral property....if your husband wants to...he can get his share legally. But if he isn't the kind to open his mouth,then what can be done.

    You can someday ask mil her if she is going to give your children their share in ancestral property that is their right....or is the discrimination going to go on to the next generation.Tell her ...you need to know ,keeping their future in mind.
     
    yellowmango, Apr 5, 2015
    yellowmango, Apr 5, 2015
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  5. Apr 5, 2015 #5
    nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Shweta,

    Nice to hear from you again. I am of the same view as Rihana here.

    Your husband may be fully aware of all they are planning to do. But, saying no when parent/sister ask for money, seems to be difficult for him.I would suggest you and DH copy their strategy. Never say Yes or No, openly.

    Also ask DH to see if they will ever help him, in time of need. Just tell them we invested all our savings in stocks and options, some time back. So, it depends how much money those stocks and options make every month. It is going in a very bad direction for us. We have made huge losses on stocks, and barely have enough to get through this month. Could you give us some money or our share in property? We really need it now.

    You are basically telling them we may be able to help you, or we may not. It is all dependent on circumstances beyond our control. We want to help, but are in a difficult situation, and right now we need your help to get back on our feet. Of course, it is implied that if they can't help you now, they can't expect your help later too.

    Going by all they have done till now, they may refuse to help. But, you will get an answer from them, and not be burdened with their demands any more.
     
    nb25, Apr 5, 2015
    nb25, Apr 5, 2015
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  6. Apr 5, 2015 #6
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your POV is correct - but in this case, the reality is different. The SIL is 'single' and believes her brothers owe her an extravagant lifestyle. The other son is abroad currently. MIL comes and stays with OP periodically. SIL actually also has problems with her own mother. So, it looks like down the line, the MIL will indeed land up at OP's place since SIL won't take care of her, and the other son is abroad or even if he returns - might continue to not contribute to MIL's care.

    What I suggested was the best possible scenario IMO, not the fairest. Unless OP's husband takes a firm stand and is willing to take the risk of permanently pissing off his mother/sister, not much will change. Come to think of it, a husband who knows his mother/sister are taking advantage of him but won't speak up is worse than a husband who doesn't acknowledge such abuse.
     
    Rihana, Apr 5, 2015
    Rihana, Apr 5, 2015
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  7. Apr 6, 2015 #7
    seekingbless

    seekingbless Platinum IL'ite

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    ok got it. friendssmiley
    i was thinking from my own point of view as it is a different scenario.
    MIL doesnt give a damn about us (dils) and think world of her dd. but when it comes to care and seva, both pils will count on us only, not their dd. and their dd who is much elder to us never move her butt to take care of them. only knows to boss us around. thats why the frustration came about :shaking:
     
    seekingbless, Apr 6, 2015
    seekingbless, Apr 6, 2015
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  8. Apr 12, 2015 #8
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana,YM,SB,NB..
    Well H is trying a lot to make a point.I lost it this time when SIL and MIL again made those crazy calls about her shifting asap.Had a major discussion cum argument with H.He agreed that I am very right in putting up my concerns and that they are wrong.BIL too agreed but the point is how to make these stubborn ladies understand!MIL and SIL would keep crying and emotionally blackmail them..
    Skype calls have been happening daily from last 10 days where BIL and H have tried tooth and nail to make them understand about money,future,safety issues and what not.But both ladies would not budge.Everytime they kept crying and pleading with such arguments like her kids need a strong platform etc etc..It looked like they think BIL and H as dictators.Both men lost it a couple of times..But no gains!!
    Finally no one could take this more.BIL and H agreed to her shift.They have put a few conditions about expenditure and other demands from them.SIL agreed to everything.I know its all a drama and she is gonna start them again once she shifts.
    Somehow,the whole emotional drama and all this tiff has left a very taste for BIL and H.Atleast they agree to what wrong both ladies are doing and tried to put a brake..
    But in the end,they said-what can be done if 40 something and 60 something ladies are so adamant? We can't go and beat them up..Nor can we leave them because if they are being amateur and stupid,we can't..We'll have to think about her kids..
    S0..She wins again!!Although her mask has been removed but don't really know if that's gonna be lasting..She'll be goody goody again..
     
    sweetestshweta, Apr 12, 2015
    sweetestshweta, Apr 12, 2015
    #8
  9. Apr 12, 2015 #9
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't accept that. Don't let her be the hypocrite goody goody person again.
    Be distant , stop unnecessary communications,don't respond to the overtures that will follow.Let them know they just can't keep doing this.Don't let them slip back into their cozy sponge relationship again if they don't change.

    Congratulations SS...this is a big breakthrough!At least the mask is off and bil seems to agree too.Even if bil wants to slip back into the same situation...let him,you both don't have to be sucked in.BIl is not GOD....why does he get to decide the family dynamics. If he is keen,he can continue to be the sucker...you both don't have to be.You are separate family units and you get to decide what is good for your family unit. Let him decide for himself.
     
    yellowmango, Apr 12, 2015
    yellowmango, Apr 12, 2015
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  10. Apr 12, 2015 #10
    nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Just tell them kids need most to see an independent mother, so they learn to be independent too. What good is a decent platform if they fail to learn basic life lessons? How are kids going to get a decent platform, when adults can't look after themselves? Ask them why do they expect your kids to suffer, and provide so much for her kids? Tell them how selfish they are being. Tell the your primary responsibility is to your kids, not to them. Make them feel guilty for depriving your kids too.
     
    nb25, Apr 12, 2015
    nb25, Apr 12, 2015
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