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Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Just sharing my thoughts. I have asked a question myself- I was happy & vibrant before marriage, then why I became unhappy and sensitive after marriage. Even one day of silent mode behavior from dh for whatever reasons made me upset.I didn't know what silent mode is before marriage. It took me time to understand this. Before marriage I was the center of my universe, all others were part of my universe or some thing outside. But after marriage, may be due to traditional background, I made my dh as the center of my universe, but he was still center of his universe. So all his actions/reactions had an effect on me. In short I was linking my happiness to him. Actually I should be the center of my universe, even he or kids or any body should be the part of it. This realization helped me to come out of that dilemma. In a happy marriage, both these universe should merge and there should be one soul and mind, if its not happening, its safe to be center your own universe. That gives one lot of power.

    I allowed myself to be a victim of my own dependence on him emotionally. When I gain independence, I became less affected by his behavior. But I communicate to him very well if I want to or stop him here right there if he try to sit on my head. If he demand/order me to do something, I wont do. If he needs something , he has to ask in the right way, not in any way disrespecting me. I don't know if it work for others. But it gives me peace of mind. Your self esteem and self-respect is very important. Once you have it you will be a self-confident and assertive person. But one have to stop worrying about what others think of me or stop worrying about pleasing others. You dont need anybody's certificate to be who you are as long you have strong conviction about your own decisions..

    When you stop constantly worrying about your emotionally distant husband and start focusing on yourself you will feel more in control of your life. He will be taken aback by your new behavior and, if he values your marriage, he will change his behavior. Marriage works only when both of you work. You already chased him enough, stop doing that. Be yourself. You don't have to change who you are to please him. If he want you he need to accept you as a whole package. If he change his attitude, then you can re-evaluate the marriage and can determine whether he is willing to work on the marriage alongside you or if other action needs to be taken.

    Stop begging for his time or attention. If you know that its not going to happen, why bother it. If he is not ready to work on marriage why you should work on it all the time. If he comes to you and you want sex, only then do it. Same way, if you like it enjoy all opportunities. If you want to hug, or kiss, do it for you. Its up to you to decide.

    When his Parents are home, his emotional needs are satisfied I think, he is getting everything except sex. Once they leave he knows that you are there to satisfy him in all ways. But you will get an opportunity to show him you lack of emotional dependence on him when they leave. Then show him what its to be like emotionally abandoned. Avoid him. Give him the same pinch instead of chasing him all the time. Let him chase you. Do minimum service that time. But you need to find ways to be happy yourself. If he comes back then tell him this is exactly what he was doing.

    I don't know how easy to find a job or even volunteering activities, try to find it and have a life outside your home, that will reduce your emotional or financial dependence on him. Its not easy to change someone until they want to. Stop trying to change him, instead try to change your response and behavior. May be that will him convince the need to change himself.


    [Sweet making episode - This is what I do, I am not sure if it work for you
    First of all I don't prepare a dish when we have already planned to go some where. If you decided to prepare stick on with it. Even if they create a hell, relax, stay cool, act as deaf, finish the dish and go. If you want to tell to MIL.. mom can you help dd to get ready, can you give milk by the time I will finish. or ask your dh to help dd ... if you want to go that fast , you all go , I will stay here, whatever you want. But dont stop it even if they make any noise. If you continue this way, after sometime, they will realize, raising voice not work on you. Stick with your plans and dont change it for others if its not necessary to do so. If they ask you politely, then do. If not, don't even listen to it.
    "And to that, H. pushed away the toy saying fine I wont do this, you don't want me to setup the toy (which his parents had got for LO)"
    He can wait.. why he did that when they have plans to go. So its double standard. He can do anything last minute, but you cannot. You just ignore it or tell him, if that what he wants to think he can think that way, you dont care.
    MIL & kitchen - When she is in kitchen, leave kitchen to her, dont go there to take her orders. Just ask her if she need any help,if she say not, then retreat you room and enjoy. Go to kitchen if you want to do something. May be you can hint her that your dh neglect you when parents are there, but in a funny and careful way. Only you knows if it work or not.
    ]

    OP, I dont think its easy to change an adult. Accept him for what he is. But change yourself. If he want you he will come to you. Any amount of advice is not going to work, if you cannot take your life into your hands. Control what you can, don't worry about others. It is a good change that you were less affected by sweet making episode. That's a good start. Find ways to empower yourself. Take baby steps.

    If you want to stay in this marriage, you need to find ways to be in & be happy. If not ,take a break, go to India and think about your options.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2018
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  2. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    I totally agree with @DDream .
    On a lighter note, why don't you also enjoy your MIL's cooking ? Tell her that she cooks so well that you want to just keep on eating her food . Heap praises on her and just sit back n enjoy .
     
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  3. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Umm, no you won't be okay with it but you won't have time and energy either to deal with him and his crap. You will be busy with other 'important' stuff and by the end of the day, you won't give his 'attitude ' any second thought. So, yes , having a job or doing anything will definitely change your perspective about your marriage . And I won't say you have to have a 9-5 kinda job or look for H1 sponsor etc . Many women on H4 have their own business out of their homes and that actually works well too. Baking / cooking and catering for events/ cooking blog/stitching -altering / baby - sitting / painting and teaching / event planning etc are some . I have seen many ladies becoming famous locally coz of their talent . There is so much demand for such work in desi community abroad .Thought of doing something myself too ,but I am 'master of none' :p.
    Khud ko importance de Kar dekho , you won't need it from anyone else then.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2018
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    DDream has given you excellent advice! Do read it.

