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Stuck In It Together

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hopeless4lyf, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    Back story quick version: I moved to The States in my teens. I have always been a person of few but close friends. Anyone that would qualify as friend lived in different state or country all my life, safe to say I was a loner but eventually grew to liking it. Ended up taking on some traveling, decent corporate job, solo trips to the movie theater. Life was good. THEN I decided I should try out this dating/marriage thing. First time I brought up a guy's name (suggested by a friend I should consider talking to him ( he was from different caste)) to my mom she down right didn't even care to hear it just said "talk to your dad about it". Wasn't even like I was dating him or hell even talked to him, I was basically asking thoughts on dating/caste and all that so I know where the family stood. Well that didn't work out and I am like hell if my mom is not giving me an answer screw it, no point in asking dad. So fast forward to signing up on a matrimonial site.

    I ended up finding a guy who's family/caste all that would never be questioned because it checked all the "ideal" boxes I knew my family would NEVER question even if it wasn't discussed. I started talking to him than he decided to come meet me so I told my dad about him, dad initially excited said they also want to meet him.He came we met, we decided walking out of the airport that this was it, we liked each other and there was no turning back. He meets the family, everyone likes each other and it's a done deal. (his family lived in india). So his mom decided we needed to get married ASAP because his legal status was expiring soon. So because everyone said yes we decided to do that in less than a month of meeting each other.

    The day before my marriage less than 12 hrs I find out he is a smoker. I (never having been around one didn't realize the intensity of it). Than as days went on after our marriage I started seeing his habit come out more and more. Months passed and I realized he is also a big time drinker. Within first 3 months of being married he made new friends and was out till 3 AM (8+ hrs) socializing and wouldn't come home until I called multiple times. Then he came home completely drunk. I informed his sibling of it, she basically remanded him. Then I realize his drinking episodes started increasing, at one point made it to my parents who decided they want to call off this marriage but I explained to them to give him chance to change. So he promises my dad he will never drink or smoke. ( I knew he was secretly doing it but could never prove it because I had no access to his bank details). Than more smoking/drinking episodes came about. Again same promises. Then found out he had secretly taken money from someone and never told me, again got scot free with a sorry. Then again more drunk episodes and finally we merged our bank accounts and in about a month of doing so I found proofs that he had been buying cigarettes everyday.

    So than I told his family I am tired of his lies, tired of his habits and no longer wish to be with him. Because I had warned him so many times to just be honest with me and also I will be very supportive of him medically if he truly wanted to quit. But he turned it all down, so I took that as no intention of wanting to change. His mom is literally telling me she knew all along her sons habits. But now my family and his family are like give him a chance. Let him change. His family said give him x amount of time to change, and after that if he pursues all this then come to us with proof then and we will talk. I told my parents and his parents next time I will literally sign the divorce papers. His sorry statement was "I promise I will never lie to you and I have to smoke some(x amount) to give it up completely....BUT I will give up drinking completely from now" . IDK if he drinks or not but he smokes more than the X amount he himself decided, is continuing to lie to me. ( he thinks I don't know but I do I just don't say it now).

    Now the problem is life has come to a point where I feel like I am stuck in this marriage, and I am certain he feels the same. we live under the same roof but exchange less than 50 words a day. It's come down to talk about "whats for dinner" MAYBE on occasions whats on tv, and perhaps 10% of if something is happening on his side of the family. It seems like both of us are stuck in this but seem to have no way out and I seriously just want him to have his life as he chooses, continue on with his life with/without his habits but not with me. I seriously feel like I am suffocating with a liar and have given him enough chances to change. I can't stand to even sleep next to him. But if I give him the divorce now everyone's seems like they would be blaming me for not wanting to give him chance so decided to give him this chance with my heart set he is not going to change but at least give him the time frame they asked. But he has gotten 4 chances and additionally a lot of this is stuff I found out after we got married. So I seriously need some input on what direction I should go in.
     
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  2. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Darling' firstly unlike ur nickname u aint hopeless at all' so cheer up.....regardless of whether u divorce him or dont divorce this guy people ans espectially the grooms side of family will blame u only. So dont bother. Ideally the mother should have informed u about her sons vices but then again Indian parents are so protective about their 'kuldeepaks' :)rolleyes::rolleyes:)

    Niw an educated n young girl like u shuldnt b contemplating so much. U have ur parents support' (dont bother those old measely relatives' they wil nag regardless !). U have a wonderful chance of building up ur life again and please focus on ur career and keep marriage at bay for a while (as the saying goes once bitten twice shy..) unless u want to make ur marriage work and are ready to give him the 5th chance (cud overflow again) there is nutin much left in this marriage from what I make out from ur post (not even a remotest mention of nytin pleasant with him) So girl pack ur bags and before all his vices turns u into a lunatic just gather all ur sane thoughts and say bye-bye to this marriage !
     
    Dhamini, SinghManisha, SR005 and 2 others like this.
  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Get out when you can, hon. You’ve given him a lot of chances to change, and each attempt he has broken trust. Trust is hard to rebuild and unless you work really hard to open your heart and give him a real chance, the ship has sailed.

