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To separate or not to..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by unkoki, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. unkoki

    unkoki New IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I am in a very serious situation and I need suggestions from as many ppl as possible. This is going to be a long post...

    I have been married to a guy for close to 3 yrs now. I have a 1yr old son. Ours was an arranged mge and we belong to different states. From the beginning, I felt his thinking mindset and mine differed but I thought they werent big enuf to call off a marriage. We got engaged after 15days of seeing each other. Then got married after a gap of 4 months. In those 4 months we had major fights which the family members knew as well. Somehow dint have the guts to call off the wedding. I thought they were just differences in thinking patter but not that he was bad or I was bad. Also before marriage I felt even my MIL's behavior towards me was not good. There were she used to speak very well and sometimes when my husband wasnt around, she used to comment on me and my family and make hurting remarks. After marriage all this increased. My husband was a typical parent's son, not that he ignored me or something but he was sympathetic and a person who thought being the eldest his parents are his responsibility. My MIL kept passing comments and she and my FIL as well have this typical loose talks about everyone which was new to me. They pretty easily comment on people without thinking how the other person might feel. When I told this to my mom, she said they arent harmful as such she wud never want to ruin mine or my husband's life, its only that they are commenting harmlessly or thoughtlessly. As time progressed I and my husband had issues, he has a typical thought process something very negative, for example when my mom asks when we would visit their place next, he wud give back a rude answer saying that my parents shud encourage me to visit my inlaws house more etc. He used to make my mom sit in the backseat when they both are travelling, dint feel like calling my mom when he saw a msd call from them, I felt it only showed his conservative and shy thinking. Then something unexpected happened, when my inlaws came to visit us, my MIL was very rude to me passing some kind of comments on parents, sis about how marriage went on about money related matters, she says all of it and finally ends up saying we dont expect any money from u. I hope u get wat kind of person she is, she kept on saying something to me, called me by various names and commented on the household stuff my parents bought etc but finally before her son and others she acts as if they dont expect anything.All this continued till 6 months back when we came to US. I dint tell my husband many things coz I dint want to spoil our mood. Was that a mistake? Coz if I tell we used to fight and lose our peace, he supports his mom etc... But my husband came to know abt his mother when she directly commented abt me to him and there was a fight. Now after coming to US, eventhough I have it in my mind that my MIL never treated me well, not even when I was pregnant, during fights I at times bring up her topic. So my husband thinks his mom is innocent sitting there and I am the one who is always cursing his mom, which I dont do, occassionally whn he brings up my parents topic , I bring up his. The other prob is his attitude, he gets angry very easily on my parents or me, his patience level is very less like he doesnt like if someone takes baby from his hand, if someone tries to caution him abt something 2-3 times. And when he is angry he has no control on his tongue at all, he calls my dad a drunkard, says words to my mom, though they never interfered in our lives, neither has my mom or dad till date conspired and posioned my head against my inlaws or husband, on the opp, they want me to good to them and take things lightly, I get very agitated and curse his mom when I hear things like these from his mouth as his mom mentally tortured but I forgave her. His angry attitude make me fret, he takes things negatively like when we are planning to talk to our sister/BIL and his parents I told him to start talking to his parents now as he speaks longer to them otherwise it wud get late to speak to my sister/BIL coz of timezone issues, he asked me "so r u saying i shud not spk to my mom?" I never meant or said that. In the past I told his parents on how he gets angry and loses his tongue coz I felt if they tell he may change but was of no use, they ended up supporting him and giving me names and MIL openly cursed me on phone.

    Apart from the above, he is caring and generously takes care of me and my son's needs. He is not always rude to my parents but when loses tongue when he in angry. My parents are not at all related to our fights but he keeps saying words. He accepts his mistake with a clause that not even you were correct or not even 'x' was correct and somehow acts very foolish when I tell him something. He doesnt use his brain at times. I really dont know what to do, I am financially stronger than him and can live independently. But I dont know if the above are reasons enuf to divorce/separate from him. Explaining him is of no use as somehow things dont get to his head and finally we end up fighting and cursing each other and parents.


    Pls help!!! Please

    Thank you
     
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  2. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    His mother is a monster accordingly to you which you want to hear from him - Never gonna happen !
    Your mother is a divine being sent from heaven which he needs to understand - Unreasonable !

    Instead why don't you tune your mindset to breakfree from this subjugation or power-play. His mother is WORST accordingly to you but he does not assert it for you. Your mother is the BEST in the world but why does he have to corroborate ?

    Are these reasons good enough for divorce ? I doubt ...

    I mean you guys are having BIG issues trying to make the other person bend once and accept that what you think is right. How does it matter? What you think should be clear and strong in your thoughts even the other person does not feel the same ..Even if he feels otherwise as long you cherish your opinions no one can downplay them. Let go off this compulsive urge to make the other person say - YOU ARE RIGHT ! rather you are making it even tough by expecting - I AM WRONG.

