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Toddler Sleeping And Issues With H

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweety2016, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am back for some suggestions seriously as am completely perplexed.

    We bought a new home and finally shifted there. The past month was hectic beyond words. The new home has 3 bedrooms. Ever since the start H is keen in putting the baby (2.75 years) sleep in her room. He has already established boundaries saying master bedroom is mine, the other one is his and the last one is baby's. I mean I just dont understand why does he want to compartmentalize rooms? I hate the very idea of it. He says his room is his working space where he would decorate it as per his will, spend some lone time etc.
    The issue is he is forcing me to make the baby sleep in her room as this is the right age. Baby is so possessive about me..so much clingy that she wants me right from the time she opens her eyes in the morning..Dad is jealous of our bonding..How much ever he tries being nice to her she keeps crying for me.. He yesterday threatened me saying if baby sleeps in the bedroom he will sleep in the baby's room. i told its his wish..Intimacy has become too much stealthy due to this as the baby starts crying even there is slightest of disturbances. May be he is not liking this..but is not telling me the real reason..
    Something lead to other and I fought badly with him yesterday and it was our marriage anniversary as well which i spent crying..He kept arranging stuffs with a poker face..
    I have seen many ladies posting here as to how they put children in other bedrooms but am somehow not finding this idea convincing enough.She cries like hell even if she has to be in her room for a minute..How can I now train her? .I slept with my parents and even today we all sleep together at my mother's home. When adults need some cuddling kisses and hugs during sleep time, wont children need them? Atleast my baby sleeps hugging me.. How can I forcibly detach myself from her loving clutches? Ladies suggest me something pl.
     
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  2. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    It’s two different mindsets. There is no right vs wrong. I completely understand your husband on this. I started putting my kid in other room with baby monitors from the beginning. It’s not just about couple intimacy in my opinion. My baby loves sleeping alone. Me/my husband go to my kids room and read or tell stories until he sleeps. We wil leave when he starts to sleep. I really don’t like to share bedroom every single day with kid. Me and husband don’t like sleeping in separate beds. But it’s me, it’s a decision we made. I respect your preference but you guys as a couple need to talk to each other. Get inputs from your doc too.
     
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  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    It doesn't happen overnight. It takes very long time. First, tried to set up her own room and make her get used to it by playing by herself, at least few hours a day. Make her feel that is her room, her toys, books, her cloths in her own closet and others need permission to enter her room etc.

    At the beginning she may sleep for 1-2 hours and then start crying or will come to your room by herself. Eventually, she will sleep in her own room.
     
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  4. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    I also feel she is too young to sleep in her room alone. Your H is demanding too much. This time the baby needs the comfort and presence of mom. She wont be sleeping with you fore ever. Make her sleep between you and hubby. If hubby resists, sleep with her alone.

    Baby needs you more than H.
     
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  5. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    @Sweety2016 ,

    2.7 is too small to go to their own bedroom, if they care clingy. My DS is 4.5 very clingy to me and DH both equally. He will demand us sleeping with him thought he has his room.

    Why don't you both go to another bedroom for ur intimacy time.

    Once they go old they will go to their room on their own. This is best time to bond with ur kids.
     
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  6. viki123

    viki123 Silver IL'ite

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    coming to transition it should be a slow process. Start with naps first.
     
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  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    If you put TV in her room to watch cartoon, she will get used to her room....faster. She may wander around to the room by herself.

    It's time you let her get used to the places without you. By 4, you can send her to pre school. If she is too clingy, it will be a problem.

    Have you tried to let her mingle with other kids of her age?
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    There is nothing wrong in his suggestion. At 2 they are ready to sleep in their room.

    This is very good setup. Every one get their own space.

    If you know already it looks bad on you to wait for him to tell you. Different individuals build relationship differently. I think you need to respect your H wish and start training the baby to sleep in different room.

    Just because he is making a suggestion wrt to her sleeping doesn't make him bad husband or H. You are just angry at him for suggestion. Parenting is give and take. I feel your H suggestion is very valid.