    When It comes to divorce, there will never be a point that a women gets to walk away without being blamed and guilted for making the decision. It’s just how life works- there will always be someone lending their unwanted opinion about how you could have worked harder to “save” your marriage. Instead of thinking in terms of the marriage, think of it in terms of the relationship- between you and your husband. Ask yourself the hard questions- do you like him?do you trust him? Do you want to make things work? Try reading this book: Too good to leave, too bad to stay. It really helps to put things into perspective.

    I’m not advising you to divorce, I’m advising you to analyze this relationship and figure out whether YOU want to stay. Don’t stay for anyone other than yourself. Once you figure this out, you wouldn’t be so confused as to what to do.

    And another thing... we are often afraid of being seen as the bad guy or the one unable to “adjust”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with understanding where your boundaries are- in fact, it’s crucial to know what you are willing to accept and what you are willing to walk away from.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    You married to fix his legal status. And I suspect that* you are only part way in achieving that. He has to have you complete the process, so that he can be perfectly legal without anymore of your compliance help with the immigration paperworks. Once that is done, he is free to leave, or stay. Unconditional staying together is what makes a successful marriage. When that happens with whomever, you'd have a stable, happy marriage.

    The smoking and drinking (general nihilistic (self-destructive) behavior.....) is pretty much always due to the blues that people feel. Life not in their control sort of feeling. When that goes away, and he is still healthy, he'd be just fine -- with or without you.
    ------------------------------------------------​

    *I suspect that: This thought came to me because of your decision to co-mingle your bank accounts. This manner of co-mingling of assets, such as bank-accounts, joint home-lease contracts, or utility bills, is usually considered documentary proof of the bonafides of a genuine marriage, based upon which certain immigration benefits had been granted.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Is his family buying time because of the citizenship / visa ?
    How long have you been married ?
    Has he gotten the green card / citizenship or whatever ‘legal status’ he wanted from you already?
    Any kids ? If not don’t plan till you decide the future of this marriage ?

    Regarding any form of addictions, it’s very hard for addicts to stop. I know some people who where forced into rehab centres by their families n they came out n restarted it. Some people just can’t change.
    N ofcourse there’s the other half that really does want to change n does whatever it takes to stop.
    N the other side which does all this in secret n simply lies about it.

    You have already given so many chances, maybe as a last resort, set a 2-3 months or so timeline, if you still feel the same way, contact a divorce lawyer. This way you are still giving another chance your family asked you for, n no one can guilt you over your decision after that.
     
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  6. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear what you have been through. The earlier you leave the less problems you will have and you can focus on your future. Your in laws are just buying more time without offering help. Discuss with your parents and decide. Good luck.
     
    Hopeless4lyf and SR005 like this.
  7. SpringB

    SpringB Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi op, sorry for your state. After his legal status becomes confirmed what about alimony ? Do you have to pay ? Have you thought about that ? Do you have a prenup ? If Visa status is one of the issue please consult a lawyer before he becomes a legal immigrant.
     
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  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Good thing you dont have a child with him.
    So get out, these people will never change. Looks like he has no intention to change.
    Dont waste your life with a loser.
     
    Hopeless4lyf likes this.
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    @Hopeless4lyf - I wonder if your spouse married you for Visa status. If you feel like that's the case, I would definitely consult an Attorney to figure out what to do. It might help save your assets. Depending on the state you live, your marital assets will be divided equally - if you earn more, this might be a bummer, but it seems like you haven't merged accounts anyway, so it may not be an issue.

    I wouldn't actually worry about alimony, especially since you are just in a short-term marriage with unmerged accounts. Alimony is suggested if there is a big difference in earning capacity and it is usually paid for a LIMITED term (usually half the time of the marriage - so if you have been married 4 years, alimony is only allotted for 2 years) and it's optional.
     
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  10. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    I greatly appreciate the cheer up. Much needed. But having been through many roadblocks in life before marriage and not giving up on life in the hopes of finding a perfect match and looking forward to better times ahead then coming to this has totally crushed me. Why would the mother inform me when her son was a playboy in India and has naked pictures with girls in his room she knew what her son is about. but the expectation I guess was some girl from nice family will keep quite because his family is very well known and rich and all. I have worked hard for my money so they really can't try to buy me with that. I also don't have my parents support unless I give him this chance. For two reasons A. they want me to see settled in life. B. They think I am rushing if don't give him this chance. Also I know for a fact my mother wanted a son because she adored my cousin brother more than me when he started living with us then after he left my relationship with her was just as stranded. Then the hubby came along and they two bonded well that if I say something it didn't matter against what the hubby said. He was favored more by mother than I was. So my mother clearly doesn't want to get rid of him, because to her it would be loosing her ladla. My only hope is he continues his trend after this time thats given to him otherwise I will never be able to get out. Also this "5th" chance is not really by me its more so by parents from both sides of the family because a guy who cannot live up to a single promise he made me or calls his own mom a liar will never be mine for sure.
     

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