Suggestions Please.

All these are things are just matter of time only. As they grows everything will change..kids who fights together in childhood become very close when they grew up. But only thing we needs to cautious, not forgot to convey the message that its wrong if they do something,no matter elder or younger. Everything should be fair between both.

 

Some fights for attention and assertion of rights is common among siblings. But... how you handle it is crucial and if wrongly handled, it leaves deep scars in their minds forever.

Younger one needs to be given the message that aggression is not okay and teach him to verbalise his irritations. Like, I am upset because the elder one snatched xyz etc. By your constant messaging/ reminding, he will learn to verbalise better and also identify his feelings. In the long run he will be fine and thank you immensely for this training.

Forever asking the older one to adjust or sacrifice is unfair. He is at an age where he will internalise all the hurts and colour it as rejections. Give him also the above lesson and talk to him openly about their behaviours and the dilemma it puts you in. He may start understanding you better. Watch out as an elder and stronger of the two, whether he indulges in unnecessary teasing and dominating. This can irritate the weaker younger one and make him unduly aggressive or sissy.

Parenting is the toughest job in this world. Try your best to be fair always to both of them.

All the best.

 

You have to be evenhanded in dealing with them. Even a perception of partiality can create a deep wound in the psyche of the victim, in your case who seems to be the elder one. Generally, the younger ones are more attention-grabber and naughty. If both of you show fairness in both affection and admonition, you will leave no scope of disgruntlement to any of them.

 

I have same gap in my kids. First of all this is the ‘golden age ‘ period you are going through. This is the time you will remember the most after they grow up.
But I agree it didn’t feel so great when I was in the thick of it.

Basically you have to teach the kids to play together then they will become friends and remain friends

For that, sit with them when you have time (make time weekly) and make them play a 2 person game so they depend on each other. During the game be fair if lo acts up scold him if older one acts out scold him. Show you are fair and that it is fun to play together

Give them small chores like tidy up in which they have to help each other and work together. Initially you supervise later let your elder one do it.

Purchase 2 person games.

Younger one will need to be coached to play together more than older but he will get it.

 

Hi Dhivya

We had something similar going on in our home, my kids are both girls and are 4 years apart. They are 8 and 3.5 now. The little one used to be a little aggressive, but constant reminders and time-outs that hitting is not acceptable seemed to work. Also checking my older one's behavior (she would quietly provoke the little one into this screaming fit and evnetually hitting), and explaining to both of them to immediately hug or apologize after such an episode seemed to bring these instances down a great deal. Also, in calmer times, when both were playing together, we would have my older daughter read or do fun things with her sister, basically make them spend more time together amd be available to diffuse any situations that might escalate into fighting of any kind.

We also, instead of just saying my older one has to adjust because she is older, we actually would talk to her, empathize with her and tell her stuff like how the little one can't communicate as well as her, and it is that frustration that manifests into this kind of behavior and how along with us, it is her job also to teach her little sister that certain behaviors are not acceptable and her screaming back or hitting her sister back is not going to teach the little one the correct behavior.

See if something like this might work. Talk to your older child and make him part of your mission to "set things right with the younger one". Set some boundaries with your little one, like do something fun with the older one and tell the younger one that he can only be part of that fun if he is nice, and is not going to hit.

This too shall pass!! Apparently, my sister and I used to fight so much as kids, my dad would just helplessly look at us and remark that he would give us each a stick so that we can just keep hitting each other with it!!

 

Another point... one of the mistakes we did in dealing with this issue was when the kids were fighting with the little one hitting and my older one reacting back - by screaming back at her sister or just patting her (older one never hit the little one), in an attempt to diffuse the situation, we would always "advice" the older one because we thought she was the one capable of understanding and we would tell her that since she was older, she is the one that should adjust. We realized soon enough that it wasn't correct. She was just older and not really old, and we were placing unfair burden on her to suck up and deal with bad behavior from her little sister. We stopped consciously doing that.

 

Be fair to both. My younger one used to create drama and blames the elder one. I used to scold the elder one for all these troubles. One day I saw exactly what happened. So asked both in a calm and asserting manner what happened. Came to know that the younger one started it ans she is the one mostly do it. She agreed. So I set the rules.

If they have any complaint and if they cannot solve, come to us. No one has any right beat or physically attack anyone. After the trials by me, they get a punishment ( like time out, ban from screen time or taking anything they like etc... ). so it worked well. So set rules equally for them in an assertive way. Also allow them to tell exactly what happened and why they get punishment for bad behavior. Sometimes they don't have any clue why we punish them. I even force them to say sorry if needed. I think its important to realize their own mistakes and learn from it.