Should I Walk Out Of Marriage? Advice Plz..

Money in marriage is always really challenging, BUT I think that it is especially difficult for women who had been working and are dependents to their husband after marriage. I struggled when I had to quit my job and become a dependent right after marriage. I had student loans and a car loan, not a huge amount of money, but it was a surprise to my husband and his family so there was a pressure to "contribute" to the family ASAP. Anyhow, I did get a job, and that is all the past. My family dynamics are a whole lot different, so I won't bore you with the details, since it's not applicable with your situation.

During this initial time, I made a concerted effort to spend money on my in-laws and make them feel cared for (they stayed with us in the US, for the first 3 months of marriage) - I used my personal savings for this, and encouraged my husband to spend on them, since some of the experiences they would have in the US may be once in a lifetime. Mind you, my in-laws are very miserly (so is my husband), but they know better than to ask me to provide for them. What I noticed, is my in-laws really ended up liking me, because I would take care of them and give them some conveniences that their son did not think to do. I would suggest family trips and experiences, that made them feel the benefits of having a daughter in the family. My husband appreciated that I was welcoming (our issues did not stem from MIL/FIL money problems) toward his parents and I think it would have helped forge a strong relationship. Like I said, my situation was different, but I think you could try something similar with your husband and in-laws. Make them feel welcome and happy, be generous toward them, and once you have a stronger relationship with your husband AND your in-laws, you can find a way to reduce the amount of financial support your husband provides to them.

My husband did not spend anything on me during our first year of marriage, unless it was traditionally required to (like Diwali clothes). I bought clothes and even toiletries with my personal savings. We only had a TV, because somehow my husband bought it before marriage (for reasons I don't know, because he doesn't watch tv and discourages me from watching). I totally understand the frustration you feel but I also understand that trying to demand attention from your husband would backfire on you. Be the gracious host to your in-laws and be kind to your husband (you don't have to be loving and emotionally attached), and let your husband make the move to spend on you. If you want to try dropping hints (but Indian men are notoriously bad at hints), you could tell him to try taking the love language quiz together. This might help both of you understand what the other needs to feel loved.

 

OP, I can understand your confusion and frustration.
But what can you do ? keep arguing and fighting ? Believe me, that will not help you in any way or this situation.

"My husband gets too defensive in arguments and can be very hurtful to defend himself. ."

Many men are like that, including my husband (It took me years to understand how to handle the situation) . What you can do is to avoid those situation by walking away or diverting yourself. Talk or discuss only when both of you can talk in calm way. Make him well aware that his actions can be very hurtful to you. Slowly make him understand you are not here to argue but to discuss. If he cannot talk in calm or respectable way, don't talk. If he cannot listen, don't talk ( these are my conditions). You don't have to be in the receiving end of hurtful arguments. The moment he starts fighting ...go away from the scene, even if he makes your blood boil. That will give him the message that you are not going tolerate this nonsense any more. To win the verbal war, people may say so many illogical arguments which don't make any sense.

Respect yourself. Give yourself enough time to come out of it, till then go on silent mode.

It will be better if you stop talking about money, his family or any sensitive subjects.. talk about yourself only and think about improving your relationship in all levels. Focus on you two.

I am sure your dh is well aware of this situation and the greediness of his family. But he dont want to admit it to you. Let him say 'NO' to them himself. He will do it for sure, if not now.

Wait till then. Have lot of patience. Try to build a good relation with his family members

Dont depend on your dh for happiness. Only you can make you happy. Good luck.

 

Why only women has to be patient, sacrifice, compromise when her biological clock is ticking? Struggle whole life to gain love and trust from greedy in laws and spineless husband? I know many women with similar problems they are still facing same problems even after 20 years of married life.

OP
I would strongly suggest you to involve your family and discuss your problems openly otherwise in few years you will feel trapped\dead end with same or more problems with kids in miserable marriage. Now is the time to take action. I assume you are still young, you have education, work experience. Read many posts how women are stucked in bad marriages with kids and no other option because they are defendant on their husband.

 

You can read good tips and articles here

 

Hi All,

just wanted to share a personal issue and seeking your advice at this crucial point.

I am married for last 2 years and now my marriage is on the verge of breaking up.... for no fault of mine.

It was an arranged set up and both of us were from respectable families and background and made a great pair. The only aspect on which i compromised was that he was earning little less than me.

