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Trouble in Paradise - Again!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tanoshii, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I've not visited IL in a while. But here I am again.
    I've had quite a variety of problems with my husband ranging from ****, late night chats with his parents while they complained I have not presented them with a grandchild, addiction to the internet, TV, blu-rays and players, never having friends whom he can confide in and discuss life. He is such a recluse and it worries me that I am becoming him after 8.5 years of marriage (childless too).

    He is getting worse with his addiction to electronics. He sits on the internet buying and selling blu-rays all the time. Worst of it all - every Sunday night he sits with it for at least 4 to 5 hours in the evening. Says he is trying to make more money for our future. I said I'm game with it and will help with the postage and packing etc, but he does not trust anyone and at times hates it when I or my friend's child (8 month old) comes anywhere near it. He comes home from work and checks the shelves where all these are kept. Anything found out of place he questions me. He's not hostile but the fact that he's been doing this for about 1.5 years annoys me so bad. And he knows that very well.
    He himself knows he is addicted to it. We've been trying to get pregnant for a while now. I am on medication and it requires us to try every few days with every course. The very first time we started with it he got "busy" with this same old stuff and I panicked if he ever even wanted children.

    This is not the first. He's been on and off some or the other addiction which both of us know is affecting our personal life. We've been married 8.5 years and I still don't feel like I know him. I know we love each other and he really cares for me. But every time he trails off with one of his excuses I explode and I start doubting myself. Have I lost my mind? Am I being paranoid for no reason? Or is my temper and insecurity making me disillusioned? Am I blaming it all on him for no reason, or out of guilt that I could not make anything of myself.
    We've been away from our family for quite a while now and I am under a lot of pressure from them too. I've stopped talking to all our relatives cos I know where the conversation always leads to, or I am just paranoid to discuss it.

    I am just so tired of it all. I am considering separating from him for a while. This morning I called him to contact his employer and get my passport back (which at present is half way through a Visa extension process).

    I think I've babbled enough..I just can't figure out where I am right now or what I should do next. I just feel so blank and hurt. Every time I trusted him he only behaved otherwise and he'll apologise saying he'll stop it. I don't think I can go along any longer. I am thinking I'll stay with my parents for a while, sort my health issues there (which is currently circling the drain!!) and take some time off HIM!!! I desperately needed someone to talk to. I am thinking counselling will help. God knows what is going to start once I get back home. I know people have mouths and when they have nothing better to do, they yap!! I'll be the hot entertainer for a while, but I can't let that stop me from setting my life right.

    I also plan to talk to his parents about this. Apparently they've handed me their innocent, precious little boy whom I'm supposed to carry in my heart for the rest of my life and care for him as my own. Well they've got to grow up along with him!! My husband kept saying we should delay having children and at one point my doctor and my parents got so vexed. My parents met his and spoke to them about all of it. And until date his parents still believe its cos of my horoscope that this is getting delayed. And they are being very magnanimous by not discussing it at all except for the occasional visit to the temples and prayers for a grand child. Their problem is their son, but they don't seem to want to deal with it. Sorting priorities does not seem to be of any importance to parents as well as the son. Well they don't respect their own daughter enough and bad mouth about her all over town, what better would they treat me??????

    I really just wanted to vent it all out ladies. Can't talk to anyone at home cos they blow everything out of proportion before even knowing the actual facts.
    I know I have babbled on and on..But feel better and clearer about my decisions already. But any advice and suggestions are welcome. would really appreciate it.
     
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  2. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you Tanoshii.. Looks like you are going through a stressful time. Cheer up.

    Yes, talking to him along with his parents are the only option. I don't know what I would do in your situation... these are issues, which adds stress and really difficult to find a solution, unless or untill the person really wants and tries to change.

    Try if you could get him focussed on something else.. by probably taking him along with you to gym or anywhere outside where he could meet other people. Making some good friends, and having them call on him could bring a wee bit out of his current interests. But it definitly needs 2 to tango. So try if you could persuade him to make new friends. This is the only that comes to my mind outside of talking to his parents.

    All the best Tanushii.. Cheers !!
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Tanoshii,

    If you are currently on medication, it plays havoc with your hormones and messes with your mind, that could be the reason for your mood swings. So rest assured, you are not losing your mind or going paranoid, even thought it might seem that way. :)

    It is clearly a stressful time for you. I think your idea about taking some time off and going to stay with your parents is a good one. As for facing people after coming back it is none of their business. Just say you are going on a trip to take care of some things at your parents place. Meanwhile just dont burn your bridges or do something rash while you are in this kind of hopeless helpless bad mood. Like the passport issue you referred...I didnt quite understand what you meant but don't do anything rash.

