Struggling to let go and be peaceful. Please help!

Hi all,

I have been reading some of the posts here and feel I will get some peace by posting here. I got married about 1.5 years back, and am 26 years old now. We live overseas, but I m based in India.

DH and I were childhood friends, but later lost touch (his parents used to speak to us tho), and my parents immediately agreed when their parents approached us to get us married. DH is very very kind, soft spoken and patient with everyone. He has never spoken back, or been assertive ever in his life. When we got engaged (about 1 year before marriage, I was studying and we waited for me to finish and then get married), he has poured out to me, of how he has so much anger inside his heart by always giving in to maintain peace in the household. He has now calmed down, and feels better after speaking it out to me.

Some background: I stayed in my DH's place for a few months after engagement, before marriage, to save rent when I am studying. FIL is very generous and caring, but has a bad temper, so DH never created any problem, to avoid extra conflicts. My biggest problem even before marriage was my SIL. My family have known her for a long time, and she has always been dominating and attention seeking, and very lazy. She is around 34 now, but has never cooked (they live close by, and have a maid to cook and take care of her son), and is quick to delegate responsibilities to everyone around her. Even during my marriage, MIL and SIL were only speaking about SIL's wedding, her saree selection etc. SIL has a son, whom MIL loves to the end of the world and back. DH adores the child, and I love him too. SIL always cleverly escaped from all duties, leaving it to MIL and DH. DH is only slightly older than me, but never goes out with friends or anything. He has always been baby-sitting, taking the son out, looking after him when SIL and her DH go go out. SIL and her husband had a love marriage (been together for 6 years, married for 6 years), yet MIL always used to say, "They dont get time for each other, lets look after the kid when they go out during weekends". SIL's husband is equally lazy, and creates a fuss when someone asks him to do anything. My MIL was against their marriage, but SIL had been intimate with him for too long (ahem), so they had no choice. SIL was also adamant that she marries him.
I used to be frustrated, because we are newly engaged, still have a lot to know about each other, and would love to go out too, but always ended up baby sitting. I was still studying, DH worked long hours, and any time we wanted to go out during the weekend, MIL was angry that "I wanted DH for myself" and did not allow him to spend time with her grand son. Even if MIL keeps quiet, SIL instigates her and asks, "My son loves his uncle, wont she let him play with her?" I have never had problems with the child, but every weekend was a case of me giving in and not make any plans so we can look after the child. My MIL used to pull a long face, or stop speaking to me whenever DH and I made any plans to go out, etc.
SIL speaks sugary words, and expected DH to always care for her and solve her problems. Even when she and her DH have issues, My husband had to step in to solve, even though he is many years younger than them. SIL also always used to complain about her MIL who stays with her on and off, ("MIL wants me to wear thali, she doesn't let me go out with DH during weekends, my job is so bad") My DH had a worse job, every one knew but nobody used to tell her that. Always everyone did what they could to dance to her tunes.
I used to be very naive, and cry whenever MIL scolded me, or refused to speak to me, even if I took extra effort (I learned to cook from her in her style, I am very attached to her grandson, I select and buy special stuff for each and everyone wherever I go, I have never spoken back, even if am extremely angry, the most I would sit in the room and be quiet and wait for myself to calm down).

