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Tips needed to handle orthodox MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Socialbee, Jan 26, 2012.

  1. Socialbee

    Socialbee Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    Please provide me some tips to handle my orthodox MIL who has some thousands of blind faiths and belief in practices like "theettu, patthu, madi, aacharam, etc, etc.." . I dont believe in many of these stuffs except for few which are basically for personal hygiene and clealiness. She still believes that women having periods should not mingle with others and so on.... I dont like any of it but dont want to be rude to her either. Also, my husband has quiet some belief in all these crazy things. What shld I do?:bonk

    P.S. I am currently in US but still I receive orders for all the festivals what to do and what not to do and some other special days (God only knows how so many things are there on their calendar) and my husband too expects me to do everything accordingly. The very thought of me going back to India and staying with them drives me nut :p
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2012
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  2. aries1204

    aries1204 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ,

    Let ur MIL be orthodox , you dont have to change her but just handle it in a different way.

    Since you are in US ,she really is not seeing what you are doing and you can always tell her all the things you did according to her wish and dont mention anything that you did not do.

    As far as coming to your husband wishing the same thing..you can discuss all the things your MIL asks you to do in an exciting way so he will not think you are blindly trying to ignore her wishes but just do what you can and remaining tell him oops ..you forgot or help him to do those stuff by himself .

    next about not touching anything when you have your periods is silly too..infact when I was in collge all of a sudden my mom wanted to follow it and i was like WTH....but since she wanted to believe in it..i used to try to do it..but when she is not around I used to do what I want :) touch everything.Being in US is good thing for you as she cant see you and you can always tell her you are trying to do it but since it is new you forget sometimes etc ..dont say direct NO for things which you can always claim you have done.
     
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  3. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Staying away from them is a blessing. Just say yes to everything and then do what you feel is comfortable. NEVER argue with MIL or justify why you cannot do this and that.

    Regarding your H, how does he expect you to be away from everything during periods when you are staying abroad? I mean, is he willing to let you sit in a corner and handle everything from cooking to cleaning himself for those 3-5 days? Ask him what he wants you to do.

    If your husband expects you to follow MIL's instructions for festivals, just do whatever you can and tell him that you tried your best. Else be honest and let him know that you are not comfortable with this. Getting on the same page with him is best in the long run.

    Most important, since you are staying away, tell MIL that you are following madi aacharam etc. and also her instructions for festivals. She is not going to be able to check on you. When you visit them, just follow what she says for those few days. I used to try to reason with my MIL about all this and ended up getting lectured (though I am a tad orthodox myself but do not follow everything she says) while my cosis very smartly keeps smiling and nodding her head but does not follow anything (she has told me so herself).
     
  4. Socialbee

    Socialbee Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Sheztheone,

    Thanks for the suggestion :) May be you are correct.. there is no point in arguing or reasoning out with my MIL. Its very difficult to change the mindset of the people of some other generation.
    But, I get pissed only when my H too asks me to follow the same. Somehow, I convinced him to talk to his mom about me sitting seperately for 4 days in US , that too being alone, is not going to work out:-D .After all he wanted to escape from all this extra work burden:evil: .But, still the India return and staying together plan scares me. As of now, no plans to return at least for some yrs. Will prepare myself before going back :roll: .
    During festivals, I do most of everything she asks me to do. Sometimes, when I feel very tired of doing these things, I complain to my H that all this is silly but he is always tight mouthed. Never ever says once," you don't have to do it , we will just say we did it". He will only speak truth, Mr. Harishchandra:bang
    God only has to save me :drowning
     
  5. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    this should be discussed with hubby even if u dont find solution for the current problem with hurry..but in general his views must be changed... ask the mutual friends to talk to him about it and subtly make him realize how others are treating their women in the time of periods. make him realize treating women in such manner and demanding to follow all rituals is very uncool and very narrow minded..tell him if he is a cool 21st century guy he should act like one. ofcourse, in a polite manner. you are away from inlaws..this is a grt chance to transform him a broadminded person from a momma bred narrow minded.
     
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  6. virilevisu

    virilevisu Senior IL'ite

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    HI,

    If you do like this.. you are comparing him with others.. then there are bright chances that he will hurt/upset definitely... and even in his circle... they will make fun of him.....even you have to think all about these before you are talking to your husband...

    India is a karmabhoomi.... whatever you do here will reflect you here...if you do good.. if you follow all the rituals... you will get good results...
    the same rule doesn't apply elsewhere in the world. Its only India called as karmabhoomi. First of all we should be proud to be born in India. After that, we have to feel bad again for being born in India to follow all the rituals.. isn't it....

    Even you do yagna or homa outside India... the results will be very very minute.... and the things which are very very minute that you do in India... will have a huge impact on you... that's what a karmabhoomi is....

    Now coming to our Hinduism... really you should be proud to be a Hindu...a set of rules.. thats it...

    Hinduism never forces you to go to temple... never forces you to pray 5 times a day...never forces you to follow strictly...

    even when a muslim is doing namaaz 5 times a day.. you are not blaming him instead you are praising him that he is religious. When a hindu does the same.. you will be the first to blame him that..its ridiculous or barbaric in this 21st century to follow all these rituals....

    so where is the difference? in us or ???????

    I am not a hardcore Hindu.. or something like that.. I am just giving food for thought...

    I agree that its difficult in this busy schedule to follow all these rituals, but atleast you can think a workaround instead of having an aversion to religious things or your MIL or your husband...

    Tips means you can try this logic of karmabhoomi....
     
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  7. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    yes its ridiculous and barbaric to differentiate and make a woman sit in a corner while having periods and FORCE her to do rituals in the name of any religion. PERIOD :bonk Hinduism is a wonderful way to achieve enlightenment and its the only religion which is timeless... but some old sack of potatoes follow superstitiously without the will of getting knowledge about the actual tatwa. so pls dont blame it on hinduism
     
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  8. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    blind faiths? what are they?can believing in god be called as blind faith? for atheists, it is. to each his own. point is u need to assert ur comfort level
     
  9. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Socialbee, I empathize with you, from my heart. Problems are not same but perhaps more ridiculous, in my case. Well the thing is I cannot offer you a solution because I don't have one, but what I have learned is to put up a display of deafness and blindness at times. Oh and my hubby dear, he is western educated and lives like a tru blue American but at times his thinking is more remote than lost tribes of India and Africa. Am perpetually amused..and he and his folks keep me wondering. Put up with it and thank your stars for being away, that's all you can do.
     
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  10. Socialbee

    Socialbee Bronze IL'ite

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    Nice to read ur reply.. perhaps I should try being more cool towards these things like u :)
     

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