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The Angry Husband, When In-laws Are Around..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Is not turning a deaf ear not working out? Like getting distracted by the phone and not paying attention? If it’s repeated over and over again, that shows their anxiety. It’s annoying to hear but know that whatever you are doing is causing the reaction, so it’s probably working. Responding to it is the best way to make them feel important, try to move away, go to the loo, look at the phone, put on headphones and “study” etc.
     
  2. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    She has interest, energy and time for it.. to piss you off and drag you into the shite. Its a common age old tactic.
    The question is... if you have energy interest and time for it for the rest of your life. You need calm, more than the job. Some kind of solace that you can keep yourself 'ok'. You might be tempted to find it in 'preparing for a job' but it dosn't seem to work. Try others like hobbies or just taking walks in fresh air.
    Once you have something to rely on for solace, you can now focus on the goals one by one.

    If your battle is to make her/him realise that she/he is wrong... you are losing the battle.
    Its 'self' worth not 'approved' worth.

    First things first.... are you ready to step out of the mind garbage that your H or MIL is forcing you to buy?
     
    MindVoice, Caughtinbetween and radv like this.
  3. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Silver IL'ite

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    Job ... no job... I wont emphasise it much. I just want toy to know what I think about your post because I am in a difficult spot too.

    'Working together' happens when two persons see an issue with equal priority. Some people here are very lucky to get husbands who have same priorities as their wives or at least understand how important somethings are to their wives, those people can hope to work together.

    Me and my husband priorities are different and he dosn't think my issues are serious enuf to even ponder on them for 5 min. I just cant get him to work together with me. He will only work towards what he prioritises.

    In that case, the other spouse does not have any choice but to work alone. If I keep expecting that my husband would solve issues for me because I am married to him, I will die one day without my issues being solved. Its either me or no one.

    Don't expect... just tell yourself that you are solely responsible for your issues and happiness.

    I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do...but I have to. If you take responsibility, you will do something about it because you know that its in your hands.

    Good luck :)
     
    MindVoice, KashmirFlower and Roar like this.
  4. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Things are very bad and H is behaving outrageously. Lot of game playing n manipulation and controlling to get me in line. They just did a major act (like in a drama or play) and returned something I’d purchased recently bcos I’d dared to get it without seeking their permission, approval / consent.
    I’m tired. I’m feeling exhausted by all the u did this so I’m gonna do this. Its draining me and I’m constantly stressed about what they will do next and what I should do then. I am feeling severe anxiety just in their presence (even when nothing is happening) bcos my mind is watching out for the next slight.
    I just want to be happy no matter what they do. I’m thinking of just keeping my distance and going about my stuff and ignoring them even when they abuse me (no retaliation no response just keep going on) eg. do things without telling me cut me out etc..
    I don’t want to be so stressed all the time and concentrate on my work. Right now I get too agitated to work in their presence!!!!!!!

    Is this a wrong step?
     
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    You are ready to invest in them , in all their drama and their 'next steps'... and they know it. They will do it as if life their life depends on it because they know they will win. Because this victory matters to them.

    Pick a different battle that you can win. Else, this is just the beginning of the rabbit hole, it is only going to get worse. Be ready to experience 100x of the stress as it ain't going to stop if none of you are backing off for a better cause.

    I think- The concept of ones mind being separate from ones precious I will help. If you don't get what I am saying.. read Ekhart Tolle. If you think that wont work, and its too spiritual sounding ( its not but anyway); find what would make you at peace in the chaos, everyone has got that one thing. No one can suggest that to you as we are not you.

