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Stuck in this useless relationship

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by soonmomtobe, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. soonmomtobe

    soonmomtobe New IL'ite

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    Hi All Members,

    I am an independent woman with a one year old baby. Its been 3 yrs that i have been married, to this man who is uneducated and immature. Why do such men and their families want a well-educated, english speaking, earning, modern wives when they themselves are backward ? My MIL is a very backward lady who is completely obsessed with her son, she envies me so much that she has even started dressing like me!! She will fight with me, complain against me all the time to her son and keeps brainwashing him. But the problem is not her really, coz i was not married to her, i was married to this man who is a total loser. He is totally self centered, never cares about me if i am sick or in pain, he does not give a **** about telling me or asking me about imp decisions like involving our house or finances. he hates it if i get importance anywhere more than him, behaves very badly when he comes to my parents house and will not talk to my mother (though, he will willingly accept cash and gifts, and later will never acknowledge the fact that my mom does a lot for him) Everytime we have a fight either he will pinch me really hard or he will push me or hit me ( i have started doing the same things to him now). Never has been a moment where he has been romantic or mentioned that i mean a lot to him or said i love you or even that "you look nice today" never! Whenever i have problems with his mom he will take his mom's side ( he could be neutral atleast) and start complaining about me out loud like.. she is lazy, doesnt cook properly, keeps buying useless stuff etc. Doesnt care for the baby or play with her unless, he wants to show-off to someone. He and his family are a big Show-off so much that i hate it when they start bragging and want to run out of the room.. Living with these people is getting tougher by the day.. please help me and let me know what happens after divorce? do you really face a lot of emotional challenges? what about the kids? what all do they have to face? which is a better bargain considering my situation that i dont have any financial troubles ?
     
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  2. pranatim

    pranatim Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear virtual hugs to you. Including you today I have heard the same story from 3 different people its more or less the same. I am amazed what is happening to this world. Why men are so self centric now a days? I dont know what to tell you try to meet some counseller may be he/she will help you out. Try to persuade your husband too. Things should change now before it gets worse. I will pray for your healthy relationship.
     
  3. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    If he is sitting idle with out even helping u in finances then there is no point in staying with him. U dont deserve such treatment. Get a life.
     
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Get a separate bank account.
    The physical abuse must stop or it may escalate.
    Divorce is not a one-way street , both have to agree or the case will drag on for years.There could be a custody battle for kid and maintenance issues.
    Hope your parents will support you.Its good that you are working.
    You should have thought before marrying an uneducated man and now you should think well before you take the next step. You also had a baby with him!
    He will side with his Mom because you two have problems.
    Try your best to get along so that you do not regret later but say no to domestic voilence.
    Most men in our society behave like your H with wife's parents and have a massive superiority complex.

    Imagine yourself 10 years later in both situations and the picture will become clear.
    Divorce is very traumatic no doubt but it can be done if things are really bad.
    Generally divorced men remarry easily but its tough for a woman unless she is really lucky.
    One should be ready to handle all issues and face the world alone with child.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    you have done a mistake by marrying such a person...since you are financially independent, you can try to stay separately for sometime and then see how things will go...

    as flowerlady suggested, visualise how you would like to be seen after 10 years which may help you in making decision...

    if the baby's future is going to be affected if you stay with your h, then there is every reason to go separate...

    best of luck...
     
  6. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 Platinum IL'ite

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    These kind of people has no idea what they are doing to other's life. But since you had a kid too with him, things will be very difficult even you stay in the marriage or get separated. A kid cannot grow up positively if it sees mom and dad hitting each other.
    I don't know whether he knows about how bad you are feeling. But still have you considered telling him that unless he considers changing his ways, you cannot live with him. Probably such a threat can bring him back to his senses. I'm sure he would want you in his life atleast to show off to others that he has got an educated,modern woman as his wife.
     
  7. indus123

    indus123 New IL'ite

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    hi soonmomtobe,

    You are pretty much in my situation in which i was before. I had same differences with H and MIL character ditto.

    Is yours love or arranged marriage ? you said he is uneducated thats why i am asking this. Does he earn equally or less ? All you need to think is the Baby's future. Doesn't mean you need to definitely stick to him just becoz of the baby. But assess the situation genuinely.

    I think you should try living with your husband seperately for a while and watch whether there is change in him. They do all natak because of their Mother's backup. you know what, they take mother's side just to make her feel happy that the son is still unchanged after marriage. They dont care even you feel irritated.

    Getting seperated is easy. but what if he claims for the daughter legally. you will end up in emotional trauma. So before doing anything adverse, try out few things atleast give a fair try.

    All the best .....also let us know what's happening...
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2012
  8. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    Why did you marry him at first place when you knew he is uneducated guy.
    Have heart to heart talk with him and tell him softly that he is required to act responsible and what he expect from this marriage..
    Tell him that you would always believe him over your parents...why is he always believing his mom.
    If possible try to go and live seperate with him instead of living with his mom...may be he might start liking you after living with alone in different house.
    still if you feel things are unbearable....involve elders of both the families put your problem to them and surely u will find ur solution...
    if possible go to ur mom's place for a week or more...and there u can analyse whether u wanna continue this relation or not...if you miss ur hubby then u surely can live with him....if not...am sure u can never stay with him forever.
     
  9. praks

    praks New IL'ite

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    Take a break for some time - live alone and retrospect the pros and cons. This will help you to decide what you actually want from life and even make them realize that you are capable of taking a bold step.
    They should get an element of fear in them that even you can stand up for yourself and your baby and will stop taking you for granted. In the meantime your mind will also get clear and you will know what you want from life.
     

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