They Have Not Changed At All......

I am confused. And I am not in the right frame of mind to analyze my problem. Hence I post it here for your insights, ladies!

My in laws have always been interfering and influencing ever since we decided to marry. Since they were against our inter-religious marriage, they kept my H on a guilt trip for choosing me against all the odds. Due to it, he is indirectly forced to obey them and side by them throughout his life as a remedy. He is naturally a well obedient son, who thinks his parents' curse could smash his life into nothing. So, he does his best to please them.
Since my H has a deep faith in astrology, my PILs use this as his weakness to control him.
Their motto is to prove him and the world that his choice is wrong. He would have lead a better life had he respected his parents. So, they ensure he has no development in his new (married) life at all.

Initially they hardly influenced him against planning a family. It took me 2+ years to finally convince him for a kid. That too half heartedly. He was so worried about the astrological predictions my PILs told him about the new kid.
Once the kid was born, he was not even allowed to see the kid. It took him 10 months to actually be with the kid and myself. In the mean time, I have already gone for a temporary separation because I could not bear this nonsense at all. So, by leaving every faith aside my H chose to unite with us.

Then they interfered and collapsed all our plans when it comes to own our new car, new home. With so much interferences and struggles, I had brought my own car, and built my own house single-handedly. My H was so reluctant to come forward and support (forget about financial support, at least to supervise the builders). Thankfully my mom and bro did fully support me, so with a heavy pregnancy (2nd one) I was able to complete both of my dreams.
My H then supported when it comes to shifting the things and starting the new life in the new house.

Since I went on my own to settle, and put my foot down against all these odds, my H chose to stand by me. Since then he did not block any of my plans citing astrology or vastu as influenced by his parents. But he did not do anything to the family either.
However our life started to stabilize and in laws started to behave normal after this phase.
I thought that they have learnt the lesson. Since they were happily mingling with us voluntarily, I had no problems with them either.

We actually had no significant issues in the past 3 years. They were all good, respected their borders, and helped us whenever we were in need (with kids etc).

Recently my H started to see the need to be the man. He allowed me to take a career break, since we had a pressing need at home. He took care of all the expenses for the family since then. He slowly started to do developments in our lives by buying us (me and dd) gold, saving, insurance etc.. on his own. But I do my part my constantly talking to him about the need for a development etc...

Now that he has agreed to buy the second car. Initially he was very much reluctant, but with my constant pestering, he gave in. We booked the car, and he signed the papers.
He chose to keep in as a secret with his folks. Although my folks knew it all.
One day my son informed MIL that we booked a new car, and dad is buying it.
Since that day MIL stopped visiting us. She cited other reasons like busy, sick etc...

Last week she came since my DD called her. During that visit, she had a discussion with my mom. I was inside the house, and heard the conversation clearly.

My mom: Son (my H) is having anger issue now a days. Perhaps it could be stress, but it is better he checks his cholesterol, BP and sugar levels, as many children has this issue during their mid 30s now a days.
(This is following an heated argument between me and H after a simple matter related to a plant in our garden)

MIL: Yes, he must be having health problems since he often eats out. In my home, we never eat out. I have always given home cooked meals for my kids till they lived with me. Now that they are eating outside food carelessly and being sick at the young age.

Mom: He loves to eat outside, even then we make home cooked food sometimes.
MIL: may be your DD doesn't know how to cook.. Laughs as if it is a joke

Mom: My DD is also stressed and having anger issues now a days. When she was shouting, I;ve told her to stop. Better they both have a medical check up.

MIL: Wives in our families never shout at Hs. We always respect our Hs. Look, I've never said anything against my H. If he asks me to stand outside under the hot son, I would religiously follow him. Same goes with my second DIL (her own niece and it was an arranged marriage. My second co-sis is a house wife). my son (BIL) shouted at her, and asked her to get out of the house if she could not accompany him to a party yesterday, to which she was hesitant to go. But my DIL silently obeyed him and went. This is the beauty of wives. We obey our husbands, and never speak up.

Mom: Now a days, they are like friends, and equal partners. Why should girls obey their H as if they are their boss? You advice your son to keep calm, while I advise my DD to have patience.

