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Stuck With A Liar - Please Suggest

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lightsource, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Indusladies, I am in a heart and mind conflict, wanting to know your suggestions and experiences. I am sorry OP for invading your thread space. This is one of my first posts here. I learnt that I do not have the privilege to start a new thread in marriage forum, hence I am posting here. Can anyone let me know how to earn the credit?

    I am nearing 30, married to a guy in North America, a couple months ago in a proper arranged marriage setup. I am emphasizing arranged marriage because we (me and my parents) didn’t have much idea about the guy, though we did our bit of limited surveillance before the alliance. He was not a great talker even before wedding, when questioned about it, if he was genuinely interested in the marriage, he assured that it was just his nature and that he was keen on getting married.

    Post wedding, we were in the honeymoon phase for a few days and subsequently, I could sense that he maintained a very formal bond with no conjugal relationship, in spite of me asking him repeatedly to express emotions and move closely with me. His response used to be that he has been trying to make improvements and will continue to try. He has been living in a foreign land alone for close to a decade now, so I assumed he has become an emotionless man and would get better if I shower him with love and kindness. He travels close to two to three weeks in a month and has never expressed a yearning for not being able to live together and having to travel so often. I accepted his emotional unavailability in marriage and started to cope myself by keeping busy, volunteering, making new friends etc.

    Meanwhile, following one of his trips, I felt extremely lonely, frustrated and yelled at him for this behavior of him. He got agitated and went silent for weeks. After two weeks of silent treatment, he came up with an explanation for not being close to me. He said that he THINKS he’s a GAY or IMPOTENT. I got shattered, but I gathered myself and said that we can still stay as friends in marriage, if he is okay with it. He said he is feeling guilty for ruining my life and CANNOT LIVE A LIE. Following that, he became extremely arrogant, silent with no interaction at all. He also started behaving secretively and I was not aware of any of his activities.

    After a few more weeks of this emotional torture, the matter escalated to our parents and they wanted us to fly back home as early as possible. He said that he has given passport for renewal and would take couple weeks for it to return. He has always given an impression of being very honest and straightforward and hence, I didn’t sense anything wrong. Since he behaved confidentially, I grew suspicious. On one terrible day, I found his new passport which was issued a month ago. On repeated inquiries about the passport, he finally stated that he is about to receive his passport in two days (which I know, for a fact, is lying in his bag). I did not make it a big issue then, because, I assumed that he’s severely depressed (stupid me) and is sacred to meet our parents back home. He has also cancelled his sponsorship for my visa, just before leaving the country (which I came to know from the embassy). On asking, he swears on his father that he hasn’t done such a thing at all. I also have strong suspicions with circumstantial evidence about he being involved in? illegal activities, involving impersonation using fake identities. But what shatters me, is his ability to remain unperturbed, on confrontation, despite his lies, confirming that he is just not a one-time liar, but a seasoned one.

    To summarize, I am left with an EMOTIONLESS GAY LIAR, who has been pretending to be a soft-spoken, honest fellow. At the moment, I am drowned in self-pity (which I know causes more harm than good) and helplessness. Though it seems obvious to get rid of him as soon as possible (Considering the possible bad he could cause to me, with his criminal mind), I am scared to take the next step. I am looking forward to read similar stories /suggestions from my friends here, so that, it would help me to build confidence and positivity.
     
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  2. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry for whats happening in your life and I personally think you should have all the right to come out from this relation and he has to pay all the compensation to your family to do a such fake marriage. But you open a new thread since this thread may not get much attention. You will get more expert advices how to proceed.
     
  3. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks peet for your prompt response.

    I am contemplating the same. I didn't know how to open a new thread. Can you please let me know. Thanks again.
     
  4. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Indusladies, I am in a heart and mind conflict, wanting to know your suggestions and experiences.

    I am nearing 30, married to a guy in North America, a couple months ago in a proper arranged marriage setup. I am emphasizing arranged marriage because we (me and my parents) didn’t have much idea about the guy, though we did our bit of limited surveillance before the alliance. He was not a great talker even before wedding, when questioned about it, if he was genuinely interested in the marriage, he assured that it was just his nature and that he was keen on getting married.

