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unable to understand bil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sunflower02, Feb 15, 2012.

  1. sunflower02

    sunflower02 New IL'ite

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    Hello friends, I am a new member to this wonderful site, got to know about it from one of my friend. I am married for 5 years with a kid and working part time.
    I have a younger bil who lives close to our city visits us almost every weekend,he is unmarried.my dh loves him very much, even i share a good relationship with him and i like him.He works in areputed company earning nearly 55k, he sends most of the money home to his parents (45k) and keeps only 10 with him as mil has told him that gold prices are increasing so with the money sent she is buying gold for his wife.(not married yet).If he has go home or register on any job seeking site or any other personal expense he has no money, he calls us to book his flight tickets,
    for shopping like clothes he goes with us so dh pays for all his expenses. Dh also paid his education loan and his personal expenses when he was doing masters.if he visits us he indirectly asks for taxi expenses,that too we pay him when he leaves and also book prepaid cab for him.
    so we send 30k to his parents and 5k to bil .
    most of the time he says that his credit card not working, or server down.
    dh loves and cares for him very much a nd explained him that he should keep some amount with him also as he is trying for another job and going to get married but he doesnt listen. For the past 5 years we are booking his flight tickets , gave him laptop, latest cellphone.he doesnt even buy shirts ,travel bag that too he took mine as had 4 small bags so he wanted one big nice bag, saw my imported suitcase which was gifted to me by dad and and took it. I was not able to say no to him as dh also told me to give.he is 31 . i am really confused ,am i thinking wrong .I know both the brothers love each other very much so dont want to talk abt it to dh as he will be hurt.Is my bil's behaviour correct, or i am thinking wrong.need ur suggestions ladies
     
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  2. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    You have two options

    1. Just keep quite and dont bother for what is being spent on your BIL. If you try and talk about it, then it might create problems for you only. So better be happy in spending 5k than loosing your peace of mind and respect even after spending on all.

    2.If you want to convey anything in this regard, just tell your dh that soon he will be getting married, its good if he keep some money with him. It doesnt look good for 30+ year old man to expect others to pay even for taxi fare. Once he is married he needs to manage himself and arrange accomodation and buys things at home. For this he need to save money. Your DH can ask bro to keep another 10k for himself. Then its upto your DH how he convey the same thing to his brother.

    PS- Very awkward to see guys giving more than 90% of his salary.
     
  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    No I think you should put a stop to this, I agree both the brothers love each other dearly but he is 31 years old and not a kid brother for your DH to keep spending on him, since he is earning more than 55 k I think he should also spend on you guys, this way he came pay his gratitude to his older brother who spent on his education etc. but he looks like he is use to the receiving side and don't feel like spending his money.

    He also know's that his mom is saving his money on gold and so that way he is securing his future, if he is sending money for your in laws for their expenses may be then you can be kind enuf to spend on him, but his attitude is very selfish here.. Its high time you explain this to your DH and put a full stop for this.
     
  4. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    my BIL was almost like this. i started telling my kids asking him for gifts like cycle, keyboard, play station.....

    i managed to get at least half of the money what my husband spent on him back like this....
     
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  5. sunflower02

    sunflower02 New IL'ite

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    thanku all for ur replies....
    He does'nt spend anything on us, not even on my daughter.
    I dont care about small things but last month he called my inlaws and told them to come at our place to visit nearby places without even asking us ,inlaws cannot stay at his place since he stays with his friends , we ended up spending 50k on this family trip.I can understand his love for his parents he wanted them to see places but he did not spend a penny reason no money in his account. my dh says see he doesnt have any money in his account so we will pay for this trip.I expected him to at least informed me about his plans.I came to know from my mil when she told us to book their tickets.
     
  6. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    For his next birthday, gift him a set of undies (am not kidding). With his zero balance account, I don't think he can afford a pair himself! Poor guy!
     
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  7. lucky2

    lucky2 Platinum IL'ite

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    he he..
    wah super cool idea..!simply love it..!
    my co-sis also does the same n my husband end up buying evrythng they ask...
    funny part of this is..she does call my husband saying her 11 month old sayin 'baba' 'compu' n decodes it that the boy desperately wants 2 c my husband on video cal...hez missinh him somuch
     
  8. Mahanu

    Mahanu Silver IL'ite

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    Why cant you say him in a nice manner or thru your husband that its time for him to learn to manage his finances by himself as he is going to get married. If he is not a person who can understand it or wantedly continues this habit even after telling, then try the following:

    Deliberately divert topic about his marriage, when talking with him, particularly in the presence of your in-laws. At that time, tell him that no girl will like a man who is dependent on others for his day to day and regular expenses and it is high time that he should learn to manage his needs by himselves. Also request your MIL and FIL to advice him in this regard, conveying the message strongly to him in everyone's presence. Hope that will do the work.
     
  9. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    LOL!! That is a wonderful idea.. And there is nothing wrong also :)
     
  10. Dolfin

    Dolfin Senior IL'ite

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    I never knew people like my BIL exist elsewhere as well.
    I am in somewhat similar situation like you. I was so pissed off after a while of all the money non sense that i spoke to my husband about it. But suddenly I became the bad guy here and it seems I dont undrstand the poor child (he is 29). SO for me speaking to my husband did not work. Now I have decided not to interfere with this and i dont listen nither do i say anythg. This is more for my own peace than anythg else. If i dont kw abt it atleast my brain will not explode.I have decided to stay out of the picture till the point it is really effecting the money for us or my child. If that happens i will let loose.
    And sometimes I feel that our husbands kw that thgs are not correct but they dont want to admit it to us. I just left all the acounting related to him and told my husband I am out of it.
    Hope this helps
     

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