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The Angry Husband, When In-laws Are Around..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    When your husband lashes out at you in irritation, says something very hurting and then refuses to apologise for it and says past is past let's just move on...
    Started only now - but almost every single day - for a week now..
    And you are already keeping to yourself and not engaging(since the first episode of this season), and still get lashed at just because you happened to be there - (he is venting his frustration or directs his anger at me when his parents scold him)

    What would be an appropriate way to respond?
    (Relationship is in-laws dependent: nice when they're not around, different when they are.)

    * Tell him firmly that was not okay later : he just gives the above response, no apology. (He had started apologising for angry outbursts in their absence). {No use}
    * Walk away when he throws the tantrum : already doing that. still happening. Worse, H and IL and LO patch up, and the accidental casualty (me) still gets bristled at - though I did nothing?!
    * Fight back - won't work, as MIL is waiting to interfere and create a big fight between us. We already had a couple of public fights because of him (he started shouting at me, and I gave back) and it stopped when poor LO started crying. (I am really ashamed of this, but that's what happened.)

    Need to brainstorm, please help!

    Looking at it from the other side, I have a feeling that H is struggling to cope with his parents demands of following what they say vs our practices, and struggling to keep me included while he reveres his parents.
    He knows, he is trying, maybe he needs a little help? What can I do to improve the situation while retaining my dignity and respect?
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Nothing has changed and nothing will change, until you decide that you will not allow anyone to be disrespectful.
    Your husband can get away with his tantrums, because there are no consequences.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Till the time he’s scared of ‘your reaction’ to his outbursts, he won’t stop. It’s happening because he sees you as the easiest / weakest target.

    you can try having a heart to heart n say let’s go through this together. Say everything supportive n assure him. Try this way.

    If it still doesn’t work, then you can threaten to go to your parents house or anywhere n leave right the next second he does this. Basically you have to make him believe that you are not gona take it, he needs to be more scared of your reaction than his parents.
     
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't think he needs your help, he will think you are too understanding type and verbal abuse more.
    To improve situation, there should be some consequences for everybody in the home whenever you are taken for granted. Make it difficult for him, no fresh dinner, leftovers, mil has to do dishes etc for days..

    Main thing, show them that you are not affected, it is his problem if he is angry, and you enjoy your life, if you show you scared/or sad then he will do more.
     
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you think your hubby is generally good and supportive, especially in the absence of ILs?
    And no physical abuses ?

    Then my advice would be different than what others have advised.
    Think long term- do you want to win the battles or the war ?

    You can try to force your man submit to you or you can make him want to submit to you. In the first, you are playing one against the other, it has a winner and a loser
    The latter has one team. If you win, both win - but takes time and patience and controlling your ego, and so is much harder.

    You want to win the war, you need strategy
    Be the supportive spouse, be patient, use a little guile. ILs will eventually frustrate your hubby enough for him to make a stand.
    About the guile, like in your privacy let him know you are one team. You were so hurt but you understand his frustrations. A big sad sigh you know. Show to him you are trying. Teach him how to handle ILs gently . Make him feel like a man in control.
    You be the supportive partner. Let go the small things. Focus on long term/higher impact things, there you stand your ground.

    Oh, just a story below - but it wasnt gentleness- it was cleverness , understanding the man and his behaviour and making the situation such that he does the exactly what you want but delivered it gently - and that my dear is wisdom.

    The North Wind and The Sun
    The North Wind boasted of great strength. The Sun argued that there was great power in gentleness.

    Let's have a contest," said the Wind.

    Far below, a man traveled a winding road. He was wearing a warm winter coat.

    "As a test of strength," said the Sun, "Let us see which of us can take the coat off of that man."

    "It will be quite simple for me to force him to remove his coat," bragged the Wind.

    The Wind blew so hard, the birds clung to the trees. The world was filled with dust and leaves. But the harder the wind blew down the road, the tighter the shivering man clung to his coat.

    Then, the Sun came out from behind a cloud. Sun warmed the air and the frosty ground. The man on the road unbuttoned his coat.

    The sun grew slowly brighter and brighter.

    Soon the man felt so hot, he took off his coat and sat down in a shady spot.

    "How did you do that?" said the Wind.

