The Anatomy Of An Indian Marriage!

Varloo · Dec 29, 2005

The Anatomy of an Indian Marriage

Dear Varalotti,
Only today I read your article. It is really very nice analysis. I also read the experiences of other people, Vidya's was really testing one. I think that by sharing our experiences, even personal ones, we get to know the ways of the inevitable FATE which plays with everyone's life. That is how I feel.
I would like to say that mine and the life of my other 6 siblings', except one, is full of such adjustments. We sisters are adjusting to our respective husbands and my SIL is adjusting to my brother. One thing I feel is the soothing thing is the presence of a child. But in some cases even that does not help.
My close friend had an arranged marriage. Her husband was in a good job and she also worked in a bank. She is a beautiful person, a very good cook and a very efficient cook and home maker. But her husband resigned his job and created all kinds of problems for her. Even when her people supported her, she adjusted to the maximum for the sake of her 2 sons. But she was thrown out of the house. She went off to her place. that fellow got married immediately, had a daughter. He died when that child was only 8 months old. Now my friend is living with her grown up sons happily. She had brought up her sons to be independent and she has also maintained her privacy well. We all suggested that she start her life again, but she said she was happy as it is.
Varloo

varalotti · Dec 29, 2005

Thanks Varloo For Sharing Your Views!

I am both happy and sad. Happy because my thread inspired so many people to write so many things and thus bring out the real pearls of wisdom hidden deep with experiences, bitter and sweet. And sad because I have triggered the sad experiences of so many people. I too agree, Vidhya's was the most testing marriage and that probably made her and her husband most mature to deal with problems. At times I am forced to think that you should get into problems pretty early in life, whether it is marital or financial. You have all the energy to solve them and once solved, you get the resultant wisdom as a bonus, which really helps when you grow old.
Coming to your friend, I am sure, every one of us has a friend or relative like that. There are two points which I want to repeat again and again. Marriage like any other human relationship is a question of compromises and adjustments. But somehow somewhere we should draw a clear, bold line - the sacred Lakshman Reka into which we should not allow our spouse to pass. Infidelity and cruelty is something nobody should put up with. Barring extremes small adjustments here and there are a part and parcel of married life. They are the oil and grease which lubricate the wheels of any relationship, and more so marriage.
varalotti

Vidya24 · Dec 29, 2005

The Happiness Mantra

Hello all,

Interesting to read your responses. Varalotti, thanks for your kind words of appreciation. However, as you said, 'we did not find happiness at last'. We found happiness right from the beginning since we made our own happiness. We were lucky that we always fought against circumstances and malfide wishers rather than between ourselves. And in all the troubles we went thru, there was a core of togetherness and happiness.

And in the end, that is all that matters isn't it? When two people love and respect each other, no one or nothing can beat them. The universe is for them to take.

best regards
Vidya

Sakhi · Dec 29, 2005

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varalotti · Dec 29, 2005

A Silly Question, Vidya!

You have said that Ramji is among your top two most favourite men's names. I would like to know what other name is there on the top along with Ramji's?
sridhar

Vidya24 · Dec 29, 2005

father's name

Hello Sridar,

My top most favourite name is my father's name.
cheers
Vidya

prathi · Jan 17, 2006

My heart shrunk!!!!

Shridhar,

I may be too late to join in. I just could not stop myself from expressing some thoughts.

My heart shrunk as i read this piece. It may be true but very heart rending. All the dreams of a divine marriage and a lifetime of togetherness seem to remain dreams. Your statistics about Indian marriages surely will dishearten the yet-to-be-married or the newly weds. Sadly, your analysis is not a fiction.

The whole analysis was like a dark cloud. But the last paragraph gave a silver lining and after readin that, i dare to dream that me and my hubby as being a part of the 3% of marriages that make it to the silver lining or that blissful stage of togetherness in all its sense.

Thanks for yet another thought provoking article.

varalotti · Jan 19, 2006

Prathi, I'm sorry I made you sad!

Yes, Prathi, it was a heavy piece. And surely it is not fiction. Even while writing it I felt the heaviness in heart and a lump in my throat.
You said rightly that after reading such a piece youngsters may think twice before they decide to marry. But that was what I wanted. Now many people approach marriage very lightly. The amount of time they spend planning for the wedding, my God! Not even one-hundredth of it is spent in preparing for the marriage.
One advantage of a heart-rending article like this is that even if you do not fall in the 3% but fall only in the 97%, you can still become aware of your condition. You will know where you stand and what went wrong. Realising one's ignorance is the first step towards wisdom. Once you take that first step then you can work hard on the marriage so that you rise up to the 3%.
I am very sorry for taking so much time to reply to your response. Unfortunately I did not have email notification of your reply. I just saw the thread accidentally today, saw your name and then posted the reply.
regards,
sridhar

purnima_2k · Feb 28, 2006

Sets me thinking!

Dear Varalotti( i will no more call you sir ),

your article was very good and for the first time it set me thinking! I recollected the three years of my marital life now. Life is OK.. of course a little bit of ups and down s is always there in every relationships. We apply three formulas which we said we would apply it throughout our lives, we have been applying it for 3 years now with good results. Thought i would share them with all these wonderful ladies ( cos it is tips more for ladies ) here in IL

1) First year of marriage is very important -- Ladies give in 80% . For ALL small things give in fully. For instance if your husband wants to watch English movie and you want to wath Tamil, say "OK dear i want to watch Tamil, but noproblem if you like we can watch English"

This works magic, when you let go of all the small things in the first year of marriage , his impression on you will be very high and the second year onwards you will have your say ! In Tamil there is a saying "Chinna meena pottu peria meena pidikanum" Guys it is true and it works miracles!

2) Solve all the problem before EOD( End of Day). Howver small or big the problem is, NEVER carry forward any negative thought or action to the next day. Everyday you need to get up with a clear mind and a smile. That is very important. Even if it takes upto 3 or 4 in the morning its OK,, finish talking, arrive at a consensus and then sleep! That also gives very good results

3) The last but not the least tip is Effective communication.Communicate all ur thoughts. I am again using the word "COMMUNICATE" and not "Complain", especially in sensitive topics regarding MILS, FILS, Father , mother etc etc... Even if you feel slightly bad about anything, just find a time when he is relaxed and willing to listen and tell him slowly!

Hope these tips are useful to all of them!

And Varalotti, you rock!

Regards,
Purnima

varalotti · Feb 28, 2006

Nice Words, Purnima!

Purnima,
within 3 years of marriage you have started talking like an experienced marriage counsellor. You have thrown good tips for all of us.
And thanks for the nice words you always have about my writing. Please don't think I am dragging you to each one of my threads. But somehow I feel like a tourist-guide showing you around in this wonderful site. And like a typical guide I have my own selfish interests as well! ha ha ha!
Now that we are finished with the affair, the mil problem and the anatomy, the next place to visit is the Time and Tide thread in the same forum which is again a real story.
If you don't feel too much bored please do visit it and let me have your views.
regards,
varalotti