The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it ?

Kamla · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Dear Viswamitra,

What can I say? You seem to give a very deep thought when you word your posts. They are perfect as always and that is what Vijima said when she nominated your feed back (#200) to FP of the month. Thanks to her, I got to read it and am truly impressed by your thoughts and the clarity of your thoughts.

Not just the nominated post, also your reply to Sweetypi gives an insight to the true culture we ladies so wish and long for in our menfolk! You go to prove that it is not lacking in the world. I also admit that one needs two hands to clap and a gentleman should and must be appreciated by a true lady. Keeping that in thought, I see your wife is a fortunate woman and you are also lucky to have a spouse who must have further nurtured your good will!

Congratulations!

L, Kamla

Kamla · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Dear Darmesh,

Sorry to have interrupted the thread! When someone gives a valuable feedback in a thread, it surely needs to be appreciated and that is just what happened when Iyerviji nominated Viswamitra's reply here. I had to acknowledge it.

The thread seems to be the present blockbuster of our site! I sincerely hope that you have received some relevant answers to your initial question. You can just about gauge as to how much animosity the MIL-DIL relationship can arouse amongst everyone, not just the ladies!

In the meantime, I feel the thread is also deviating a bit from its original track?!

I feel compelled to add that the above said relationship is not always one of distrust and unhappiness. At times, and I know for sure, it can be just the best thing that could happen to two women.hugsmiley

Only, when there is hurt, the lady will want to express. How can anyone stop her??!

L, Kamla

Anitap · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Look who keeps showing up at the relationship forum????always nice to have you here.

.Only, when there is hurt, the lady will want to express. How can anyone stop her??!
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You are a sensible one aren't you?

darmesh · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Kamla said: ↑

Dear Darmesh,

The thread seems to be the present blockbuster of our site! I sincerely hope that you have received some relevant answers to your initial question. You can just about gauge as to how much animosity the MIL-DIL relationship can arouse amongst everyone, not just the ladies!

L, Kamla
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'Not just the ladies'. Yes.

There are not many male members here to come and support me when I say, 'Husbands are the worst sufferers of the above said animosity between MIL and DIL'. (People here label the husband as the only one culprit/reason behind the entire genesis of the animosity between the two women. That is another argument. ). At the risk of being castigated again, let me say it again, "Husbands are the worst sufferers of the above said animosity between DIL and MIL".

There are many husbands in my own friends' circle, who do not wish to return home after a long day's work, due to this cold war at home, spending time with friends outside, going home to sleep late in the night, after both the women are asleep.

Kamla said: ↑

Dear Darmesh,

I feel compelled to add that the above said relationship is not always one of distrust and unhappiness. At times, and I know for sure, it can be just the best thing that could happen to two women.

L, Kamla
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There is a blockbuster Hindi movie, "Vicky Donor". If time permits, see it madam. Even if you do not know Hindi, get a DVD with sub-title in English and watch it. It is one of the finest movies I have seen in my life time.

There is a MIL and DIL in this movie, who are both lonely after the main man's death in the house. Both become very good friends. I have personally seen such friendships existing between DIL-MIL in real life also, but they are very few.

Every husband's dream is, to get the friendly combination of MIL-DIL at his home also. Sadly, for many men like me , this remains only as a dream, which will never come true.

satchitananda · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Thanks Darmesh for the reply.

darmesh said: ↑

When we say, the DIL harasses the MIL , we do not refer to the above.

What we refer to is a situation , when the DIL herself gets into late forties, and the MIL becomes very old , infirm, powerless. The power equation of the home ,which was till now in favour of the MIL for decades, is now in favour of the DIL.

Time for revenge, tit for tat. Now the saga of planned and meticulous harassment starts. This is what we referred to, not the one you refer above.

That still does not answer why someone who systematically harassed the young DIL over 20+ years is deserving of sympathy when she gets back in her own coin.

Nor does it answer why so many young dils are branded with unsavoury names and their parents accused of bad upbringing and various things when the ILs do not get what they demand from the dil or her parents, be it her docility or the dowry they expected from her parents. It does not answer why everything such a dil does can only be wrong and hence causing great "unhappiness and harassment" of the ILs. Oh wait! Why am I even asking. You will probably just deny outright that this ever happens.

Good that you are agreeing that the phenomenon does exist.

