Suggestions For Making Things Better

Caughtinbetween · May 12, 2016

hi
thanku all for your support
i am here again , more so this time for self introspection and to seek your advices in bringing changes in myself . things are the same , constant taunts and criticism , insults blame games and what not.
i do realize that there were mistakes from my end too . for good or for bad , it is in my nature that i do not communicate a lot which is a key in maintaining relationships . it brought me this far maybe because it was always my extended foo and they knew it and accepted it . they too have this complaint from me that i am silent type but still they never made it an issue and always stood by me all times. also when i realize that there is slightest discomfort, insult or taunt , anything slightly negative i go into a shell and become silent to avoid any fights or so. coming to my ils family , when i saw thier habit of constant observation , commenting and taunting on every single act of mine , always saying bad things about me and family i kind of withdrew myself completely . not that i wanted a bad start , like all others i too started with that dream of having good relations with ils but things never turned for good. my fate . to add to it , no kids , money or job only made the going tougher. understandably they were disappointed and it came out in the form of these things , if i had any of the above may be things would have been slightly better . not that i am not interested in working , of course i want to with all my heart but somehow things did not work out . now in the future , i am quite hopeful it would work out. i had a completely different picture there but now when i see there vent up frustations coming out i come to know how small things were shared with them by H . even things that were said casually were told to ils and they took it to a different dimensions . while H never accepts that he complained , it came across as complaints . he thinks he shared his innocent problems with his parents , who doesnt . now that i have seen that to what extent everything about me was shared and it now looks like all is my fault , not only to his family , even my family too thinks the same . i know that i have to be extra careful in handling H first . i realize i made a lot of mistakes in understanding him , i took him on face value . not anymore .all my foo says that i failed in touching his heart and thats the reason he complained to his family .but fault is not 100% mine . there are still few things which i have not shared with anybody which can turn the table . and for those few things only H says that he is bearing everything . but i always wanted that H and W should support each other through everything from heart , not because you have to compensate for the mistakes that you did . but anyways to each his own . although my first priority is to finish my course and try to find a job somewhere , i am not yet sure of my return as nobody is talking about it . another thing is that due to constant monitoring like cctv , i am becoming very conscious and i forget small things fearing the next comment coming my way . ils ask me do i suffer memory loss , or hearing problems or mental instability like that in an insulting way , next moment in anxiety and to make sure that i do not do anything wrong i end up doing some or the other mistake , all small small mistakes but becomes huge , and their doubts get stronger . sorry for a long rant , actually i have so many things in my mind that i want to discuss but am not able to put everything across at the moment . thank you .

SGBV · May 13, 2016

Sorry about your loss my dear....

Let me give you some honest observations from my end.

My mom is exactly the same silent type as you are. But she has never been this weak or fragile before she has become a widow. Now that, with her age (65+) and chronic thyroid issue, she is depressed a bit. Thus, she behaves exactly as explained by you.
Yes, she can't withstand even a slightest comments, leave alone rude talks or honest opinions. She will go back to her shells, and give us silent treatment until she decides to come out of it.
It makes relationship very fragile. You can't really be honest and open with a person who is not ready to accept anything.
However, we adjust, because we know this is not the real mom. This is her old age and depressed mood. So we can adjust.
If it is a new bride/family girl like you, it would be really hard to share an intimate relationship with you.

In my family, me and my H do fight, argue, reason out to each other, and get our problems resolved with communication. If one person is not ready to listen or will go to a locked shell if something is communicated, then it is hard to maintain that relationship.
Naturally the other person will withdraw himself emotionally. That's where in laws come back and win back the empty heart of many husbands.

Having said that, I really don't know why are you living at in laws' place when they are clearly insulting you to the face, and refusing your journey back to your husband's place.
Time to pack your bags and leave that house.
Move to your parent's house. Start to learn something, and be independent both physically and financially. That naturally gives you emotional independence.

If your husband really needs you, he will come back to you. In the mean time, communicate with your husband as much as you can.. and always try to maintain a beautiful communication with him. Don't bring the past, don't expect his sympathy, don't relate your issues with that of your talks.
If he questions anything, you can clearly say that your in laws' aparently did not like your stay there. So, you left them to avoid problems. Or you can say your dad needed you at this time.
Be honest. If you want, tell your husband that you are being insulted, which you can't accept anymore.
But don't expect him to react or give you justice. Just for his info, share the details.

Don't beg to go there, until he invites. But tell him how much you misses him.
How important is to stay together for the treatments. However, you also tell him the facts about your course and how hopeful you are to get a job here.
Don't give him any clues about your loneliness to be with him. Let him decide.