    I don’t know about the chant but my friend had lot of benefit using Louise hay and her affirmations. You can google about her basically you get up in the morning look in the mirror and tell yourself with great conviction the positive of whatever problem you are having- I am great or I will get a job or whatever the issue is.

    The issue is 2 fold you don’t have a good routine in which you keep and maintain a daily tally of your goals concern only with your progress. And priority wise you take all else into account and keep yourself last. Put yourself first. Every morning get up and tell yourself what you are going to do 2 hours study whatever.

    Every morning do your affirmations and come up with 3 things you will do for yourself your career, your own self that day. Then you will be focused and looking for chance to get the goals accomplished before the day is done. Start small and build on it.

    Mil is here push as much kitchen work on her as is needed and study. If she is giving list to hubby why are you standing next to them. Leave the room go to your room do your work. Your time is valuable too! Use it well.

    An important point is during the day avoid eye contact with them. Neither look at them nor pay attention to them nor stand to the side to overhear what they are telling each other. Only respond if they come to you and speak to you but even then grant their request grudgingly not readily but grudgingly. Mention all the other things you need to do which must get done and try to put it off. Just be in your own world and do your work. It will make your life easier. Put headphones when you work in kitchen or house and finish your usual work fast. If they say do this again, etc say sorry no time today this is all I can do. I have to go study. Budget strictly the House work or kid time don’t let them stretch it endlessly with their demands. Thus Slowly regain control over your time which means control over your life. Stop thinking what you are expected to do or what some movie showed or what some ideal person should do ought to do blah blah. Where did that thinking get you? It got you into this mess.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2018
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  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @MindVoice , I agree completely with @DDream. Its really hard to change a grown adult unless they are ready to change themselves.
    You cannot even begin to change him, just concentrate on strengthening your inner voice for now. I am happy to note that the silent treatment didnt bother you much. Its also good to know that it didnt last long like it usually does. This only means that they unconsciously started talking because it didnt have an impact on you.

    @1Sandhya 's point in writing an affirmation i think will come in handy. I also did this. It need not be too big a task. Start simple. On one day, my note practically read this:
    1. Hot cup of coffee in the backyard
    2. Make gajar ka halwa (I had stopped making it because he never liked it). I was so refreshing to finally please myself and not just him.


    You have no idea how great it feels to finally reconnect with what we want/like. You are on the right track. Keep at it. You got this.
    Only other thing I would like to mention is that, talking back is a double edged sword. Be careful when you use it. While it surely puts him back in place forcing him to think twice before abusing you, it could also turn on you. Its 3 against one right now. They can and will easily out smart you, should it come to that. If possible, and if time permits, assess the situation before talking back. Once you strengthen yourself, then of course there is no stopping you. Then, he cant hurt you anymore.
     
  6. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @soulful, I am trying to stop bothering about him and them. I have a pathological problem, in that, subconsciously, I try to be nice even when they aren't believing that that must make them be nice to me (and get super angry when they don't respond acc. to my own law). This is my basic problem. I am trying to think how to solve this.

    @DDream You have so said so many wise things. I couldn't reply properly to your previous post either, but you are so right!
    This!
    Like @1Sandhya rightly pointed out, I need to put myself first. She is right, I put myself last. And then rant and rave that no one bothers.
    It has been automatic as the expectation is the wife/mom should put herself last - and its a nonassertive, nonconfrontational position...so easy, in a way... But wrong, I realise.
    I am struggling with this, as most of my time goes in childcare and whatever left in the kitchen.. But I will try to implement what @1Sandhya has said - thank you! It was bang on spot!

    But that also brings up another question in me, @DDream, something mentioned in your earlier post...
    What really are my rights as a wife?
    It seems such an obvious thing, but I mean in the setting of husband working, wife not working-emotional issues-husband still provides the bare (even if just the barest) necessities..what are my rights, and more importantly, my duties, as wife? What can I refuse to do, without being wrong in refusing? For eg: he can act up with me, not tell me about going outside:where, for what, nothing, not even say bye before leaving house. (I can't do the same - no opportunity). This is disrespectful, even when you are fighting. I cannot retaliate, I cannot refuse to prepare his lunchbox for work saying your mom will take care...that will only create new issues.. There is very little I really do, dutybound, even when I suffer for my restrictions in the house..Where do I draw the boundary lines? The only line that can be drawn seems to be related to housework (which currently, is cooking and washing dishes predominantly) and it doesn't seem to be fair to refuse to do that...and live on his money...
    Correct me if I got this wrong..

