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Toxic Marriages And Love

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by coffeecups, Jun 8, 2016.

  1. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    In unhappy marriages, where the wife hates her life, and has been a victim of loads of abuse- physical and emotional,in the hands of their very own husband's literally cry every day and say they lost hopes on future, yet maintain that they still love their husbands.
    It is understandable that they had a great life initially, were in love with their spouses, before all the abuse started. But, 1. How can a wife still maintain that she loves her husband, despite acknowledging that he makes her life a living hell. Is she trying to act the martyr or is it because of mistaken concepts if love.
    2.why doesn't the same principle apply to a mil? Why is it that we lose our respect for ils easily but yet love the spineless husband who is a mute spectator to ils abuse of his wife?
    The term I used to/I was in love are more apt when describing an abusive . If we still vehemently insist that despite all the physical/mental abuse, lack of character, respect for woman, we still love our husbands dearly, then it's time we wake up, dust our shoulders off and realise that, that particular emotion is not love, but it's more of our hope in hanging on to the skeletons of perfection, we imagine, exist.
    P.s. I am not talking about marriages where couples face domestic issues, have some rough times and later patch up. In fact, in those circumstances, it's our love for the spouse, that helps us buy some patience, understand their view point and come to an amicable solution. I am talking about the ones where, the spouse has turned a victim to the abuse of another.

    Your thoughts!!
     
    IniyaaSri, SGBV and KashmirFlower like this.
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The woman thinks being out of love reflects on her. She thinks of it as a failure on her part.
     
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  3. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    What surprises me is, it includes women who are smart and well educated!!
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes. In fact, the smart and well educated might hesitate most to really recognize that the husband is not worthy of love. The less affluent, and putting PC aside, the women who work as household helps or similar jobs, will be more likely to have it out with the husband, in open air. : )
     
  5. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Well educated maybe, smart maybe not... I think women in such cases become way too dependent on the partner to get out. Plus there is very little support for them once they leave. The decision of marriage itself was a bad one to begin with.. In west, a couple of decades back it was fine, I don't think it is that easy for them anymore. So yes, there are women in western society too who bear with it all. Though it seems glorious on the outside, the less affluent women you are talking about don't have it that easy. I have seen the not so pleasant side of one such woman's life... Whatever it is, it is not easy in any case. It is just that some women are much more courageous and get out no matter what, some have no choice and the rest are probably confident that they can make it after getting out..
     
  6. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing your views
    My question was not on whether these woman ultimately come out if the marriage or not. Y do these women proclaim they love their husbands even after so much abuse? Is it bcos they don't understand what love is?
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    It is the women's self love and EGO which blindfolds her mind from thinking.

    The educated women, who has some sort of an image in the society do not want to be seen as a failure at all.
    Sadly the society labels any women who is out of her marriage as a failure, despite of her case - perhaps the husband is the culprit, in laws' interference, dowry issue etc... but women are blamed and labeled and victimized and more importantly sympathized and ridiculed for this.
    Unless the abuse is intolerable, these women chose to stay in their marriage, as they LOVE their marriage due to its comforts, than their spouse.
    It is their hope for a better future that keeps them living.
    They either confuse this to love for their life partner.

    I know some women refuse physical intimacy, lost the libido, and do not have any feelings for their spouse, yet they say they love them.
    I know some women are ill-treated, disrespected and they are in constant fear of physical abuse. Yet they say they love their spouse.
    Why? Because they love their marriage. They love to be married than to be separated for social reasons.
    So, they need their spouse anyways.

    Many women weigh their marriage struggles with the struggles they might face as a divorcee. With educated, working women it is not the financial struggle. But the social struggle to be called as a looser is more stressing. No one likes to be called as a looser.

    However, women in the grass root level, who do not have education or financial independence take it differently. They don't have this so called "ego". So, they don't feel bad to be called as a looser or even to have some sympathy over it. In fact, they demand for sympathy on their marital status.
    That's why we hear so much sob stories from our maids about their marriage, and they expect sympathy; thus they can get a salary hike.
    It is even easier for them to leave their abusive spouse than us/educated women.
    But we, educated women use anonymous identity to share our case virtually, as we can't discuss the same among others in real life. Because we have this thing called "ego", which is very fragile; thus we don't want that to be hurt.
     
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  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    From my perspective...

    1. We get a hang of reality when we r in bad phase, until then we dont realize how good life was. Then we start to make things work n start loving H more dearly..cuz he is def one(among few others) that we depend on. And for a family its important for wife n H to have good rapport.
    2. Once the H starts being abusive, ignoring, non-caring , etc for a long time n we get used to that life style n probably even thinknof quitting...then if he suddenly does one small thing for us like getting veggies without us asking, then it will start love storm in wife..feeling that finally he started caring for me..n she ends up giving her whole life waiting for more moments like that..saying that she loves him.
     
  9. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV
    Nicely put
    But y do they want to proclaim their love even in virtual spaces where no one knows them and hence their fragile ego has no risk of getting broken
     
    madras2018 likes this.
  10. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    Agree with the vegetables example
    Very true
    Women are softies at heart and hence get melted at the first sight of husband's doing something
     

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