Sometimes Things Have To Go Sour To Appreciate The Sweetness ?

Good Morning Ladies.
How have you all been doing?
Most of you might have gone through my earlier thread here.

For those of you who did not go through my earlier thread, here's a brief.
My in-laws walked all over my life. One day I was given some gyan by my DH to stand up for myself and that he'd support me. so did I and never looked back.
I have already mentioned that it hurts me to be like this - to say NO to certain things, to take chances where I should but if I dont do this, no one else will do this for me.

However, the present story is:

When we visited India in December, we traveled to my in-laws village. It was an overnight train journey. FIL has already gone to the village to make some arrangements for the upcoming wedding.
The moment we boarded the train DD did some mischief and I scolded her. As usual my MIL interfered and said, "Who are you to scold my grand kid. You should work on your temper".
We were travelling as a joint family . At this point DH sent DD to his nephew who was sitting at the other end of the compartment.
I then replied to MIL, "She is born to DH - your beloved son. He alone cannot give her birth because his body is not made for that. Now can you please tell me who else was involved with him to bring this child into this world? Its gross to talk like this, but I have reached a point where I just don't care anymore. So yes, tell me who was he with, because of which DD is here."
She was shocked and did not say anything. I said, "Lets talk to each other gain when you have an answer for my question" and went on my berth and slept off. DD and DS and their cousins slept too.
At 3:00 am I wake up to use the washroom and see this lady sitting, when she was expected to sleep.

Earlier I used to go and ask her if she was okay and why was she not sleeping and if she needs anything etc. But now I did not speak, I used the washroom, checked on the kids and slept off.
At 5:00 am DH woke me up saying we are getting closer to the destination. I woke up and brushed and ordered tea. While we were all having tea, MIL woke up and said that her tummy hurts. We asked her if she would like some tea, she said No. When we reached the station where we have to get off, MIL refuses to stand up saying she cannot stand and her tummy hurts.
FIL came to receive us at the station.
Me and other DIL were getting the sleepy children down - one by one - 6 kids.
While DH and his brothers were getting the luggage down.
MIL still refuses and move and says she wants me and only me to lift her and help her to get off the train.
I refused and told her sons that she is their responsibility and they should help their mom to get off the train if she is too sick to do it herself.
Somehow she managed to get down and was sitting on the platform because she could no more stand.
I was worried at this point and took her to the doctors. DH, me and MIL went to the docs at 5:00 am leaving the kids with DH's bro.
Doc suspected kidney stones and gave some medicines.
We come home after that. I feed her breakfast because she cannot eat by herself as the pain is acute.
I give her a sponge bath and change her clothes. All the while both the other DIL were enjoying mehendi and shopping. I wanted to do that too, but I felt bad for my MIL who was looking forward to participate int he wedding ceremonies.

Same story happened during a wedding. She said her tummy hurts and she cant go to the wedding and wanted me to stay back and help her. FIL said that I should probably help MIL. This time I refused and said why only me ? why not the other DIL. No one has an answer for that. Later the bride has to be dressed up. I was very excited because I have known the bride from a very long time.
FIL point blank denies my involvement and calls only the elder DILs to dress up the bride, saying I dont know anything.
It hurt me a lot and I avoided anything to do with FIL and MIL and kept to myself - played with little nieces and nephews and my own kids of course. The night after wedding MIL again complained of tummy ache.

This time I urged the sons and FIL to take her to the docs.
MIL did not want to go with the sons - because she thinks they are changed.
As my FIL would usually do - delay , delay and more delay - They went to the docs a week after we left India.
After all the checkups, it looks like a kind of cancer, pretty big 7.5 cms.
The treatment is yet to be confirmed. We are waiting for the details now.
Since the day I got the news, Am talking to her every morning and every evening.
She is scared like a baby. I am treating her like one and giving her as much courage as I can.
Talking to her about how medicine has improved and how she should take courage from different people in our family. I have been telling her to stay strong and to believe. I told her when there is faith (in God) you should not be scared. If you are scared that means you dont trust 100%, and things sucha s this to keep her from worrying too much.
After all, we are yet to know the full details of her cancerous lump and its treatment.
Some days she is talking to me, some days she is shut off from all the calls. I respect her privacy. Its normal for someone to behave this way when they are given such a huge news.

