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State Of Confusion...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Samantha111, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. Samantha111

    Samantha111 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends....Need help as my mind has stopped working. I am a well educated girl.i was doing extremely well career wise and I had many friends before marriage. We had a love marriage. My husband was earning less than me but still parents liked him and we went ahead. His mom behaved weired right from the time I met her. She told my husband that she likes me but she was very cold to me and my family. She did some drama at the time of marriage and because of that there were many fights between me and my husband. We came to US after marriage. I couldn't work for some months initially coz I had applied for my work permit. My husband used to hate it that I am not working and he is doing all the hard work . He used to come home all angry and there were times when he slapped me . He would then start hitting himself and would start crying out loud. I used to get very scared looking at al this. Then the next few days would be all good. When I started working..His parents came to stay with us and they made me a servant who would go go office in the mornings and do all the household chores for them till late night and they would watch tv . There were days when we used to go out but his mother would not let us eat out at the restaurants and she would insist that we should go home and eat and I would then enter the kitchen and make food for them. And FIL would just keep finding faults in my food and he would eat as if he is being forced to eat. It's been 8 years. I am shattered from inside. I have no feelings left for my husband. They try and find faults in everything that I do. I got a promotio...my salary increased and my husband got jealous and worried that I might start doing better than him and the situations at home forced me to leave my job coz no one was there to take care of my kid.i live in the house all by myself. He is mostly not there ..He travels mostly...when he is at home ..He is busy in his own world.he loves to play with the kid when ever he is around....I am very bitter from everything that has happened. I am low on confidence so much so that if I am talking to my own relatives...I would start getting nervous in front of them...I can't even communicate properly...I have lost interest in everything....He would force me to sleep with him..I didn't sleep with him since so many years coz I feel used when he touches me..but now..After many years last week he tried touching me..I refused and he started getting all emotional..He started crying and I had to give in....He got what he wanted...that is what he does...He travels.he loves his job....when he is at home ..He gets to do what he is wants and I am stuck...I don't know what to do...I am looking for a job but can't find one...job scene has become really bad...He calls me a burden ..He says that I am lazy..when I am angry he says that I keep nagging.i am a negative person erx etc... He says that I can't get a long with anyone...I am feeling very down...I don't know what to do..God please show me the right way...plz...
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    I am afraid that you are married to a nutter. Make sure that you take all measures not to get pregnant, and further that gene propagation. Good luck to you.
     
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  3. Bhaskaran

    Bhaskaran Silver IL'ite

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    Hi friends....Need help as my mind has stopped working.
    MIND - DELUSIONS - think - cannot think; she
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just forget about your husband. Completely forgot about him. This is your life.

    Think about you and your kid. For you and your kids, you need to take care of yourself right?
    Don't worry about his words or anything, all those are not matter to you now. You are already falling out of love with him. So don't use your heart and use your mind and see what is the best things for you.

    Don't worry about the past and don't worry about what happened and don't run the movie in your mind. Look forward and look for tomorrow and see what things you can do to improve your life and makes you happy.

    I am sure you can find a job and believe yourself and you can do wonders.
     
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  5. Twofeathers

    Twofeathers Bronze IL'ite

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    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...from what you are saying I think he is manipulative and abusive to you. Try to find a job, any job - it is xmas season here so you should be able to find something. Even with baby care if you are breaking even, you need to take a break. Men like your husband, isolate you from the world, break your confidence and then abuse you. Don't let him do that. Meet people and get mentally confident by getting in touch with the person that you were and the person you are inside. Like the other person mentioned, do not get pregnant and do not let him touch you if you do not want to. He is using crying as a tool (which is very weird an immature - but nevertheless manipulative) to manipulate you. Let him cry till he has no tears left - tell him to man up and walk away. I have always felt being honest about your thoughts and feelings is the best way in the long run. Try to change your world one step at a time. The above is just a short term solution. Hopefully you fill find the right job and the next step will open up by itself. You will grow into it. But by not doing anything you are not growing and effecting change. Hope my input helps.
     
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  6. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Are you still in US and not finding the job? Are you on H4 visa and that's the reason you not finding a job? If that's the case and when he says that you are lazy and not doing anything, tell him that you would like to work too so you guys should move to Canada or some other country where you can work as don't want to be a "burden" (if that's the word he uses).

    Also don't fall for his crying. Manipulative people use it as a tool when they need it and they won't support you even if you cry. I made a wrong decision when the abusive guy I was talking to cried to me and because of it I decided to continue in the relationship and eventually it ended very bad. But now after months, I feel lucky that I didn't get married to him.

    As others said, don't use your emotions to make a decision now, use your mind. I have experienced same things where they try to isolate you from the world, break your confidence by blaming you for everything and his family would support him in his behavior.
     
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  7. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear please take counselling from a therapist to get back yourself and deal with this later..
     
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  8. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Samantha,
    Sorry to hear bout the state ur in right now. From what I've written i feel u need to meet a counsellor cos you seem on the verge of depression. Speak to your parents or someone who really cares about you regarding the situation. Life has been tough on you but what's over is over. Get some job even if not perfectly suited to you, so that u are able to have a change of atmosphere. Get childcare if it's required, even if it involves much of you salary so that your child is well cared for. Your child won't benefit from having a depressed mom, go out and build up your confidence. Speak to positive people and don't let your husband's views crowd your whole identity. You are someone special and the least you should give yourself importance too. Take care of yourself..
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Are you in US. He is abusing you. Next time when he raise his hand to hit you, talk in a calm voice, that you will call 911 if he do that and be ready to face the consequences. Be strong. Dont allow anyone to treat you like a doormat. Do you have work permit. If so, try to find a job, however small it is, and be independent. Can you consider counseling . Your insurance may cover it. Search in google if you have volunteering opportunity in your area. If so, get out of home and use it as as opportunity to interact with others and gain back your confidence. It may also help you to find a job. Find a daycare to take care of your child.

    Forget about PILs or DH, focus all your energy on you. Gain back your self esteem and confidence. Find ways to be happy and peaceful. Never sacrifice your life, career, and happiness for someone who dont deserve it. Be little bit selfish this time.

    Regarding his comments, you can do an introspection and check whether anything is right. If so, try to correct it. I think you became a very negative and bitter person due to whatever happened in your life. He is depending on you for sex and not going anywhere else. That's a good thing. If you want to be in this marriage, denying sex is not going to do any good. So tell him, if he want sex he has to satisfy your emotional needs and treat you with love and respect. What do you want -stay in this marriage or leave. Ask yourself. Your answer will guide you on what to do.
    Whatever it may, try to be a positive person. Be strong. No one is going to come there to help you, you have to help yourself. Take control of your life in your hands
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
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  10. Samantha111

    Samantha111 Senior IL'ite

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    Yeah..I am taking all the precautions..My husband is selfish and I have realised it. All that he thinks about is himself...I have to learn to be practical coz I keep thinking about his deeds and I am getting depressed...I am trying to make changes at home and I have started going for morning walks and I feel good that I am doing that instead of sitting at home and crying the whole day.
     

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