Now: After marriage:
My DH dotes on me like I am his child, and cares for me like they have never seen him care for anyone. SIL's husband always used to get annoyed, angry easily. He has never cared much for anyone except himself. Worst thing that happened was, a few days after our wedding, SIL's husband was diagnosed with cancer. MIL was always upset or hurt, and felt I was never doing enough. DH was also worried that things have taken such a bad turn. FIL wanted to go back to India, and was always shouting that he had the worst problems. I tried to find peace by going to temple, talking to my parents but always felt miserable. My MIL is basically a nice person, but loves her daughter and grand son blindly. Knowing all this, DH and I tried hard not to create extra problems, and I did my best by going to all hospitals, scans, cooking at home, taking care of their child when they are out. Yet, whenever DH and I found time to go out (I genuinely missed my time with him, and we always felt miserable at home), whenever we did any little thing for ourselves, SIL complained to my MIL that we are being selfish, and don't understand her plight, in the end MIL used to stop speaking to DH and me. I felt depressed, I was still looking for a job, dealing with all this, and every time SIL and MIL were together, they were hugging/crying, and never sharing anything with me. MIL loved my DH more when they were young, and SIL has always been insecure, so this was her chance to win over her mother. Because of all this, there was a huge argument at home, DH stood up for me, and since then, SIL convinced MIL that I have changed the DH. I honestly did not want to break DH's heart, or separate from his parents, so decided to give in more to maintain my own peace (and his). Till now, in spite of all that has happened, I make sure I bake for SIL's son, do whatever I can (financially or emotionally) to support her, and look after my MIL as my own mother (she fractured her foot and I looked after her to help her recover). My MIL is fine with me, we are good friends, and speak frankly with each other, and share our thoughts and feelings. But every time my SIL enters the picture, she messes up everything. At the end of the day, even though my SIL is faced with such a diagnosis of her husband (he is fine now, and back to work, but has mood swings due to his medicines), I cannot muster any sympathy for her because of the past. I continue supporting them as part of my duty, and because I do not want my parents to be disappointed in me.
Every time my MIL comes and says, "Poor SIL is facing so much at such a young age, her MIL is always so rude to her, and tells that she does not do enough", and she starts crying, I have no sympathy or tears. Inside me, I feel "Even I am young, within days of getting married, have been dealing with this, even before marriage, dealing with her issues only, and not like my MIL has supported me too" In fact when we had a fight, the first question my MIL asked my DH is "You are being too soft, be a man, shout at your wife and ask her to behave, has SIL's husband ever stood up for her?" I am unable to forgot the past hurt, and sympathize with them, though I act like I am concerned for my DH's sake, because he is the nicest person in the world. Is it wrong of me not to feel bad/sympathy that SIL is suffering? I definitely don't feel happy, but just numb/neutral. Sorry for the very long post. Thanks so much for reading/advising me. Best to you all.

 

Dear @sangeethakripa-

Thank you for your kind words I have always been so frustrated with SIL, for making everything only about her. Even during our first diwali, we have only one pic of hubby and me, the rest are all of her and her family, she made my DH take
I bite my teeth, act like I am concerned, and do what I can for them. Sometimes I am irritated with myself that I don't have any genuine concern. I work in science, and know how much patients suffer, yet I have little sympathy for her and her DH. Your words are reassuring.

 

Dear @maya9876,

I am really glad to have posted here and to see your reply. I have a sister who is married, but stays overseas, so she hardly gets to meet her in-laws, and she could not understand the frustration I feel. My DH tries his best, puts up with my rant, and stands up for me. He also asks me not to be bothered by them, and understands my situation. Yet, I am not able to be at peace, cause of all the past hurt. I agree I used to be very sensitive to what they say too, but I have changed a lot and do not expect anything from them. What I don't like is how she feels she is entitled to many things in life. She has had her in laws, my in laws, my DH, everyone to support her, yet cries that she feels alone. My MIL tells me, "it is because it is her, she puts up with this, anyone else would have left, I feel bad we made her marry him" which angered me even more. What kind of person leaves the marriage because her husband is sick? And SIL was firm that she will marry only him. Why blame the world when there is a problem? Previously she complained that she never gets time with DH, now she complains that all the time her DH is annoyed and angry because of his medications. My DH says he has not heard SIL be without complaining, even a single day. Whenever he questions her, MIL comes for support and says, "Who is there for her except us? her DH also is not supportive"
She compares me and my DH for every thing. My job, my salary, how well DH looks after me, I agree am very lucky he is mu Husband. Just because she decided to marry someone who always puts only himself first, why should I let it spoil my marriage? Most of the time, I am confused. Am I being selfish for wanting to spend time with my DH? Am I being a bad person (like they try to make us feel) for having my own plans? Finally should I feel more sympathy for her since her DH has a terminal illness? They have branded me as 'possessive' because I love being with my DH. I do go out with my MIL, even go out with my FIL. My SIL never goes out with anyone except her husband and my MIL. But nobody points that out as 'possessive'. She cleverly says her MIL has knee pain, so she does not want to spend on taxi 'on top of all the expenses'. Once DH clearly spoke with my MIL, that SIL is depending too much on us, and makes up an excuse for everything. MIL accused me of changing DH, and told DH, "Yes SIL is lazy, but I don't want anyone telling me that!" :shock: DH is very sensitive, and can easily get affected when someone faults him, for his mental peace, I put up with everything. MIL's ego, SIL's sweet talk. MIL is sweet to us on the days we take her grandson out, and show affection to him. Having been forced to do everything, now I just do everything as a duty, and have no love. :|