    Good luck.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Practice detachment from your DH temporarily till your in-laws are here . Rise above the challenges. Don’t fall prey to their drama . They want you to invest your time and energy on them so you will always under their control .
    You seem to be very intelligent person . You are almost there . Just some more patience and focus on getting job you will see different world . You will have more options to decide your future . Right now your options are very limited . I hope you understand the trap laid by DH and ILs and focus your time on finding job .
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Sorry OP, you fell into their trap again. If you dont like it , returning is OK. Was it something for everyone or only you ?If it was for every one/family you should have asked their opinion. If its was only for you, you should have stick with your decision. In that case, if you really liked it, why did you return it. You should have taken a stand that you like it, so not going to return it. Its doesn't matter if other s like it or not as it was for you. Its your choice and they have to respect it.

    OP , you need to accept it that you cannot change them or their drama. Take a break from this relationship emotionally. I think your expectations are killing you. If your dh is ok other wise, sleep by hugging him as if nothing happened. It will maintain your connection. Your MIL cannot enter that department. If your MIL is the problem, ignore her to the core as if she dont exist.

    If you think emotionally detaching will help you, focus on your job, talk minimum , enjoy with you kids or do something to entertain yourself. If you think going to a nearby library help (many of my friends do that to get focus) , try that to prepare for your job. Leave kid with MIL and go. You will be away from the atmosphere. Let them do what they want. Be happy or pretend happy as if they cannot make you down. Smile as much you can , sometimes even faking create some positive effect. Anyway, happiness should come from within. So ignore these drama's and focus on your own life. Its not easy, but you can do it. Never ever give up on your goals and your life. Be a fighter.
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Could you please clarify? What other battle can I pick that I can win? U mean change my attention to something I can achieve?? What better cause?

    @mangaii U r absolutely right, I KNOW I must do this, this is the only way out. Struggling very badly. Feel ashamed it is thus.

    @DDream U r always wise. I appreciate your fair viewpoint. I did not think of it that way - the object was home related but I was going to be the primary user and it was supposed to make my life easier ie give me more time. I'd like to come back to this and talk about it later, I think there is something to be learned on how to handle some things.

    Right now, its full on abuse. They act nice to me when I 'asked' them something, and continue disregarding me in every respect as usual. The double standards were insisted upon - I must tell them (aka get their nod) before buying anything, or doing anything (eg. for job) because it is sharing, it is respect for elders etc. And then they continue to make their own purchases, their own plans - no sharing necessary here.
    The actions are so back to back, I am running out of ways to deal with it assertively. Completely walking away from them seems to be the only way to keep my sanity and try to salvage whatever energy I can towards my job.
    To not raise anything with them seems like... letting them do what they want, yeah mistreat me go on.
    But I don't have anything else to give back, its draining the life out of me the anger and the helplessness the stuckness... may as well get into a shell and try to work on something that may truly help.
    Not that that is easy either... It is very difficult to digest the disrespect and double standards. I've lost the energy to even stand up and fight back because the onslaught is not stopping, and fighting everyday I am the one losing out on precious time.
    I feel so danged I am unable to even act happy. Right now I am just running away from their presence, away from any room they are in.. even letting LO be plopped in front of TV for hours.
    I'm extremely scared that I am going to lose a chance at an important window of opportunity here in all this mess I am entangled in and cannot get out of...a quicksand..
     
  9. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Nothing will change unless you develop a thick skin. List your priorities like what do you want job, financial independence, etc and work towards it.
    And if the thing you bought was making your life easier then why did you return it. You should have stuck to your decision and not return. Unless you become bold they will ride over you. You give in every time why not once say I don't want to return it that's all. Why do you bow to them every time?

    When you are sad binge watching comedy series or movies will bring joy. Try that. And put yourself first.
     
  10. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Also just a suggestion have you ever thought of moving back to India instead of living like this here alone without any support system, atleast there you have your support system. If I were you, I would have left with my child to India for a vacation ,never to come back and found job there and would have asked husband to come there itself if he wanted the marriage, so atleast he would have known there you can walk out if he doesn't treat you well. Here you have no choice but put up with this. I am not sure how valid this suggestion for you, but you have only one life so decide whether you want to live like this forever.
     

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