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Should i forgive and forget?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by smeera30, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. smeera30

    smeera30 New IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    I would like to get advice from e-friends here.

    Here is my story.

    I got married into a joint family. My husband has got 2 elder brothers. Both co-sis are cousins and so all members are living like a big family. I am the only outsider.
    Elder co- sis is a very broad minded person. She will crack jokes, talk about everything under the sky without even thinking about it. She will come half dressed from the bathroom, tie her pants in front of all.Shewill sit besides my hubby and talk and talk. I used to get irritated that hubby is giving her more attention. She will guide him. Husband is a loving guy and a good father to my two daughters.My daughters are just 6 years old and 4 years old.
    We used to visit the family only during vacations. But each vacation my co - sis will make all my husbands fav dishes and i wl feel she is trying to rope him in. She will talk to all males without any hesitation. Crack all foul jokes.No limitations in front of anyone. Even my second co - sis does not like this habit of hers but she will tell behind her back. My dislike will be seen on my face.
    My co- sister and we had gone to a foreign place for a vacation. We had gone to a water park where she came just in her bra and pants in front of my hubby. This whole episode irritated me to the core. I was very upset but my elder bro in law did not tell her anything.
    She will always tell me that my husband is suffering a lot as he has got 2 daughters. She will tell my small daughters also that my husband has taken lots of loan.She went to the astrologer to ask if my husband will have a son.
    She will not like if i cook, if someone praises me. She will tell bad about me to all members especially to her mom.Her mom will spread this to everyone in native. Most of the cousins in native think i m bad, stingy, hot tempered.
    Recently, my father in law expired. We all had gone for performing the last rites.I told her that we cud have got Mother in law some earring in gold other than the red pearl and gold pearl which we had gifted her when our first child was born. She manipulated it 10 times and told that i have asked for the gold i made for my mil back. I swear on all the gods, even my children i did not ask for it. My mil , bil all shouted at me. My parents had come ...my mom was upset seeing all this. I fought back as i did not want to be blamed for things i did not do. My parents thought i m creating trouble.
    They advised me to be good to all. My co-sis won everyone with her great talks.
    But i was not to be left behind. I dared to call her, bro in law, my second bro- in law, my mother in law and my second co-sis , my hubby and asked her to tell the truth. She manipulated but truth won. She told i did not ask it but she thought i had wanted to ask.
    This fire kept burning in her. After all rituals we left india to our place. I did call her two times after the episode..but she did not talk politely.
    Then one day elder bro typed a long message in chat telling his wife is tellg hence forth meera, her parents no body shud come and stay in her house. She told i think she and my hubby is having an affair. Elder bro typed a big mail to my hubby telng his wife is upset and that i always create problems in family when i go for vacation.
    I am straight forward and will tell what i like or not. But never i wanted the family to separate.
    Now the situation is..we all are leading normal lives but co-sis will not talk to us at all. She does not want us to come for FIL'S death anniversary too.
    No body from the house is talking to us. I rang her and told her yes i had a feeling she is flirting with my hubby..but later the trust i had on my husband won and i am sorry for my immature behaviour. She told i have spoiled her name and blamed her as a characterless woman...she is just free in nature and talks with all lovingly. She expects me to apologise for thnking her as a flirt. She says she wants me to fall on her feet.
    She says i /my children/my husband shud not go and stay in her house when we go for vacation.
    Now elder bro in law fought with all of us but now talks with children and hubby on the phone. Second co - sis also has gone far away from us. They do not call us anymore .

    Everyone has discarded me. I feel so lonely. I apologised to all for any mistakes done by me.I wrote a mail to my elder bro in law explaining my insecurities which i had. But they say i have broken the joint family. Now they say they never want to meet me.
    What should i do. My children will have no cousins. I wl have no one to help me in times of need. I wl have no place to go to when i go for vacation.

    My co- sis is very adamant . She will not forgive me. but is the mistake only mine.

    I feel like running away with my children. I feel like..... i can forget the episode but can t forgive as bro in law blames me for no actions done by me like breaking the family.