 

Dear @soulful,

Thank you for your words. I do not understand where I get the patience from, as well. I know that SIL is going through a lot, but I cannot connect or relate to her, because there is so much pressure for me to 'be nice and be her friend'. If we ever distance ourselves, MIL cries, and creates a scene and says, "I am worried for SIL, she has nobody but me. What will she do after my time?" It is not like we are going to ignore, or cut contact from them. I am not sure if a mother's perspective is different. But so far, I have not seen SIL say even once, "Don't worry about me, I will try to handle". Very tired, and thinking about this exhausts me.

 

Dear @Denni,

I totally understand what you mean. Every now and then, I think of my own family and start crying. Since I got married, I have not seen my sister's kid even once (the kid was 1 y/o then, and is 2.5 now, they live overseas). Thankfully, my parents visited me twice, and i have managed to maintain my sanity. When I even mention about going on a trip, the first thing MIL says is "SIL has had a bad year, first we all should plan a family trip with her and the child." Because my family is in a different country, I cannot say/do anything. DH understands and has promised he will set things right.

Also, I know what you mean about husband being manipulated. When we got married, first thing SIL told me was, "DH is very sweet, we did not want a DIL who will take advantage of him, we wanted someone submissive and hence we chose you" I was thoroughly offended. Since SIL is in a 'weaker' position now(according to my MIL: she has a bad job, poor salary, her Husband down with an illness, and she has a bad MIL), anything DH and I say is seen as insensitive and selfish. But for the last few years, I honestly feel that it is they who are exploiting him (and am not the bad DIL). If SIL's husband was diagnosed earlier, I feel they would not have arranged to get him married but keep him at home to look after the family.
But we did one thing that gives me the hope that things will change. We applied for a house, it is still under construction. Once when we had an argument, FIL mentioned, "We ll buy you a separate house so your parents can also come and stay with you plus DH has some benefits with house buying, it is an asset for you both" I hung on to that word, and did not let it go. But every time we reminded FIL, he got angry and shouted at us for bringing more problems. We spoke to my parents, and after much contemplation, we told the ILs that we found a good deal, and we are planning to apply for it. FIL was very unhappy, he told us he will certainly buy us one in the future, and this one is far from SIL's place and did not speak to us for a few days. MIL was angry with DH, "You have grown up now, you do not want to stay with us". I felt bad that I am creating trouble within his family, but I feel I have been patient and been giving in, and it has to end somewhere or I will go crazy. They do have plans of going back to their native place soon (and come to visit us every year), so it is not like we decided to abandon them. My MIL made up a story about how her friend's DIL separated the family, cut contact etc, to which I did not react. Even now, I have no plans of cutting contact, or not doing for them. I am more than happy to contribute and take them out, plan their vacation, look after them when they are old, but am very sick of being made to dance to their tunes. SIL and her DH stayed with her parents for a few years, FIL and her DH did not get along, SIL's DH told them outright, "You both are always controlling me, I cannot be here" (even though he was not even working then) and they moved out.
My DH and I don't complain or speak back, and help MIL with all the work during weekends, so I think FIL is hesitant to let us go. I told my DH honestly that I cannot stay near SIL's house and baby-sit and cook during weekends.
MIL and FIL do not have much understanding, each want their own way, but against us, the whole family (including SIL) gets together. Even now, they are unhappy with our decision. My parents came here, and visited the site and said it is beautiful. They are eagerly waiting to come and be with me, after a long time. My FIL did not say anything (he kept quiet the whole time). MIL said, "It is really a nice place, can bring the grandson here every weekend to play". No surprises there.