    "It was easy," said the Sun, "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2019
    balasri, VinuthaS, hermitcrab and 7 others like this.
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Well done Sun-Pa !
    Clone that kind of mindset and put that into every auntiji who pulls aside a new bride to foist some advice for a life at the in-Law's.
     
    startinganew and Rihana like this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Good to see some positives in your posts- "He had started apologising for angry outbursts in their absence" "struggling to keep me included while he reveres his parents" - if he do, reward him :)
    "H and IL and LO patch up, and the accidental casualty (me) still gets bristled at " -if you cannot beat them, join them . Negativity can be eliminated only by positivity.

    Look like he has some 'identity crisis' that lead to very immature and childish behavior. When he is with parents, he became their son and treat you like an intruder and when he is with you , away from parents, he behaves like your dh. May be he is helpless and have no control over this situation. The power of blood relationship.

    When his parents are not here,- try your best to strengthen your bond, win his heart, kill him with love, kindness and affection. He should feel that you love him very much and supports his positives. He should get the feeling that you trust and believe him. Convey to him in an affectionate way without blaming how much he hurt you by his behavior of disrespecting you infront of others.

    If you want to improve the situation, be mature, understanding in your thinking and fine tune your response. Its not easy to change others. Give him space and allow him to be with his parents as much he wants when they are here. You need to find ways to make you engaged. But utilize the rest of the time to assure him, love without expectations, make up with more intimacy (important). Be cool and not be insecure by the presence of MIL there. When parents are here, don't hide in a cave, behave as normal as possible, try to move along with them, may be that will help your dh too.

    "he is venting his frustration or directs his anger at me when his parents scold him" - is it when they are here or away, If you know anything of that sort happens, leave the scene....If you cannot, completely ignore or look at him with a blank face or even you can smile (based on what works for you). As you are not the reason, don't take this to your heart and make you miserable. Once he cools down you can be empathetic to him and convey your displeasure. But always appreciate and emphasis his good behavior and reward him like you do with kids.

    But if he disrespect you , you have to be assertive and tell him (only when he calm and you too, your own space) that its unacceptable. You don't like it. Repeat it each time. Give some consequences. Be assertive. dont let anyone to mistreat you.

    "Fight back" -When one is angry , fighting back will elevate the situation to another level. Never do in front of others including PILS. If you want you can do in your private space (ask him can I talk for moment and take him to another place and convey the message ). Everyone will have a tendency to blame you. So convey whatever you want later-based on the situation. Same with others including PILS. Everyone should respect others. If MIL treat you bad, ignore her to the core for few days. But in front of dh, treat PILS well. Complaining about them will not help. Always talk only positives if you can. You need to be smart and have lot of patience to deal with this situation.
     
  8. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    There are 2 kinds of suggestions here...there is potential in both. The question I got is why a bunch of people get to throw tantrums left right and centre and another bunch is responsible for calming them down gently.

    The gentleness is two way street. Giving strength to each other and moving forward. Giving strength when one of them is worn off and getting strength from other person when you need it. TWO WAY.

    Op, like others have said, IF he is a good guy in all other aspects than turning into a toddlers around his parents, consider care.

    The sun analogy was good. Although did not force to take the coat of, the sun held the affiramtion of being what it was... hot.
     
    MindVoice and SinghManisha like this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Now you are rationalizing abuse and finding excuses for your jekyll and hyde.
    In turn you are being asked to bear the abuse and be more empathatic to the abuser and do it without feeling bad and with a smile ?

    What kind of dilemma is he facing?
    What is the drastic change his parents expect from him that other mummas boys don't have to face.
    This is very common behavior of Indian men and his parents....except your husband has taken it to extremes where it can be called spousal abuse.

    Op your husband knows his parents enjoy him behaving badly with his wife. It gives them assurance and he is using bashing you to keep them happy.

    He also knows he has good 6 months to get you back before he can start the abuse cycle to make his parents happy once again in a new year.

    Reminds me of the sacrificial goat for Eid. It is fattened up to be sacrificed .

    You can continue to live this rollercoaster ride or seek a counsellor who will tell you whether you need to empathize with this abuser or report him.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2019
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Show him empathy op.
    Tell him you understand that his parents presence brings out the beast in him so he should take away the source and skip the yearly visits by them. Keep them away for 4 -5 years and see if the monster in him can be controlled for longer.


    If this is also not an option ,then he should make arrangement for a seperate living arrangement for you for 6 months.

    If that is not the option then he can learn to behave properly even in their presence. May be he can get them some other source of entertainment. A few more Indian channels and a few stress balls to hold.

    Make it difficult for him to abuse you instead of rewarding him for the abuse.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2019

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