    Conceiving is a mental thing as much as it is a physical thing. It will happen when it will happen. Esp for a woman, it is important for you to be at mental peace with yourself. I have many friends who had trouble conceiving but they all told me that it happened when they least expected it. In this era of fertility specialists and ivf and other such modern miracles conceiving is not impossible. It may just take some time but one way or other you will conceive. So dont worry about that. Right now you clarify your feelings about the marriage and the h. Take this timeout and go visit your parents. Also try to do something for yourself everyday that will make you feel happy...it could be something small or something big. Slowly hopefully you will find a way.
     
  4. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks JustMyself,

    Thanks a ton for the hug..I really needed it. And thanks for your response.

    I really agree with you : Its difficult to find a solution, unless or untill the person really wants and tries to change.

    I tried coaxing him to the gym. 4 years later, still no effect. We do watch loads of movies and do loads of other stuff together. We went on a holiday spree last year covering all of UK, but even that did not seem to loosen him. He keeps saying work is very pressuring and there's something blocking him from doing the right thing.

    We tried going to friends' places. Fortunately we have quite a few good friends around and they are more than happy to have us over. These friends are all we have when you are away from home. But that too does not work out all the time. Either he or many times I have said no cos I just would not feel like it.

    Making new friends had never been a problem for me. Maintaining the relation as a couple is. He'd find some reason as petty as "they do not have as much interest in electronics as I do" and would start keeping his distance. It got so bad at times, my friend's husband would call me and invite us home. Naturally I said I'll confirm with my husband and let them know. The reply they gave me really shook me. They said why ask a person who they knew would say no. I should go along if I were interested and in a way not bother about him. This happened on so many occasions to the extent that I started feeling very uneasy around some of them when their wives weren't around. God it was an awful feeling to know what they thought about him. HE IS MY HUSBAND. And seeing what he is doing to himself and to me as a result, only got me more worked up.

    Last week, as it has happened loads of time, I yelled at him for not answering a call from another friend cos he thought they call to speak to me only. Finally I convinced him he was not going to be eaten by cannibals at the other end and he managed to call back (must have been the first time in a very very long time) and speak to them for a short while. He never calls anyone on his own just to chat. I guess having friends makes a lot of difference in life.

    At this rate..teaching him everything word by word, having to argue about simple logical stuff about life or even having to tell him at this age about what his priorities should be, having to be a mother to a 34 year old and not treated as a wife, I am afraid I'll end up in an asylum sooner or later...Actually sooner than later.

    But I guess the break will help me. I will try harder to keep things good. Like you said, it takes 2 to tango. No point in me not being interested if I want him to dance. :)

    Thanks again hon.
     
  5. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply Sandhya.

    I know the medication plays havoc too. I've been on random meds for the same problem for about 4 years now.
    Its not like I have an example for every problem. It has taken him about 9 years to realise his wife, now 30 years old, needs a child. And he still does not seem very committed to it. That is what is causing this actual petty issue to feel so big for me. These addictions were the reasons we are here now and why keep repeating the mistake until one of us calls it quits? I've been the one to do so at many occasions. I just could not deal with minding him like a child.

    The thing about the passport is that our current UK visa is expiring and its been sent to his employer to apply for an extension. THIS is a reason for him to not visit home. He's not been to India for almost 2 years now and its been the case all my life with him. He visits only when the pressure is at its highest point and his parents get so annoyed at him.

    I wanted to move back home for good and I knew that would not be fair to his career. I decided the easy thing would be to go home, stay there for a few months and maybe look into the fertility treatment with relatives around to support me when I felt down. It should not have been a problem at all and we had quite a few chances to do it. But it was not "feasible" for him!

    He always found some reason, its the visa now. Last year our computer broke and the cost of buying a new one took priority over the rest. The year before we bought a new house and we could not afford to spend time on other stuff cos he was too busy with work and I HAD to take care of the new matters with the house. The year before he fell sick and we could not travel back home. The year before that he was too busy getting to a good level at work, children were distractions. The one before that was that he was too young to have kids.

    These never seem to end. Its what drives me nuts and its draining the life out of me. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. I stay in all day, avoid friends and eat what ever I can find to fill the void.

    God..I've been going on and on again.
    I sometimes wonder if its all worth it. There seems to be no pressing reason why we should even stay married if all he wanted was a maid/personal assistant/home maker where ever he went. BTW this is our 22nd home since we got married.

    Sorry about the long reply..but had to talk...Thanks for reading it :).