Be strong

Caughtinbetween · May 13, 2016

thanks sgbv for your response . many places you are right in your analysis . i now believe that if only i had developed an open communication with H , things would not have been too tough. although he too says that there is no communication between us i dont know how much is from his end . do you think i should start communicating everythign with him , no matter he does or not . because ILs and H's nature is such that they do not believe in telling everything to the outside world including me . so i ahve my doubts regarding pouring my heart out to him but i will try . diplomacy is the key here that i lack. he knows that we have to be their together for the ttc . i too think that i should not initiate any discussion with H regarding return and see how it goes . i am in any case preparing myself for both the worlds , not that i am not desperate to join him back but does not want to show it out in the open . he is not somebody into romantic messages or love you and miss you stuff nor did we speak a lot over the phone, just when needed. i did not complain about it because i know thats the way he is or may be i was wrong and i failed to touch his heart and thats the reason he didnt miss me . when he comes to india in a few days after a very long time ,he would be comp0letely occupied with his family , understandably so . i doubt how much communication or closeness it would develop as there are other issues which are certain to happen then. damage has been done by my bad comm. skills and failure in maintaining open comm. in relationship. more than half the times he will not even respond to messages like you send 10 and he will respond for one or just ok types , but i know he is like that so its fine . sometimes i worry about ils rant less and H more because of this . but now i must talk to H without mentioning anything good or bad about ils and grow my relation stronger . i speak to them as well now but there is no affection , it does not come from the heart , just an outer act, i am unable to forget all thye things that i and my family listened to because of them . but for now if things with H improve , who knows may be things with ils will fall in line too just so that there is a working relation. beautiful dream . change has to come from me .thanks for bearing with my long long responses its only getting longer and longer

blessgal · May 14, 2016

Caughtinbetween said: ↑

thanks sgbv for your response . many places you are right in your analysis . i now believe that if only i had developed an open communication with H , things would not have been too tough. although he too says that there is no communication between us i dont know how much is from his end . do you think i should start communicating everythign with him , no matter he does or not . because ILs and H's nature is such that they do not believe in telling everything to the outside world including me . so i ahve my doubts regarding pouring my heart out to him but i will try . diplomacy is the key here that i lack. he knows that we have to be their together for the ttc . i too think that i should not initiate any discussion with H regarding return and see how it goes . i am in any case preparing myself for both the worlds , not that i am not desperate to join him back but does not want to show it out in the open . he is not somebody into romantic messages or love you and miss you stuff nor did we speak a lot over the phone, just when needed. i did not complain about it because i know thats the way he is or may be i was wrong and i failed to touch his heart and thats the reason he didnt miss me . when he comes to india in a few days after a very long time ,he would be comp0letely occupied with his family , understandably so . i doubt how much communication or closeness it would develop as there are other issues which are certain to happen then. damage has been done by my bad comm. skills and failure in maintaining open comm. in relationship. more than half the times he will not even respond to messages like you send 10 and he will respond for one or just ok types , but i know he is like that so its fine . sometimes i worry about ils rant less and H more because of this . but now i must talk to H without mentioning anything good or bad about ils and grow my relation stronger . i speak to them as well now but there is no affection , it does not come from the heart , just an outer act, i am unable to forget all thye things that i and my family listened to because of them . but for now if things with H improve , who knows may be things with ils will fall in line too just so that there is a working relation. beautiful dream . change has to come from me .thanks for bearing with my long long responses its only getting longer and longer
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1. When people keep monitoring us continuously to find faults , we will feel nervous and do many mistakes . Absent mindedness is a common problem for many people . It is not our fault . I has had it and have it even now . Please explain your inlaws not to monitor as you get tensed and forget everything . What kind of activities do they monitor?
Do they monitor when you cook .
My ils monitor same way . Mil's mother ( granny) used to do this . She will monitor the time I am in restroom , flush sound etc and would ask questions like what were you doing etc and other ridiculas questions. Once I was cutting veggies . She sat in front of me and observed for 10 mins .
Similarly mil notes whether I switch off light . Everytime while coming to hall , kitchen light should be off though I would be going back in few mins .
For granny problem , I explicitly started to move away from her sight . If she comes and sits in front of me while cutting veggies , I take the cutting board to some other place and go there . While having food , if they are having food in hall , I used to go to dining or if they are in dining , I used to go in front of tv and pretend watching tv while having food .
You do self talk and become strong . Dont feel anxious when they blame or scold you .
If you are absent minded , they should tell that you are absent minded. Why are they asking you if have mental instability . If you are absent minded , tell them boldly , yes I am absent minded. Please dont confuse yourself so much . Self respect is very important for all of us . Why should you bear such insults .
From the beginning if we act bold , ils wont go to this level . Even I was not so initially .
I am also your nature . With great difficulty , I am trying to talk back .
Last time , when mil had come , she told me that I have become arrogant ( Actually I was assertive and not arrogant ) . I became very happy on hearing that . It is better to be arrogant than to suffer from anxiety and fear