    Do suggest what will you do..will you go to ur co-sis house. Now i feel for good or bad i should be away from them as now they are spreading the news that i broke the joint family. I dont want to give explanation to anyone. I just want to live a peaceful life. Are relatives so very important in life that we always need them or can we do without them?

    Meera.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2011
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  2. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Help me Friends live my life again.

    Why is your second co-sis also not talking to you?Is she scared of the first co-sis? Sometimes honesty does not work...see how your second co-sis behaves. She doesnt like it,so she remains silent. You have to learn to be tactful. If I was in your position, I would just be calm and ignore the bad of the person. I didn't like what one of my cousin did (she married an already married person,who left his first wife to serve his parents.The 1st wife begged him not to divorce her as she is not so well to do otherwise),yet I had to be cordial with her as she is very talkative. We have to be very careful with such people.an example for a totally unwarranted statement is -you called her and said you knew she flirts with your hubby,but you trust your hubby and don't care if she cooks for him.Was this needed?Forget the bra thing...if someone came to my house and I cook for them,and THEN if the wife says I am cooking for her husband to flirt with him..I will be enraged!!

    Anyway,what is done is done. At the most what you can do is just apologize for saying that you thought she tried to flirt with your husband. Don't say sorry for the gold chain thing. Don't bend your head too much..if you do so,they will try to break your back. Do you get what I mean?In the first place,you ought to be quiet..if you wanted your children to have cousins and you wanted to have a place to go for vacation.You should have thought of the consequences BEFORE speaking. Now don't agree for everything and apologize even if you are not at mistake as then it will look like YOU lied. You have to maintain your dignity. So just do enough to cover the bridge. Maybe say sorry once,but it's not necessary to fall at her feet.
     
  3. smeera30

    smeera30 New IL'ite

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    Dear Rose,

    Thanks for listening to me. Second co- sis is financially dependent on first one.So she follows her orders. I meant to say- My thougts were wrong for her. My thoughts were polluted by my mil, second co-sis. When i was a new bride, second co-sis had warned me that hubby takes all decision after consulting elder one only. And also my mil had told he buys gifts for her.But u know i had tried to strangle my younger one bcos of this co-sis comments. It is only these few months after we stopped talking there is peace in my home. Or she will call, not talk to me , but to my hubby and children. She knew i dont like her talking to my husband, but will taunt me and pull me down in front of others. I have suffered a lot at her hands.

    But let me know...when she does not want me to enter her home...how can i go for vacation. She will surely not welcome me , or give me space to stay..how can i stay then there. I am dropping plans to go for christmas holidays. Or better i scout for a furnished apt for rent rather than staying in her home.

    Meera.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2011
  4. bramvi

    bramvi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi smeera,
    Saying what you are thinking without thinking about repurcussions does not work all the time!
    Whether we like it or not we all want to stay in cordial terms with all the relatives, especially ones like BIL or SIL etc . Hence we can never say what we think to them on face.
    You should never have agreed to her that you thought your SIL was a flirt. From what you have said , it is 100% true that she IS a big time flirt. But inside a family, such accusations never work and the only way to keep peace in life is to go seperate ways after someone has accused someone of infidelity.
    You should take this as an example learned hardway to make sure that you do not commit this mistake again. (talking or accusing on face on any relative ):bonk

    If her not calling your home, seems to keep your family life peacefull then go ahead and let it continue.
    I did not understand the last part of your statement..so do you feel bad if the second SIL talks to your hubby also ? (....She knew i dont like her talking to my husband, but will taunt me and pull me down in front of others. I have suffered a lot at her hands.