Of course I do. I am neither blind, nor a coward to deny realities.
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I would certainly appreciate hearing what you think about the other side of the coin.

sweetypi · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

darmesh said: ↑

+ whether the situation could have been avoided if the MIL had treated her DIL decently at the onset ?
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satchitananda · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Silence is golden. Mod, pl delete post.

persecutedDIL · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

darmesh said: ↑

There are many husbands in my own friends' circle, who do not wish to return home after a long day's work, due to this cold war at home, spending time with friends outside, going home to sleep late in the night, after both the women are asleep.
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I wish women could be so selfish as to wish something like that. Ah, they still have to return back home despite the impending cold war because of their kids. Do men really think of kids in such scenarios ? I would doubt that.

darmesh said: ↑

There is a MIL and DIL in this movie, who are both lonely after the main man's death in the house. Both become very good friends. I have personally seen such friendships existing between DIL-MIL in real life also, but they are very few.

Every husband's dream is, to get the friendly combination of MIL-DIL at his home also. Sadly, for many men like me , this remains only as a dream, which will never come true.
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Ah, the dream of a husband.

Now don't get me started on the unfulfilled dream of a wife.

A wife does not even get to stay with her Mom/Dad together with her hubby. And here, the husband gets to stay both with his wife and mother (is this not sufficient that you are greedy for more ?) but still has umpteen dreams. What a wistful thinking it is!

Since you are the one who wants both wife and mother in the same house, the onus of making things comfortable between the two lies on you. What value have you really added ? What difference have you really made in their living that both wouldn't bear animosity against each other ? Your inveterate belief that there is something innately wrong in the wife (you seem biased towards that line of thought) seems to be an easy way to shirk off your own responsibilities.

There is a concept of "locus of control". Your locus of control is external to you and internal to the two women, for all MIL-DIL conflicts thus exculpating you from everything. If that were the case, men always had the choice of not marrying such a kind of woman and thus this could have been prevented. But why has it become a universal phenomenon ? There must be something universal about it, right ?

Why sonny boys like you do not marry their mother's choice of a girl shall remain the perennial enigma for me.

And don't get us started on 'every wife's dreams' , OP!

darmesh · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

satchitananda said: ↑

Thanks Darmesh for the reply.
I would certainly appreciate hearing what you think about the other side of the coin.
That still does not answer why someone who systematically harassed the young DIL over 20+ years is deserving of sympathy when she gets back in her own coin.
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Hi Satchitananda,

Thanks for getting back to me. MIL systematically harassing the DIL and after 20 years the DIL settling her scores with the MIL, both the acts do not deserve sympathy.

Both are equally cruel, inhuman acts.

satchitananda said: ↑

Thanks Darmesh for the reply.
I would certainly appreciate hearing what you think about the other side of the coin.

Nor does it answer why so many young dils are branded with unsavoury names and their parents accused of bad upbringing and various things when the ILs do not get what they demand from the dil or her parents, be it her docility or the dowry they expected from her parents. It does not answer why everything such a dil does can only be wrong and hence causing great "unhappiness and harassment" of the ILs. Oh wait! Why am I even asking. You will probably just deny outright that this ever happens.
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No. I do not deny anything. The MIL harassing the DIL is the incident, that takes place first (this is what I have been saying in my earlier post), then comes the act of revenge from the DIL.

So, where do I deny that the MIL harasses the DIL ?

My simple point, the coin has both the sides.

satchitananda · Jan 13, 2014

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

But then the sympathy for the mil who has started out the problem seems inexplicable to me. Old age does not spring on anyone as a surprise out of the blue. Everyone knows they will get old, everyone knows they will need help, so if they still behave nasty and get back what they asked for, what is so surprising or cruel about it? Simple law of Karma. Even God cannot escape that as has been proved by his Krishna and Rama avatars. So no one except a stupid person would expect to be immune from her actions on the plea of old age if she chooses to harass a young girl who has come into her house. Besides the dil is only human. She is not an angel; she has feelings and emotions of her own. Why is she expected to be the more magnanimous person who is supposed to be kind to a wicked old woman while the old woman who hurt for no reason or rhyme is free from any consequences of her actions? No one can beat the law of nature.

In recent times, many Nazi officers have been sentenced to severe punishments for their actions in the 1940s. Are you saying that these officers who are now in their 70s and 80s should be let off for their crimes against humanity just because they are old? If they shouldn't, how is the mil's harassment of a young woman and landing her in a spot I would not want my enemy to be in any different or forgivable?