Unreasonable Mom

OK dear..so u opted out all the options..so the only option left out is u have to remain extremely patient.. No matter whatever she complains..jus pay deaf when she talks abt this matter..for this..u need to make up ur mind like u do meditation.. Like I do with my mil..I jus keep quite without growing up conversations which I don't like..change into positive topics whichever comes to ur rescue...

 

You are quite wise as evidenced by point 2 and Point 3

Point 1 is your biggest advantage, that there is no direct conflict between mom and DH


What you can do , whenever possible, is allow her to talk about such matters when you are pre occupied mentally. That way half the time your mind will be thinking/deciding/calculating something else

People say "hear words from one ear and remove them from the other"

If only they knew how hard it is to do so !

but that's your only solution, treat the words you hear as nonsensical if they are so ...

 

Because our so called values are to treat elders respectfully , parents get away with manipulation and controlling by the " elders know best " law where children are not supposed to question or fight with parents.

 

OP...your mother will not want to go to your siblings place because they won't take such toxic behavior from her.
She has trained you from childhood to take this poison from her.
You are the chosen one.
She won't change because she does not believe she is doing anything wrong.

Wanting to separate a daughter from her husband when she is happy is plain evil.
Most people would not take half of this from their mil.
Sorry for the harsh words.

May be you should take her for some counselling...if not atleast you should get help for yourself .
Wishing you tons of patience.

 

Hey,

Few points which you have mentioned in your very first post become very relevant for now and up to certain extend reason for the issues what you are going through now. Till you met your DH, your life was a continues attempts to find a place in your moms good book. You have sacrificed what ever you liked,needed in your life to achieve that, retain that. I fear the stories may get repeated, and I wish it never happen. I doubt you will be able to live without your mother, even though she wants to move on.

As per my my opinion, todays women are more practical which will make them go with the right moves which are atleast convinced by themselfs. They will always follow a path where their life will be in safest place. In your case, your walls are open and your life is in continues attack by someone who you cant live without. You needs to create your own private space for your DH and kids which no one is allowed to enter until a proper situation comes.

Also what I understood is that there is no such things in your life that your DH knows and your mother doesnt. You speaks, discuss, get some much of time to listen to all those things she is trying to prove make you convinced.

I know its really tough to stand against someone who is trying very hard to impose something on you,but you needs to survive it. Be a good daughter, at the same time spend more time with kids and DH, because thats the world you belongs now and keep atmost care to not to make even any small scratch on it.

All the best.

 

@SGBV
I can completely relate to what you are saying. I can see the traces of my sister behavior in your mom. i cannot give you any suggestion coz i myself have not been able to figure out and i see there is no solution for these problems.
one thing, your mom is not jealous on you and dont want you to divorce your husband.
same with my sister.
But what their problem is they are not able to tolerate seeing your husband having a happy life and jealous on his luck for getting a wife like you.
your mom expects you to be more strict with your hubby, give him more tough time, send him away some where job earning more money etc.
same with my sister, she many times tried her best to make me feel guilty of doing job and suggests i should quit. whether to take care of my parents or when my kids born. she will constantly tell me about her friends who quit job and living happily with kids and make their husbands earn going more high pay jobs etc.

your mom cant tolerate seeing you adjusting with any flaws your husband has. she want you to fight badly with him and may be thinking why will be leave her.
she feels he dont deserve any of your attention or love. so you should ignore him and stop caring abt him.
Also from years she has the anger in her heart about you rejecting the proposal she got and she is not able to get out of that thoughts. so she keeps reminding you.

as someone suggested, taking her spirituality side will help. It did help my sister.
explain your mom, there is no use of you sitting and repenting for not marrying the guy she got. He was not meant to be your life partner. God decides long back and there is some thing you owe your husband from previous life or karma what ever.
she should accept the situation and move on. explain her, you understand and agree for what she saying but say this is what is written in my Karma and am facing it.
she should be proud of you.

 

@SGBV- In a lot of ways I can relate to what you are feeling and going through, as I see your mother and my mother are very much alike.
Sometimes when mothers can't act/ behave maturely, the burden of growing up to understand others emotions follows on children.
It's not only my mother who sometimes acts like a child, but I have seen her sisters too, who behave in the same manner.
One of my aunt keeps telling her daughter " how she should have better control over her husband" or " to be dominating one in the family".
I sometimes wonder why do older women talk about "control" and not about mutual respect.
What is this "control" that women should have and why isn't respect, trust enough in a marriage.

In my relationship with my husband, I don't see any control or power play. It is rather easy to have respect, trust than control and resentment.
If there is respect from my husband on things I do for the family is good enough for me. I trust my husband to be a good person, he doesn't need to be monitored every min. I married him coz he is a responsible adult, who is capable of understanding the right and the wrongs and I am humble enough to be called upon when I am not doing the right thing.

My 2 cents- listen to your mom, but don't take her words seriously. It's hard for her to understand or accept, that you have different priorities in your marriage. She may be thinking that it's in your best interest that she is advising you, but you know better. Just listen but don't explain or try to make her understand.

 

My 2 cents here though I am not expert in advising or suggestion. I totally agree with you. Please do not send her to anyone's place in this age as you said she loves you more than her other children and she feels comfortable with you. She is not a thing to move one place to other place. I really do not agree with this. Who else can understand your mother more than you. For sure, she might have seen some red flag before in your husband behavior or action and may be she is not ready to believe that your husband is not like that anymore. That just shows she is overprotective about you. I think as someone said here hear from one ear and leave from other. May be involve her in some ladies group of her age so that she will be busy in that.In this age they become like toddler and we have to give them warmth and secure place to live in peace which you are giving already. Same security and warmth they give us from our childhood till we settle right. Just because we were naughty or stubborn they did not move us to any places. You are lucky enough that your husband is very loving and as long as things do not reach him you are totally fine I think. You are very lucky your mother is with you and you should feel very proud of yourself for taking care of your mother. How safe we feel when we leave our children with their Grand Mom and how relieved we feel in office when our kids are in safe loving hands. I miss those days when my Mom wait for me to come from office and I really feel sad to enter empty house now with my daughter. Wish I could have my Mom with me to welcome me home with just a smile and some nice talk like before. Hoping for that in future..