During our first night I came to know that he couldn't keep up his erection and has dysfunction issue. I thought that its pure anxiety issue and it will heel over time. But it never got cured.... I asked him to consult doctors, but he was always on denial mode and kept saying that he will consult one. It took me over 8 months to take him for his 1st doctor visit, but one or other thing came up and he never took medication and made excuses. I never discussed this with anyone on the family... thinking he might feel bad and since this being a personal issue we will solve it on our own.

In between all this, my relation with him got deteriorated due to over interference and nagging nature of my in laws. They always bitched about me with him when I am not there (i work more time than him). They made him believe that i don't care for them and I don't like them. My mother in law is a very manipulative lady and she has spoiled many homes in past due to her complaining and bitching nature... My husband is a mumma's boy and believes every word his mother has to say. He even discuss every minute thing which I say to him with his mom. She started putting poison in my husband' mind about me and my family. They would try to find faults in everything which i do and discuss in a meeting. When i would return home every evening, my husband would start fighting with me.I used to literally cry every night due to one thing or other over which they have fought with me. Eventually they started to demand money from me and wanted to handover my savings accounts to them. I denied. This lead to daily fights.

I have a very strong character, wise and calm personality, independent, practically perfect in every aspect of domestic life, very organized and very professional. But I have failed in my married life completely, just because I never spoke up for my self and let my mother in law become the controlling factor.

Now this was getting more than for me to handle... Eventually only last month I told about my husband's impotence issue to his and my parents. For few times he tried this medicine (mild form of viagra) but still couldn't maintain relation and have successful intercourse.

When I discussed this issue again with my in laws they said... you haven't given him your salary so he couldn't love you maybe that's why he can't maintain the relation !!!!

I am at fault everywhere.... WHAT SHOULD I DO LADIES??????

As of now i don't have guts to divorce him and move out. I definitely wants to continue my life with him but can't stand presence of my mother in law in my married life. Should I go the legal way???

 

If your marriage has not been consummated,file for annulment of marriage on the basis of non consummation.
He can neither stand by you nor give you a real married life.
Cut your losses. You are an educated independent woman ,you don't have to take this.
Had your marriage been fine other than sex....you could have tried going for help from doctors but this looks like a complete waste of your life.
Don't waste you life. You have just one life.

Meet a lawyer.

 

Next time they say that ,tell them prostitutes need to be given money for sex ,not husbands.

 

Your case is exactly similar to my friends life. Her MILS also demanded salary etc. She involved her relatives, parents, every one in this case. It helped. She never yielded to their demands and never handed over her salary. This is what she said. "If she know how to earn a job she knows how to manage her money. She is an adult "

Finally started living with her husband away from PILs. There was also some sexual issues, but mild one. But staying away from PILS helped every thing. They are now leading a happy life with their daughter. Will this work for you.

But if your marriage is not consummated yet and if this issue is severe, better get out of marriage soon than staying there for ever [See many posts on IL forum on how girls were trapped in asexual marriages]. But don't handover the salary to them. If you do so, you will lose your power. They will start controlling you more. You can definitely contribute money . But all your accounts and finaces should be controlled by you. You dont have to share this with your PILS, ever. Talk to your parents .

Be strong. Stand up for yourself. If you dont do that now, you will not get many chances. There will be tough times, but everyone will stop once they feel that their demands wont work on you.They will blame you for everything, dont fall into that trap. But always give respect and take respect even when you talk to them.

"you haven't given him your salary so he couldn't love you" -What a funny statement ?

 

To the OP, I just wanted to make you aware that low Testosterone levels can almost never be accurately measured by one blood test. Briefly, the body produces this hormone in cycles which itself fluctuates due to the circadian rhythm(night routine) of the body. The testes release this hormones every 15 minutes or so. So unless you have had a test where blood was drawn every 15 minutes - no one can accurately comment if someone actually suffers from low testosterone levels. There are various body functions that are effected by t including concentration and focus. From what I know, the treatment for it is simple enough. The male is injected regularly with this hormone - may this is cheaper to get done in India when you visit next time for a trial ?

OP and @Savi181 - It is a bit unclear from your post if you have never had intercourse. But usually, if a young-ish man doesn't get an erection with a woman, may be his sexual orientation isn't straight. Have you thought on this line ? Lack of testosterone doesn't guaranteedly mean there will be no erection. A lot of males aren't able to produce enough semen as a lack of this hormone - but have plentiful erections.