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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Chaitanyab, Jan 23, 2012.

  1. Chaitanyab

    Chaitanyab New IL'ite

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    We got married in mar 2011.It was an arraged marraige got fixed in dec end and married in mar.
    My wife said ,we will wait for 2-4 months as she was not comfortable with sex.
    Then she came to US in july.I came to US in the month of september.I am not sure still She is not comfortable or not intertested.
    Every day she was tring to tell some excuse and sleeping.She doesn't even kiss me till now.If i kiss her she is resisting me saying that
    she is getting pimples on her face and getting some rashes.Please advice me how to proceed with her.
     
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  2. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    Talk to her and see if she likes you and happy with the marriage in general. Check if there is any reason why she is not comfortable with sex. If there is an underlying reason like any unpleasant incidence during childhood, being scared of pain, etc. then you might want to try counselling.

    If no such issues then try no expectation cuddles...for example give her a kiss in the day time before going somewhere...let her get used to you. If you try kissing her in the night she might think that you're expecting more, this might put her off if she is not ready to take it to the next level. Go out with her, enjoy a coffee together, hold hands, walk together, cuddle together in the sofa...let things progress naturally. Hope this helps!
     
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  3. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    SR is right. It might take her some time to warm up to this new stuff. Besides you are going to be there together, without any interference..so work it out slowly. Talking to her will definitely help. After that if it seems like the problem could be something deeper try suggest couples counselling.
     
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  4. Chaitanyab

    Chaitanyab New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the replies.

    1.She said during week days she won't accept sex(telling tomorrow have to go to office ),she allows me to do that in week ends.That to she won't do anything just she sleeps(closed her eyes),i only have to do.It is like doing sex with dead body.If i ask to do some thing,she said she grown up in respectful family she won't do all these.

    2.When we were in India,one day i was serious on this issue.the next day she asked me to take an appointment with marraige counseller (she was in a feeling that i am not the perfect man.if i talk something about sex she assumes me in her mind that this guy is a bad guy).
    Counseller said clearly on that day to my wife that there is no wrong in that.Asked us to consult with doctor if there is problem in her.Then wife my said she was comfortable these days doing sex to her ,but I didn't see that she is actively participating in sex.
    Counseller asked my wife did your parents or frds told about first night or not?
    she said no.Finally counseller told my wife " you have to change 100% ".
    3.When we had an argument again in USA,She said counseller was wrong.

    She is very much interested in career ,not in personal life.
     
  5. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Either she has had a lot of misinformation or there are other underlying reasons. Have you seen a counselor in your current city of residence? I doubt such a head on approach from the previous counselor would have helped. Career life is predictable and in her control...maybe the reason why she is uses that as her reason. Be patient and do find a way to help her.
     
  6. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I'd suggest you seek help in the city you are in now. Counselling is not a one time thing to just identify a problem.
    You might need repeated sessions to draw out the person and really find what lies beneath. You could try sessions together and separately if she prefers. She might open up better when you aren't around. Please don't take it the wrong way. But it might help you sort things out better. If she has her own closet to clean out, she could sort it out first.
     
  7. Butterfly6

    Butterfly6 New IL'ite

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    The two of you will have to spend more time with each other like watch movies together, go out shopping, go to reastaurants, find out more about her interests in life. Most likely she may need some time to open up with you in respects to sex. If you both are doing all these things that i have mentioned, then you need to find out if she was in a relationship before the two you got married.

    Don't make her feel pressured to have sex with you, she might completeley shut herself off. Sounds like she is doing it just for the sake of doing it. Since you both are newly married the two of you should be enjoying. Do kiss her in the morning before you leave for work and then after you come home you can kiss, hug, cuddle each other... just like SallyR suggested. When you kiss her in the night, she may fear that you want to have sex with her and refuse to even kiss you.

    See how things progress with her, if you don't see any progress then she may need repeated sessions of counselling.
     
  8. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    ask her to talk about sex to her family member like mom or someone with whom she is close.ask her to ask all about her fears and inhibitions.i guess there is something called love missing between you guys.do not initiate sex for sometime.be nice to her and see how she reacts.
     
  9. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Just to give you a small heads-up about one small thing, as a woman.
    Assuming its a simple intimacy issue based on what the previous counsellor said obviously was not something that she is willing to accept. Maybe there's something else there. So don't talk about what it could be. If everything else between you and her were going fine, this would be easy. If you think she is not settling in any way, you could suggest the counselling to get this relationship to go further in a personal level too.
    If I were in her shoes, I would get bored and tired of listening to be branded that THAT is my problem. It could be anything else, she's just not been able to come out with it YET.
     
  10. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    First stop having sex with her when she is not reciprocating.

    How is your relationship with her otherwise?
     

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