    But I am getting back my passport now so I can go back home before I lose it all for good. I can get the visa extended from India. But I simply can't afford to have any more hope in rectifying all these years of stupidity alone, by myself. I seriously need help.
     
  6. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    honestly woman, dont get so wound up and paranoid about having a baby! You are only 30, not like 60 that u cant have baby. You are young, enjoy life with your husband, these are supposed to some of the best times of your life. You live in europe in a beautiful country, inlaws live thousands of miles in another country, seems from the post you do not work and husband is sole earner, still you are whining and crying your way through life. Why?!


    Take care of your husband too - he is the sole breadwinner, think of him and what he needs, dont fight and stress him out all the time. Be relaxed and happy around him, smile - give him happiness and he will relax and give u happiness too.

    And what is this so much pressure u r putting on urself and hubby for baby? Of course u will have a wonderful baby to love 1 day, beleive in that dream, but till then enjoy life, be happy and smiling, appreciate ecah day of life. I've seen lots of indians like this - are in their twenties, having nice careers, educated, living in US, UK - yet they put themselves under so much pressure to have baby. Why? not becasue they themselves want the baby, but because "people back home' - parents, inlaws, nosy neighbors, random aunties - want to see baby. Arrey yaar, its their life or ur life?? I assume u guys were married v young - early twenties, hubby is right when he says he was too young earlier to have baby. Slow down on all this close interaction with your parents, his parents - you and hubby are adults now, why all this dragging parents into ur businesss? Be a mature adult, think for urself, act by urself - stop putting pressure on urself for baby, ur r under medical treatment and in this day and age and at ur age, 30 not too old, with treatments n all u will have baby. And so wht if u n hubby dont have too many friends? focus on the right quality of frnds not numbers of frnds. ur hubby is working hard to take care of u, u also work hatrd to take care of him, make him mentally happy etc, u will be happy n relaxed n things will work out for u.
     
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  7. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply yesican. :)
     
  8. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear tanoshii, are u communicating the issues with ur hubby? is he aware of how u feel? i think u should tell him all what u hav poured here. tell him how his addictions affects you. becos he is the one who needs to change. try to find out the root reasons that why he is being like this. if i were in ur situation i will do that first..let him accompany you while visiting doctor... many gynacs here in chennai give counselling for ttc couples..should be available there also... make him sit with you when u talk with ur gynac about ur treatment.. let him be a part of it.. its both of ur resposibility and he must understand that.
     
  9. Ganaraya

    Ganaraya Bronze IL'ite

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    i can tell you from experience, fix the problems in your marital life BEFORE you give birth to a child. i know how strong the urge is, to have a baby, especially given the duration of your marriage. but, parents OWE it to their child to provide a safe, stable and secure environment for him/her.

    if the mother and father are not happy, the child is disturbed.

    will outside counseling work? he has issues he does not want to work on, does not understand when you try and help him. it sounds like a pretty unhealthy way to live. addiction issues need professional counseling and help. have you already explored this avenue?
     
  10. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Riyagan and Ganaraya.
    I appreciate the response. I have communicated the problems to him quite a few times. It just all comes out in a big bang every time. I get all emotional. Angry, sad, depressed and tired at the same time trying to explain to him why we should not be doing this to each other. Well, I guess I've picked up one point at a time from each of you and it sure has helped me in the past few hours.

    Yesican - Thanks for that..Maybe I did need a jolt to wake up and smell the sweet air. I have to confess, when I first read your post I got so worked up again. But I gave it some thought. Its not like we never had good times, we had more than our share of it, we still are. I am just waiting for my real life to begin. In other words, have a future in the relationship and move ahead. I guess I am lucky not to have to work a day in my life.

    Riyagan - yeah, we spoke last night..again..and we decided both of us will have to work towards making things better. I just get so lonely here without a family to lean on and having to face all the pressure by myself and take on more from bystanders and onlookers who have no real clue as to what is going on between us. But we are thinking about couples counselling and will get started on it and on my health/weight issues to set things right one at a time. Plus we agreed just last month that he will go along with me for my appointments form now on. There are some things a little more important than work at times :) .

    Ganaraya - That was well said. I know it won't be a good atmosphere for the child to grow in if we parents can't get along in the first place. At first I was just angry with him not wanting a child and me wanting it so bad yet being deprived of it. It just felt cruel. And yes we have had quite a shaky past and we have managed to work things out this far. A little more help and we'll be over to the good side of life. :)

    And like I said, we are trying to get outside help now. I had suggested it to him quite a few times..again..what's gone is gone.
    I'll ask my GP about how to go about it and hopefully when I'm in India I'll continue with it until we set things right enough.

    Thanks again for your help ladies. :)
     

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