Super confused

kafka86 · Oct 30, 2013

Hi
This is my first post here, I am south Asian chic who has lived in US for more than 10 years and have had an American ex husband and is divorced. I was a student when I got married to my ex husband and never did I apply for citizenship or green card. . After my divorce, I had a rebound, who was a Bulgarian American citizen and his parents were pretty racist calling me gypsy or concubine. Well it was just a rebound, so I didn’t really care. I came back home for a vacation and my parents being traditional and all have found a match- something sort of an arranged marriage set up. I haven’t met this guy. He is going to come down during thanksgiving break to get married. Everything was going great with the guy my parents desired me to be with- we were kinda doing virtual long distance relationship., until the rebound Bulgarian shows up and says he will file for my fiancée visa.

I am super confused. I am pissed with the Bulgarian guy for putting me through this dilemma of choosing one guy. When I clearly broke up with him.

Pros of the Bulgarian guy-
Great guy, made me feel safe, great sex, great comfort. Took care of me like princess
Cons- NO solid job, gets influenced by his parents easily, not social, smokes pot, deals with lot of inferiority complex.

Pros of the guy my parents want me to be with
Great job, same cultural background, same language,
Cons- leans on his sister and mother for support, talks a lot about his ex wife and his rebound chic, has a temper, his parents and family have already judged me for marrying an American and being not good enough for their son.

I just feel so confused that I am ready to walk away from both the men.

Please give me your perspective on what you would if you were in my shoes.

rose8282 · Oct 30, 2013

If I were you, I would pick none.
No to the Bulgarian guy as he has no solid job unless this is a temporary thing and he is otherwise career oriented. Smokes pot is another no for me. Influenced by parents factor is still ok if he is flexible to work with you.
No to the other guy as his family feels he deserves better than you, you want to go into a family where you are welcomed into...not like this. Unless of course, they live far far away and your would be supports you more than them. (Which I think is not possible here)

kafka86 · Oct 30, 2013

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate it. The arranged marriage guy's parents live in India. And i did discuss this issue of being seen as inferior to him by his family. He assured that he would never make me feel that way and he will stand by me whatever may happen. Although he assures me that he will not make me feel, he is not the alpha male who takes dicission and has that not care attidtude his parents! That kinda really pushes me over the edge, that he will never stand by me. Whatever the situation may arise.

I may be wrong too.. As i haven't been with indian men. Please correct me or share your opinion.

Well the pressure of getting married in indian society is just over the moon. And coming on a vacation and being in late 20s makes my parents feel that its ok for them to push me.

and on top of it i hear all the advice, how women adjust to what men consider their right.

Thanks once again for replying. Thought my problem was dumb enough not to be considered seriously to be replied.

kafka86 · Oct 30, 2013

PS- not going to be in India for long. Till December. The guy is a techie works in US and i hear such valiant rumors that techies cheat easily and have high stressful life.

Ansuya · Oct 31, 2013

kafka86 said: ↑

I just feel so confused that I am ready to walk away from both the men.
Click to expand...

This is what you should be paying attention to. I don't know anyone who solved their personal problems by getting married. I know you are getting a lot of pressure from family to "undo" your messy past by jumping straight into another relationship (and not just any relationship - you know from experience that even good marriages are not a walk in the park).

But it would do you a world of good to spend some time by yourself, getting to know yourself, and thus figuring out what it is you need and want from, and have to offer in, a relationship. So, if you can ward off the "well-wishers" who think that marriage will solve your problems (or maybe it is just solving their problems with you), you should definitely put everything on hold.

P.S. As a side note, and this is kind of personal, but I hope you won't be offended - it sounds to me like you can do much, much better than the Bulgarian or the Indian. To start off with so many negatives cannot bode well for any kind of permanent relationship. Neither domineering/destructive family is going to go away, and if you have to talk yourself into any relationship, it's a clear sign that you're already in trouble.

P.P.S. I'm not sure that stereotypes like "techies cheat easily" are going to help you in any way. Your techie might be a wonderful, stand-up guy, or he might be a dirty rotten scoundrel. In an arranged marriage, it's not always possible to know this right from the start (depending on how good of an actor the person is). If you do want to continue a relationship with this person, you might want to get to know him better before you jump into marriage. This is especially important for you, because you seem to have been living a very different lifestyle than the one your parents condone.

JGVR · Oct 31, 2013

your intuition is right.stay away from both the guys.ask your parents to look for another guy or you look yourself.

sweetypi · Oct 31, 2013

kafka86 said: ↑

Hi
I just feel so confused that I am ready to walk away from both the men.
Click to expand...

:exactly:You are correct. Run away from both !!

Laks09 · Oct 31, 2013

rose8282 said: ↑

If I were you, I would pick none.
Click to expand...

^^^^This. Don't compromise just because you have to! The right guy will come along eventually and even if he does not, at least you are not going to be in a messy relationship. No matter what your parents say, you are the one living in the marriage so even if you have an iota of doubt, don't get into it.