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Struggeling with 5 year old....

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by SERIZA, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. SERIZA

    SERIZA New IL'ite

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    I am a single working mother struggling to discipline my 5 year old daughter. We live in a small flat behind my mom's house, so during the day she is at school and at night she is 99% of the time with my mother and gran. The problem is, we are 3 different people in the house trying to discipline her. I would say no to something, my mom would ask why not and my grandmother would give it to my daughter without my permission, because according to her I'm a bully. I know I do have a temper, and my 5 year old too, and that is maybe why we don't get along. When she is at school or with her father and his family, everybody tells me how wonderful and disciplined she is, yet, when she is with me, it's the complete opposite. If I say no, she ignores me. If I want to say hello (hug & kiss) when I pick her up from school, she hits me or grabs me in my face. She tells me she doesn't like me or she hates me or that I'm nasty, ect. This goes on from the moment I wake her up in the morning until we go to bed at night. I tried spanking when needed, the "time out" method, taking away her favorite toys or refusing to listen to her when she wants something. I have tried being nice. But giving her everything she asks for is not going to help. People (family) around me think I'm a bully. I don't know what to do anymore. I sometimes feel I could hurt her when she is like that, and then I just turn around and ignore her. She is actually very sweet and loving when she wants to be. I just feel like a complete failure and I can not take the criticism anymore. I work all day and then get home to a screaming 5 year old. Any advise on how to handle this??
     
  2. spuppala

    spuppala Gold IL'ite

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    hi Seriza,

    Welcome to IndusLadies!
    I congratulate you on the effort you are putting to manage both personal and work life together..That's itself proves that you are very hard working ,patient and organised.

    Moving to the crux of your post,did you ever try finding out what are your baby's likes and dislikes?What is that which is turning off her mood ?May she is seeking your company and not ready to accept your absence ?Is she not able to get along with your parents or in laws whoever else in the family?May be she is longing for more attention and care form you?What about the bond with her father?Are you both spending quality time with her?May be she has seen her friends spending time with their parents ?

    Try to have a day out with her and observe how she is behaving..Watch out for the ups and downs of her mood in your presence and absence...This analysis may help you to find out the root cause of her behaviour..
     
  3. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Seriza,

    The first thing you need is time with your daughter.

    Work on what you want from your relationship with your daughter...and make the neccessary changes. Hitting does not teach her anything. You won't achieve anything except reiterate your position of authority in a conflict. But your child knows that already-which is why she is challenging you.

    Define grandparents' role so that there is no power struggle. Your daughter is gettting mixed messages there. If you decide on a particular way of handling her then everyone has to follow your plan. But make sure you can follow through with what you say...if you can't, don't say it.

    If she says something that is hurtful, acknowledge her feelings...you are angry because you don't like...don't try to get into an emotional match with her...she is young and will not be able to look at your point of view or your troubles right now. As hurtful as it maybe, don not repsond to her 'I hate you' message. Just be neutral and say something like, "I'm sorry you feel like that...or... some days are like that."

    You have listed all the negative reinforcements...what about the positive ones which encourage her to repeat the behaviors you want? Positive reinforcement is not giving her everything she wants...

    For a period of time try not to expect hugs and kisses...sometimes you have to give the child a little room to develop a bit far to bring them back. Focus on building an honest and respectful relationship first.

    Good luck
     

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