    Post wedding, we were in the honeymoon phase for a few days and subsequently, I could sense that he maintained a very formal bond with no conjugal relationship, in spite of me asking him repeatedly to express emotions and move closely with me. His response used to be that he has been trying to make improvements and will continue to try. He has been living in a foreign land alone for close to a decade now, so I assumed he has become an emotionless man and would get better if I shower him with love and kindness. He travels close to two to three weeks in a month and has never expressed a yearning for not being able to live together and having to travel so often. I accepted his emotional unavailability in marriage and started to cope myself by keeping busy, volunteering, making new friends etc.

    Meanwhile, following one of his trips, I felt extremely lonely, frustrated and yelled at him for this behavior of him. He got agitated and went silent for weeks. After two weeks of silent treatment, he came up with an explanation for not being close to me. He said that he THINKS he’s a GAY or IMPOTENT. I got shattered, but I gathered myself and said that we can still stay as friends in marriage, if he is okay with it. He said he is feeling guilty for ruining my life and CANNOT LIVE A LIE. Following that, he became extremely arrogant, silent with no interaction at all. He also started behaving secretively and I was not aware of any of his activities.

    After a few more weeks of this emotional torture, the matter escalated to our parents and they wanted us to fly back home as early as possible. He said that he has given passport for renewal and would take couple weeks for it to return. He has always given an impression of being very honest and straightforward and hence, I didn’t sense anything wrong. Since he behaved confidentially, I grew suspicious. On one terrible day, I found his new passport which was issued a month ago. On repeated inquiries about the passport, he finally stated that he is about to receive his passport in two days (which I know, for a fact, is lying in his bag). I did not make it a big issue then, because, I assumed that he’s severely depressed (stupid me) and is sacred to meet our parents back home. He has also cancelled his sponsorship for my visa, just before leaving the country (which I came to know from the embassy). On asking, he swears on his father that he hasn’t done such a thing at all. I also have strong suspicions with circumstantial evidence about he being involved in? illegal activities, involving impersonation using fake identities. But what shatters me, is his ability to remain unperturbed, on confrontation, despite his lies, confirming that he is just not a one-time liar, but a seasoned one.

    To summarize, I am left with an EMOTIONLESS GAY LIAR, who has been pretending to be a soft-spoken, honest fellow. At the moment, I am drowned in self-pity (which I know causes more harm than good) and helplessness. Though it seems obvious to get rid of him as soon as possible (Considering the possible bad he could cause to me, with his criminal mind), I am scared to take the next step. I am looking forward to read similar stories /suggestions from my friends here, so that, it would help me to build confidence and positivity.
     
  5. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Zool

    Yes, I am trying to gather courage and move on. Hope I get there sooner.
     
    Zool likes this.
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you in India now ?
    "the embassy" ... which country's embassy ?
    How long have/had? you lived in USA ?
    What is/was your visa status in USA ?
     
  7. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Before concluding , can you confirm if he is Gay? or he thinks he is impotent? Please have a sweet talk with him , to figure out which of them is an issue.
     
    peet1983 likes this.
  8. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @Lightsource,

    In an arranged marriage, both the partners must take interest in knowing one another and also the effort should be to make the journey together easy and smooth as quickly as possible. At 30+ one cannot be excused for being shy or tongue-tied, more so when the guy is staying away from his family on a foreign soil. Something is definitely amiss.

    Considering that it is an arranged marriage which is hardly months old, please involve family elders and if necessary, walk out of this marriage. In no way it is your mistake so don't waste any more time hoping for miracles.
     
    goldenhoney87 and shravs3 like this.
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    duplicate
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2018
  10. Lightsource

    Lightsource Senior IL'ite

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    We got married a couple months ago and moved to Canada, where he's a permanent resident. Yes, I am in India for now, because I am contemplating separation.
     
    Amulet likes this.

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