SIL problem causing depression

tanoshii · Feb 20, 2012

PS. Learning to love yourself is not a difficult thing dear. I know that from my own experience.
The regrets and the frustrations I had built up were like a wall around me preventing me to see the real me!! It felt like I was becoming a person I myself did not recognise. My fears and tensions were eating me up from inside.
Once I let go of it all and started realising how generous any person could be, even me, I pleasantly surprised myself. Everybody has some or the other weakness that causes it to surface as insecurities. As much as your SIL or her parents think they are going to lose their son to you, your own insecurity to see him tilt the other way and the fear of causing a rift between you two might be stopping you from accepting what can be made easier. NOT entirely easy, but easier than what it is now.

Am sure you too are capable of the generosity to make things better for all of you dear. I did that really late in my life. You start now. All the best.

rinkikhanna22 · Feb 20, 2012

Guys, I can’t tell you how much you people have done for me! I had lost all the self-esteem and always felt that I am not able to adjust with ILs family in which everybody loves each other so much, coz everybody held me responsible for all the rifts happening within the family.. My husband always thought that I plan to create differences b/w him and his sister. Though I always defended my position but I had started doubting myself.

Just because of you all, I am now ready to make a new start. I was very fun loving, full of life, before marriage, I am a completely changed person now. I need to again start believing in myself. I have also talked to a marriage counselor in consent with my husband, though he thinks I am unnecessarily trying to create issues by doing all this. But more than anything else, I need to improve myself and get stronger. And, the counselor might also succeed in showing my husband some of his mistakes. But I am hopeful that something good will happen!

You all have given me so much strength in the hardest phase of my life! I truely wish for you all a life full of happiness...God bless you!

tanoshii · Feb 21, 2012

Rinki,

That is the spirit. Don't bother if the counsellor points out your husband's mistakes or not. If your husband has agreed to go that is a big thing in itself. Its not that people with problem alone should go for counselling. It can tell us a lot about the other person that we'd not have known ourselves. So wish you the best and you'll have better times soon.

littlelost · Feb 21, 2012

Hi Rinki,

I read your post and my first thoughts---whats really going on in this family?? Sister sleeping in the same room as you both?? Will she let your husband sleep in the same room after she is married?? And your in laws encouraging her behavior is just plain weird.

I don't get it why they are all blaming you for causing rift, they must be out of their minds. In my opinion, the SIL is used to being the center of attention and is quite spoiled. Though she has a BF and a life of her own, she is so immature that she cant take her brother being happy and setting up his life, a total psycho.It is sad that your husband seems to go on with this weirdness.

No matter what anyone says or thinks--you know what you are and who you are, don't let anyone take that away from you. I am not asking you to start arguing or try making them see reason--I guess you have already tried doing that. Just don't believe all the nonsense they try to pin on you. You don't have to call or talk or do what your FIL or SIL expect, your husband is free to do what he pleases, but just as he can do what he wants, you don't need to do what causes you so much pain, right? As others say, once she is married, she might leave you guys alone .Hope professional help helps you.

Okay, going back to you--keep yourself occupied. Finish the exam you are preparing for, if it helps to distract you, go out to a library and study, a change of scene, getting out of the house might help. Think of the exam as boosting your chance to get a job, or even if not, passing that exam is going to increase your confidence.

In the year or so I lived with my abusive husband, I passed 3 of the 4 CPA exams. I have a career in IT and I had no intention of a career path change, but just passing those exams did wonders for my confidence. Do things you like to do, do you have hobbies you can pursue?

My point is focus more on you, rather than thinking of SIL. The more you think about her and how she is affecting you, the worse it would get. So start with focusing on you and your happiness.

silvertulip · Feb 21, 2012

Hi Rinki..take care of urself 1st. In this situation u r ur 1st priority! Your ILs & DH are there for ur SIL and right now ur DH is baised towards ur SIL thinking u want to create rift. Better be indifferent to them right now and let ur DH to the talking to ur ILs & SIL. If u feel like calling them, call else don't if u dont want to. Pay attention to ur studies, ur hobbies and get a life of ur own. For ILs, do as u feel is required, and not much. If they say they want a DIL like a daughter, say u also want to be their daughter and want them to be ur parents. Ask them "won't u support me in my career plans like u support my SIL?" If ur DH raises ny issue, tell him in same tone. Don't be angry, be calm and cool in ur replies. You have to sweet as advised by other members in the forum. You need to manipulate girl! Its high time!
Next time if he insists on being close to his sis, tell him that u r doing what is right. Ask him that if he is so much concerned abt his sister then will he go and stay with his BIL and sister after their marriage? Ask him how his BIL will feel if he sleeps with his BIL & his sis! Tell ur DH that his concern for his sis wont be good for her married life in future. While telling all this sound genuine and concerned (don't lose ur temper, be sweet).
And if ur DH calls u with ur SIL's name, tell him if he thinks u as his sister, he shouldn't sleep with u! Remind him that u r his wife!