    Hmm.. your grasp of the situation is perfect. However, even if I had wanted to do this, in the past, I was advised against doing this by parents..told to move and work on things constructively, not go tit for tat..
    You see, he has previously been comfortably detached from me for months together even when in-laws were not here..
    Wouldn't this just be like tit for tat?
    And to what purpose, it doesn't bother him any way...!
    Yet, it is one of m peeves, that he gets to chuck me out of his life at will and have me back if he wants..and irritates me that there seems to be nothing I can do about that, besides walking out of the relationship. :-\
     
  7. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Also an update..
    Tried doing the advice..and remembered that the simple act of praying for 15 min because I wanted to made me so happy during Navratri..

    So today, I prayed, because I wanted to. Made me feel good, even though half the time I was thinking about what they were going to say, or whether they were going to come and see what I was doing, why I was not taking care of the child etc.

    I also grabbed my headphones and played music while getting dinner on board. Managed to do a little jig too ;) It was fun. Nice...

    However, once again when H excluded me (he had made some purchases for the house with his dad which he came home and went to show his mom in the room, while I was sitting right in front giving LO dinner - and was casually ignored) my little bubble burst.
    Still, I guess its a step forward.

    I have been skipping a lot of meals lately, because I would give LO lunch/dinner, and they all would sit to eat only after LO is done - by which time, LO is due for nap.. and the unsaid rule is FIL eats first always.. I have been getting really angry about how uncaring they are and how it doesn't matter to them..
    I am thinking of packing a couple of boxes and eating along with LO, in case they don't come to eat on time.
    They are not going to like it. H is going to get mad, saying it's disrespectful, and MIL and FIL are probably going to cold-shoulder... Hmmmm. I am still going to do it. Telling it here, as a commit.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    Its really a positive thing that you can focus on you now. Its very liberating. Good start. What works for one may not work for other. Only you know what can work for you. Observe people and find their positives and weakness. Then use strategies that work in your situation. People will advice you do this if your want your husband or don't do that as husband will move away. Again focus is on husband not on wife who is expected to tolerate all nonsense. He is already away, what else can happen. Marriage works only when both of them work together as a team with love, care, understanding and respect. If not, it is just a marriage of convenience. It is also important to understand one's love language. The way you express or want love may be different for your dh. Lack of idea about it can complicate situation. Your dh may be thinking everything is alright while its not the case with you.

    But without doing something how one can say one method work or not as each everyone's situation is different. Fear is the biggest enemy of any revolution. Use trial and error method to find what is best for you. If no one care, why you should worry about others too much as long as you are doing your basic duty. Remember India got independence after lot of struggles. Its applicable to any person. If we can't do anything, accept the situation and find ways to be happy. Life is after all a pursuit of happiness.

    If you are hungry eat your food. Or eat something if the not the big meal with family. Tell some excuse like you are getting acidic , hungry etc. Don't care a bit if they respond badly to the situation. Don't skip food, that's not good for your health ( I will make a special dish for me and eat, if someone fight me over food, that's me- I prefer a special meal than skipping food). Find ways to deal with the situation in a smarter way without creating more problems.

    More strength to you.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
  9. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Very true!! And so unfair.

    [​IMG]

    This is what is happening.

    And after every calm period, when the tensions increase for whatever reason or perceived hurt, I get anxious - I want the calm! Which is pretty irrational..considering that there is no significant changes in my life whether things are calm or rocky!
    But this constant walking on egg-shells is so draining.

    Okay, vented.

    I am confused. H became better temporarily in response to wifely wiles - and that in itself was a big surprise to me, because it never used to be that way. Or was it because it was festival season around the corner?
    Diwali he was grumpy but I didn't bother too much and busied myself with my own family and friends, calling people (forcing myself to do it and wilfully ignoring the palpitations I was feeling)..and he continued to be nice..

    And then today, out of the blue, he got super angry and swallowed his anger and has been barely civil with me all day...why? Because he wanted to buy and cook nonveg at home today - and I asked him in a upset tone about me having to go for a long-overdue checkup today.. So now he is back to his churlish, snappy self.

    The confusion is this - how come suddenly he is understanding and supportive and nice and then suddenly so selfish..
    What am I missing here? I am struggling to understand his real form...

    Or is it really as simple as his wishes are met-->Dr.Jekyll, his wishes have to be modified--> Mr.Hyde?

    The best thing would be to talk to him about this, but obviously, he wont talk.
    And I'm tired of relaxing a bit only to be hit all over again (figuritively speaking).
    Nor does it make sense to be uptight and in my own world when he thaws - or is that what I should do??
    Very confused.

    Oh, and we are supposed to go out on a social engagement tomorrow - along with my MIL. If I refuse to, he will get angry saying I'm creating a scene. Even if I go, its going to be a namesake appearance, and I'll have the entire job of taking care of LO - no real enjoyment. And the only- and real reason why he wants me to come will be to show a normal face to the world, and obviously LO won't be there 2 minutes without me. I'm resenting this so much - again it feels like I'm simply living a puppet life.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Eat your food along with dd. Serve yourself in a seperate plate and eat. If someone objects,tell them you need to take care of dd after her dinner and then you do not get the time to eat properly.

    If I were in your place ,I would have printed that cycle of abuse poster and put in on the bathroom wall prominently and ticked the current stage of the cycle.
    No discussion on it ...just displayed prominently.
     

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