MIL: That's why my son suffers now. It is because of my curse. He disrespected me and my wishes to marry your DD. Now he suffers.
He suffers in every aspect. Now that he will understand this.
The moment he disrespected my wish to marry someone of his choice, I've stopped caring for him. I neglected him completely. Why should I advice him now? I will not.

Mom: Don't worry.. My DD is cleaver. She has handled the most toughest husband before. Now that he has changed to be a very loving man. It is not that difficult to handle his new anger issue. She will take care of it.

She left... Its been 3 days since she visited us. She is our neighbor.

I am just connecting the dots.

MIL's venom proved that she is the same. She has just projected a happy face before us for a reason.
She is guilt or upset for the words used; thus she isn't visiting us, not even the kids.
Things much have been stirred up because of the purchase of our new car (the second car). This is in fact a sign of development and an indicator to show the world that we are leading a prosperous life despite of marrying against our parents' choice.
In fact, we are doing better than our BILs.

Earlier all these developments are done by me single-handedly. But now, my H has joined hands with me, and our futures seems prosperous.
Perhaps MIL is boiling inside.

H said that he will respond to her venomous words, and bring her back to cool asap. He agreed that his mom is wrong.
But he too showed serious behavioral changes in the past few weeks since we booked the car.
- He showed extreme anger
- He refused to sign the lease papers
- Cut my plants
- He showed controlling behavior etc

But after one heated argument on this (above mentioned) he is back to normal. In that argument, I clearly told him that he should behave in a respectful manner, else I will report to the Police. That's it. He behaved well. Signed the papers and happy with us as normal.
I doubt MILs constant brain-wash must have influenced him to misbehave this way. He lacks self-control and he is highly influenced by others.

Vent-Over

 

This is the best part of marrying a momma's boy.
Ever since I've understood that he doesn't use his own brain, but someone is influencing, I've also started the same. Just started to be nice and influential. So, in fact he is turning towards me and seeing my point now.

 

I've tried this too. But the thing is MIL is supper lovely before her son. She even showers love on me and says that I am like her elder DD. She showers love on my kids etc.. So, no one ( I mean her immediate family) believes that she is having this other side. But every other person apart from his immediate family knows her venom. She has spited this venom on others about how cruel DIL I am , and how much unlucky her son is, and how badly we are struggling because of the choice of our marriage. Just that, she shows a different face before her son.
She even tells him only astrological reason to stop his developments, not venomous reasons. A tricky fellow. But more importantly her son is so stupid to understand her trick.

 

@SadMarried - The police threat was just an eye wash. He knew it all. But he also knew that I demand for respect and I am capable of calling the police if things don't go smooth. I have called the police at different instances when some abuse happened in our neighbor's family. Not just him, but the whole neighborhood knows that I can call the police or even demand for justice if something bad happens.

He is cool now. But he was angry and showed a very different face (something like furious, not interested, restless etc.. and that's why my mom thought he has health issues) over the past 2-3 weeks. I guess it is because MIL's constant nagging and blame game. She is capable of making him guilt for this car matter. Plus they could very well fool him with the astrological predictions, perhaps through a known pandit. So, no doubt he was behaving weird. To add fuel to the fire, I kept on pestering him to sign the forms and initiate the purchase. So, obviously he was mad at everybody.
But I am glad, I could shake him up with that Police reminder. He is back to normal. Signed the papers, and eagerly looking forward to receive the new car with so much enthusiasm. That's why he was able to listen to my qualm about MIL, and accepted her fault.

All I wanted is to make him stand on his feet. He is so scared even to make any baby steps fearing PILs disapproval. Specially when it comes to our family matters.
The first ever attempt will definitely change his fear; thus his blind faith on his parents and their astrological predictions

 

Thanks so much @guesshoo

IL friends like you are the reason behind my braveness. I was a fool once.

As you suggested, I've completely ignored MIL. I am like as if I did not notice MIL's absence right now. FIL came a few times, but I did not ask him anything about MIL. But just behaved nicely with him.
I told my H the same thing in private, that is "Can you imagine how bland our life would have been if we were that backward". And he said he has never wanted a wife like that.
But he is clueless as to why did he showed a tough face last week as if he wanted to control me.
He accepts his dual personality jokingly though. I thought of ignoring this for once with a warning.