Suggest change.

Dear friends

I need an honest opinion or any advises about the actions i should do to , resolve or start some remedy for my issues.

I have been marriage for 8 years.
I got married when i was 26 and it was an arranged marriage (parents fix - like this in India). I was young
and was not really sure about what kind of partner i need in my life. My parents were living with Me and my wife and we came to America after 1 year
of our marriage and started living separately. When i was living in the joint family environment , there was a lot of argument and stress and fights
everyday. I could never figure out the issue, as i was not sure, whether it the stress on my wife due to my parents or my wife itself is the issue.
But after coming to US, there has never been a day we have had no arguments. We could not get divorce as we had a child .

I am not very super smart person but i still am good hard working with a decent salary. My wife has never been satisfied with anything or what ever i have done.
Not matter how much money i have spend on her i am never good enough. She has some severe emotional issues, where she needs soothing all the time,
she needs to be reminded that she is doing a great favor and i should always be nice no matter how angry she is. She spends without even thinking
about our future. I am also not great person, i get angry and shout but i never initiate a issue. Most of all she never ever, thinks that this argument
is not going anywhere. After every fight she will cry or make a scene and emotionally tell that i am the one making issue.

Initially i used to think, that it was me who was doing it. I changed myself a lot and still there had been no changes. But i saw that she behaved the
same when her mom came to stay with her.

WE had our second child 2 years back, i did not want to have as i was not sure if it will do anything with so much issue.

After the 2nd son, she has literally become a maniac. I do not know what happened to her, she shouts for really stupid issues. She wants all his feeds
to be perfect and shouts for no reason. She fought with her mom and me for hours yesterday just because we missed the kids feed by 1 hr.

I used to take care of him at night and i had to leave early in the morning. With only 2 hours of sleep,
i used to be so tired. She never cared. Once she wanted me to come for a walk with and i said no as i was teriibly tired. She fought with me hours
and finally i could not take the stress , i slapped her. She call 911 and i got arrested.

That incident had changed me, all these years i used to react and cry. Now as i was ordered by court to go counseling (anger management). During
this process somehow i got totally detached from her. She still used to fight as before but instead of reacting, i started being quiet and
look like dummy . This used to irritate her more and she started loosing controls. It went so much, she started breaking down initially and used to
cry . I have literally lost all feelings for her.

Now yesterday the same thing happened, this time she started hitting herself and i watched. This made me feel bad at night. Since now this is affecting
my kids and i love them to death.

This is becoming too much, she does not want to improve relationship or herself. I do not care if we do not talk also, as long as we live
like 2 strangers, with no fights i am fine. She does not want divorce also. But i cannot take it anymore, i want her to realize that things needs to
change. As i am ready to go for external help as i realize this is not something we can talk and sort out.



Please suggest me, what i should do, i literally hate my wife in every second now. i hate her voice and even presence. it is bad, as i can see because this itself creates new fights.

It is just that past treated have made a stone. I want to change, becuase i love my children.

 

thanks. I know this is a mixed feedback. I did post in a different forum, there a professional mentioned a term called bipolar disorder and it fit her.

Also, please note, if i were the only person who is making issues. I will go at any length to change myself. But she has the same issues with her own mom. Lazy and no caring attitude, and selfish. She complains the same things to me, in what i said. But she does not hate as i do understand, that being a parent we can never hate our kids no matter what they do. but it is different when 2 adults are present.

I can give an example, she was studying for getting a job. I know it is tough to join back work after 2 kids. But from my side, i gave her 100 percent support. I cooked, washed, fed the kids. Went late to office. I even got fired early, as i am consultant in usa, due to bad work ethics. Luckily i found another work at the same time she got.

Now, my visa is over and i had to be in dependent in usa. I got my labor cleared and i am preparing for interviews. i do not any support from her. I hurts me so much and makes me behave mean to her.

I can go on and on. It will be just pouring my anger.

I can look for extra marital affairs but now i am quite mature, as it is going to create more issues than resolutions in my life. I will goto marriage counseling. I am suggested to goto clinical pyschologist, but before i will try MC.

Her mom and i get along so much, surprising. She does not do anything special for me. She just gets up and take care of family cooking, and helping kids.

 

I cannot forgive her, since till today i feel i am right. I came home from work early. She said lets go for walk, i was tired and still said ok. then she said, my elder daughter needs to goto park. i felt i cannot do both, i said u goto walk alone and i will take the kid for park. i do not know what i said wrong, from evening 6 - 2:00 am she fought. I finally broke down.

 

I agree on this, i was told the same thing by a professional in a different group.