    Bingo ! What else do you need to be glad that your marriage is not as bad as you think it is. Just learn to ignore few incidents and turn a deaf ear to few things in life. It is very tough to do that especially with your loved ones but not impossible.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2011
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  3. unkoki

    unkoki New IL'ite

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    Uttara,
    Thank you for your time.
    I dont expect him to accept my mom is right. But when he is rude to them for things as mentioned above which I feel are petty, like cautioning more 2-3 times or taking the baby from him or inviting him to my parents place etc he make a serious statement and gets rude, I feel thats not necessary after all they never cursed him or anything and I faced lot more from his mom. He is not that social or mingling type which also creates problems. He doesnt speak to my parents freely, only answers what is asked and very rarely says something tat too lookin at me, his shy mentality makes me jealous of other couples whose men are close to their inlaws.

    A mental outburst happens when he is rude to me or my parents, I recollect all these and feel like leaving him. But dont want my son to be deprived of dad's love.
     
  4. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you ever checked with your parents subtly how they feel about this whole thing? Do they feel gutted with this behaviour of his, mind your parents have seen the world better than you and are aware of these kind of altercations that happen between married couples. For all I know they would just not mind being ignored or disrespected and take it in the right spirit if that is causing rift in their daughter's married life. All they care is your happiness. If he does not like your parents, do not insist on him visiting them. Period. The problem is when he does not let you visit them, which is not the case.

    It would hurt them to the core that the major issue between you guys is that elders not being treated with due respect by each party.

    Which makes me wonder, if these accusations have a root problem elsewhere ? Is this mistreatment meted out to your parents imploding into your marital life or your marital discordance is exploding as name-blame on each other parents. Which way is true ?

    Moreover first thing first, stop comparing your life with anyone and stop complaining your spouse to YOUR parents as well as HIS parents! You both need to sort it out. They might lend a sympathetic ear or shrill cry. You cannot complain to his parents and expect them to support you. I mean look at it ..you are having a strained relationship witih them and cannot expect them to support you. Parents are parents including yours..they love their kith to death.

    For now forget his parents, your parents and only about YOUR FAMILY. Are you happy ? If you are then, stop feeling bad about your parents unless they are ridiculed in public and outrageously humiliated. He dislikes them ..you don't have to train him for the rest of your life to like them. Trust me, you ALONE can compensate for all the love and respect that they deserve in this lifetime. Don't be too adamant about him mingling with your family members. Again, unless your ILs are damagingly mean to you, don't go about shunning them or expecting your spouse to nurse your bruised sentiments. Just let it go honey, trust me ..it is all gonna be fine :thumbsup!
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Unkoki,

    I think I understand what you are trying to say. Your material needs are being taken care of, you have a roof, etc but you are not at peace to enjoy anything or even appreciate it because of the constant verbal warfare. Your home is like a verbal war zone. Nothing is wrong on paper but yet everything is wrong, is that right? And you are wondering whether you have the strength to continue to take this because no matter what you do things are not changing for better. That is what you are trying to say right? Yes it is difficult to explain to some and people may not get it and ask why you are complaining etc.
     
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  6. unkoki

    unkoki New IL'ite

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    Absolutely... I have no mental peace coz of the ongoing verbal warfare which makes me depresses and want to run away from it...

    But I donna if tars the right solution/decision...
     
  7. unkoki

    unkoki New IL'ite

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    Uttara,

    His illtreatment is causing fites as I question him. But its not again like he dislikes them or something, he is good to them too but only when provoked (he says tat but i dont think its a reason to be provoked) he behaves rude. But how much ever my family is imp - i,hub and son, I am still unable to overlook any illtreatments to my parents and the way he doesnt mingle freely with anyone also bothers me, my parents love to see him speak freely with them and others just as my sis husband freely mingles with them and everyone.

    I am just fed up of all these fites on account of parents... I hope everythings comes into place, thanks dear.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2011
  8. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    We all understand your frustration and anguish.

    I would not recommend you to think about divorce now as you never know when your thoughts could gain the impetus and lead to that drastic step. Moreover in your case since it is only 3 years of marriage with parental issues (not belittling) I strongly feel that both of you can work it out. Moreover there is something about your post that clearly states that you both love each other...

    I hate to say this but if you vehemently need a change perhaps live separate for few weeks. Missing him would make your situation worse or the stree free environment would make you think properly on what you want in life. You would be able to make out if this is something that you really want. Again today might just be one of those days when you are really frustrated and want to vent out your feelings. The problem might not seem that big tomorrow. All the best !
     
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  9. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,

    I think you can very well live seperate for a few days/weeks as Uttara said. I feel divorce is too drastic a measure for this problem. You need not go to the extent of spoiling your life for this issue.

    When he is in a good mood, talk to him in a nice manner saying how you feel if he talks about your parents. Tell that you are ready to do anything for him and ask him to stop it if he loves you really.

    Divorce is too big a step for this issue.
     
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  10. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,
    I understand how you feel. But with a kid along, divorce should be the last step you should take. I'm not saying you should put up ith what he does. Have you thought on these lines: 1) Have you told him completely on how you feel about this and you are thinking about divorce if he doesn't change his ways?2) Is it possible to take him to anger management class or some psychological counselling sessions? 3)Is there any common person who can talk sense to him? saying this marriage is collapsing because he couldn't hold his tongue.
     
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