    That is the reason your H wants to sleep with you

    Detachment has nothing to do with training toddler to sleep in their room. There are numerous way to shower your love. Co-sleeping is well and good if both parents are in same page. If you are not waking up to feed her then it is better for her to sleep in her own room.
     
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @Sweety2016 , there is no right or wrong way about this. It was around this age that i sleep trained my daughter too (mostly because I had #2 on the way shortly). I do not see anything wrong with your husband's idea about getting a separate room for the baby. Of course there will be lot of tears. being consistent is the key. rest assured, if you dont start now, she will still be sleeping with you when she is 10, if you dont ever start. This in itself is not a bad thing if all people are on-board with the idea but sooner or later you will want a different room for the baby/kid.

    I am not really sure what exactly your question is; if you are asking suggestions on sleep training or if you are in general making a comment about husband stand-point on it.
    I think you are confusing with being able to love your baby vs getting her to sleep. Just because you are sleep training doesnt mean that your love for her is somehow diminished.

    FYI, my daughter now sleeps on her own and if she wakes up, she knows how to fall asleep because that is how we taught her. You need to create a safe, beautiful room for your daughter, spend lot of there there during the day. get her to nap first, then slowly move to nighttime.
    At close to 3, she is not really that young. She will be fine. Be consistent.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Where child sleeps, and when it starts sleeping separately is highly dependent on family. You need to break down the situation into analyze-able parts and then decide what is the best for the family as a whole.

    As mother and primary caregiver, you have the bigger say in the decision
    You are the one to help child to fall asleep currently, she goes to a creche on your office campus. You are the one dealing with guilt that during work day you are not spending as much time with her as other moms. You are the one child clings to. So, you get to decide, IMO.

    What all should be in the criteria for your decision
    What your family did and how you slept as a child is not a good measure. Your mother was most likely not working in a hectic job. You want to accomplish some things at work. You are feeling so frustrated at the lack of me-time at home. Maybe you also feel there is not enough connection with husband even though he is doing his bit with chores and parenting. The child's sleep-time routine is draining you. Your husband has openly said he wants the child in a separate room. Intimacy has taken a certain toll. Don't let your guilt of not spending enough time with child cloud your decision. It is best for all if she starts to sleep in her own room. Move to new house and turning 3 soon is a good time.

    When husband and wife disagree on a parenting issues like this, the one who wants child out of the room has a stronger argument. It is like one parent eats non-veg, another doesn't. Child usually grows up eating only veg. It is easier for the non-veg parent to accommodate veg parent's preference. It is easier for you to make up to child for her sleeping separately.

    Yet if you want child to sleep with you
    If after all thinking, you still want child to sleep with you, then, deal with it and discuss it so that it does not remain a perpetual "fighting" topic. Perhaps you could bring up the creche situation, and say as it is at work other moms visit kids more often. And, be ready to compromise. Child always sleeping with you is not an option due to your husband's preference. Can she start sleeping by herself when she is 4? All including daughter can work towards that?

    How to train child to sleep separately
    There are tons of articles and advice on this. Parent should be consistent. Make her room attractive. Emphasize the "big girl" reason. Involve her crazily in decorating the room. Make a big deal of it is "her" room. Refer to it as her room in conversations. Have a specific bedtime ritual. And then leave her room. You are not responsible to be there till she falls asleep. You provide the comfort, the warm bed, dim lights, and so on. Actually falling asleep is your child's job. Maybe, since your husband is more keen about this, he can take primary responsibility for this change. Be tactful. Tell him he is right, but that you will be "weak" and give in to child's cries. So, can he handle things like when child needs to be carried or walked back to her room. Consistency from you is the key.

    Any new habit that needs to start in child, or a habit that needs to be stopped, the process towards it is always harder on the parent. The child forgets the trauma even before the tears dry. The mom remembers them at work for days together as she gazes at the computer monitor unseeingly. Your husband is more right in this case. Give it a try, give it at least 4 months, she will slowly start to sleep more in her own room.

    Gotcha's
    Now, the inquisitive and analytical child might ask why daddy and mommy get to sleep together while she has to sleep by herself. What could be a good answer? : ) I don't know. "We need to sleep together to arrange for a sibling for you to share your room with" is not exactly a response to give to a child. : )
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018

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