Caughtinbetween · May 15, 2016

thanku blessgal for your response .they would monitor everything starting with the first thing in the morning till the last eating cooking time in the restroom , whom did i talk to , who called , my face my looks , i mean each and everything which i cant even mention here. it makes me highly conscious and anxious . i make more silly mistakes which further gives them a chance to taunt and comment. this i think has indeed made me absent minded . i always check in mind if i missed out on something or on what all things they can start an argument . moreover i am trying to just talk to them on the face of it nothing from my heart . after all that has happened , i dont think i will have same feelings for tyhem in the near future rather never again , not even for H . emotionally distant relationship is what i want now , i just want to act in front of them . like i talk to h nicely as much as i can and avoid return ticket topic but it is also acting . actually i guess if H had not complained at the back about me or like sgbv mentioned above that if H had not leaned on ils for emotional support things would not have been this worse . now i feel like i should act infront of all in the house and never come out with my feelings in front of them . also hopefully i am able to start my career soon. return ticket money too i arranged only i wait for his initiative , just want to see when he will start the topic on his own .sometimes i feel like screaming at all of them , god give me patience to pass through. thank u all for your support

blessgal · May 18, 2016

Op, i was in similar situation . they will blew up even silliy mistakes .
What i feel is
You should not act . you have rights to live with your hubby . why should you live with them . Be bold and tell calmly that you are missing your hubby and want to join him . dont beg . but tell in normal firm way
Dont blame your self for absent minded ness. You are stressed out . that is why .
Will tell you a idea which worked for me . buy blue tooth head fone . put your favourite songs and start doing the work . Do work slowly and in organised way . if they stand and stare at you , you tell her to go and relax watching tv
What i feel is either we or mil should be in kitchen . if both are there , tensions will a raise.
One day i had forgot to soak idli vessel after making idlis. She shouted at me . next week , mil had done same thing . till next morning it was not soaked and they took it easy. So work is not their problem . they want to shout . thats it

stalemate · Jun 8, 2016

Caughtinbetween said: ↑

hi
thanku all for your support
i am here again , more so this time for self introspection and to seek your advices in bringing changes in myself . things are the same , constant taunts and criticism , insults blame games and what not.
i do realize that there were mistakes from my end too . for good or for bad , it is in my nature that i do not communicate a lot which is a key in maintaining relationships . it brought me this far maybe because it was always my extended foo and they knew it and accepted it . they too have this complaint from me that i am silent type but still they never made it an issue and always stood by me all times. also when i realize that there is slightest discomfort, insult or taunt , anything slightly negative i go into a shell and become silent to avoid any fights or so. coming to my ils family , when i saw thier habit of constant observation , commenting and taunting on every single act of mine , always saying bad things about me and family i kind of withdrew myself completely . not that i wanted a bad start , like all others i too started with that dream of having good relations with ils but things never turned for good. my fate . to add to it , no kids , money or job only made the going tougher. understandably they were disappointed and it came out in the form of these things , if i had any of the above may be things would have been slightly better . not that i am not interested in working , of course i want to with all my heart but somehow things did not work out . now in the future , i am quite hopeful it would work out. i had a completely different picture there but now when i see there vent up frustations coming out i come to know how small things were shared with them by H . even things that were said casually were told to ils and they took it to a different dimensions . while H never accepts that he complained , it came across as complaints . he thinks he shared his innocent problems with his parents , who doesnt . now that i have seen that to what extent everything about me was shared and it now looks like all is my fault , not only to his family , even my family too thinks the same . i know that i have to be extra careful in handling H first . i realize i made a lot of mistakes in understanding him , i took him on face value . not anymore .all my foo says that i failed in touching his heart and thats the reason he complained to his family .but fault is not 100% mine . there are still few things which i have not shared with anybody which can turn the table . and for those few things only H says that he is bearing everything . but i always wanted that H and W should support each other through everything from heart , not because you have to compensate for the mistakes that you did . but anyways to each his own . although my first priority is to finish my course and try to find a job somewhere , i am not yet sure of my return as nobody is talking about it . another thing is that due to constant monitoring like cctv , i am becoming very conscious and i forget small things fearing the next comment coming my way . ils ask me do i suffer memory loss , or hearing problems or mental instability like that in an insulting way , next moment in anxiety and to make sure that i do not do anything wrong i end up doing some or the other mistake , all small small mistakes but becomes huge , and their doubts get stronger . sorry for a long rant , actually i have so many things in my mind that i want to discuss but am not able to put everything across at the moment . thank you .
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OMG, your complete post looks as if i am writing my life situations here.. Please tell me what are you planning to do? and how long are you married for? See my post and suggest me too Quit or Stay