I was super busy at work and could not speak to her in the last two days, however, DH has been keeping in regular touch with in-laws.

Last night I called her while I packed my lunch for today. She spoke for a few minutes and said that she missed speaking to me everyday. She said that she keeps thinking of our good old days and keeps wondering if those days would come again where she and I used to go shopping together and have street food together, those days when we used to get up early and have our morning tea together.
she said she was sorry for everything and she said that she was growing old and feels neglected sometimes. She said she is unwell and would appreciate some attention.
I told her I can come if she wants me to. But she said No. She said DH and kids need me here and that its important that I take care of my kids and my health. She asked me about the weather and asked me to be extra careful with my pollen allergies in the changing weather conditions. She said she did not realize that I was going above and beyond my capacities to make her feel good - whenever she lived with us. she said that she realized she had a daughter but from a different mother. And it took her so long to appreciate that.
She said she decided to call me friend, rather than DIL because I have always been her friend in understanding her mood and act accordingly, in remembering her little wishes and fulfilling them and in listening to her every single time she had to rant about anyone in the family and keeping all her rants to myself without exposing her rantside to the world.
She said she wishes me well and that she wants to see me and have a tea with me while I talk about how naughty i was as a kid.

It was bittersweet. I had tears when I was speaking to her.
I missed my mom so much and my MIL, for once, spoke to me like my mum, after so many years.

It hurts me that I am not being able to be with her when she needs mental support. DH wanted to go right away but FIL and BIL are saying that its better to go when there is more clarity on the situation. They all said, "Its not easy for her to handle 2 little kids and a job in a foreign land, so come when there is extreme need to come. "

It felt good to welcome the sweetness after the sour experiences - both for them and for me.

 

Thanks JAG for the response.

Unfortunately, I have been a good friend of cancer that it comes so close to me every time I bid goodbye.
I lost my dad to Cancer.
I am suspected to have BC. Have a few tests in the forth coming months.
Lost a very very close friend to cancer.
Now my MIL.

So I kind of know what it is to deal with it. I believe that the disease is half mental and half physical.
For my MIL, its more of the scare than anything. She confirms that there is no pain. she is scared and is seeking some words of truth and spirituality to calm her down. Hence my response.
However, I partly agree with the post you shared but every story is different, every person is different - just like how every cancer is different - one general post will not address the varied emotions and needs.
If my post makes it appear like I am judging here,then probably I should work on my writing skills - I am not judging her whatsoever. Just trying to give her another perspective.

 

Thank you @guesshoo Yes I am glad too , for MIL finally acknowledged some facts, but I did not wish or expect to hear anything ill for her.

 

Thank you @GoneGirl.
May be the need of the hour is to think positive(for myself) and send positive vibes to MIL.
I am glad she managed to utter the word sorry. At that age, with that news, its not easy, I realized.

I have decided to let go of the old issues and just see what I can do to help her. Good or bad, thats my extended family and I cannot see anyone in such situation.

Its good to know that she thinks she can emotionally depend on me, which in itself is a big win for me.
I told her that I am just a call away and will be next to her in less than one day, should there be a need.

I am not sure what to expect in my scans and tests. I know what MIL is going through because I myself am going through that. I work, I have kids - so the distraction is more but for her - she has all the time in the world to think about it.
I have decided to live happy and keep my people happy as much as I can without killing my self respect and make as many memories as I can - Just in case there is anything not so positive, and I don't have much time left.
Dont want to be remembered as anything but "Oh her! that smiling face and genuine care"

 

Thank you so much for your response. I am glad things turned out well for us. What you said is absolutely right - appreciate others' efforts. I never told my mum how much I love her, I always thought she knows it so there is no need to explicitly tell her - When I fell in love, I learnt that there is joy in appreciating someone , joy in being able to communicate what you feel for them - but my mom is no more.
Now, I don't want to repeat this, ever again - be it DH, kids, in-laws, anyone.