    If that is the case then you might have problems like over possessiveness over husband or something like that.
    & watever it is , don't try talking to the second SIL also, if that brings peace to your family..
    Also, even after the accusation does your elder SIL still talk to your hubby and kids alone?
    Watever it is, just stay cool, you have done your part and now its time to face the things that will unfold
    But at any cost ,please don't get into bad books with your hubby.
    Try to stay calm/focussed on the kids and your hubby and your life. Let them have watever communications that they want to, with the their aunts, uncles and cousins. For the family vacation thing, it is not a rule that you guys have to meet each other once a year without fail. Just discontinue that practice and during that period go somewhere on a family vacation to a fun place or something to take yoru mind off the things.All these depend upon your good understanding and cordial relationship with your hubby. that is VERY important! Tell him watever he wants to hear and keep things smooth between you both!
    Such dramatic/over zealous people like your SIL will not stay put. She will try to enter your life again by some other means.
    Hence waiting this period out with no communications at all is the best thing that you can do .If you think that relationship between your 2 families is very very important to you like anything, then you have no choice other than to ask sorry to her directly like how she wants you to! All the best
     
  5. arty2010

    arty2010 Bronze IL'ite

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    That was a looong post :) One quick question - what is your husbands say in all of this? I think whatever issues you have had with her you should have told your husband about it rather than blurting out to your co-sis. I dont want to pass a judgement on your co-sis character since you yourself have changed opinions about her carefree ways. What do you expect to get from this forum regarding your query? I think you know the answers already :)
     
    2 people like this.
  6. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Totally agree with Arty. What suggestion do u expect here?

    Are you referring to a bathing suit? Well, if she wants to wear it and flaunt her figure, whats your problem? Why are you so judgemental about her?

    Well, what else would you expect, if you go tell your co-sis that you thought she was having an affair with your husband? doesnt she become a characterless woman?? Please stop throwing such false accusations at people. If you trust your husband on these things, then stay away from such relatives, if they make you feel so uncomfortable. What is the necessity to win arguments and fights by proving the other person wrong and generating a bad will from everyone else in the family??

    And beyond this, you still want them to talk to you nicely, after you rubbish your co-sister's character? Please grow up and stay away. That will do you a world of good, rather than trying to reach out and making a mess out of things! Its not like anyone is right or wrong. Its about staying apart if you dont get along well. If you go to India, stay with your parents, rather than going to her place uninvited. If I were you, I would chill and keep myself happy, rather than reaching out to people who dont want me.
     
  7. dikshisma

    dikshisma New IL'ite

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    i wud sy that its better not to blame urself for what happened. i m surprised that ur husband hasnt taken his decision.. well i wud suggest the same as ARTY AND SSC That u shud talk to ur husband first about it and thenmake a step. secondly if u really wish to go to india then stay at ur parents i mean ur papa's place or with ur MIL nif ur in laws stays at ur ur family housen hey dont have the deed on their name then i guess no one needs t oinvite u as being a son of that family ur husband can go there any time he wishes to, .... but yes please talk it before u work it with ur hubby for decision and ur parents for support ok,,,.....best of luck
     
  8. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    From what I understood after reading your post, it looks like your cosis is extremely manipulative. And you should not be straightforward with a manipulative person if you cannot handle the consequences. Did you speak to your DH when you first felt the insecurities about her "flirting" with him? Whether she is justified or not in her actions, your DH should have ideally respected your views if her behaviour bothered you a lot.

    If he shrugs it off saying that she is just his bro's wife, I would ask him how he would feel if I were to behave like that with my sis's DH or something-to make him understand, if I were in your shoes. Point is, what is okay and what is not has to be decided by the couple. My aunt's SIL and her other SIL's DH get quite cozy with each other-I have seen it during family functions etc. Though it is quite disgusting for me to watch, neither spouse seems to bother so that is not my or anyone else's problem. But if it bothers the spouse, I believe that there is a lack of commitment if nothing is done about it.
    Telling your cosis about this instead of your DH is the root cause of your situation.

    Answer to your last question: You need someone only when you think that you need them. It looks like your IL family does not want you in the picture now. Hugs to you and I would suggest that you give them some time (maybe years) to cool down. Immerse yourself in a job/hobbies or something. If they come back, well and good. Else make sure your kids meet a lot of kids and make friends, make them mingle with your family of origin. Assume that your DH is an only child. Please stop thinking about the past-your children do not need to meet such a manipulative person. Just count your blessings and enjoy life with your family.:)
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2011
  9. smeera30

    smeera30 New IL'ite

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    Dear Bramvi,

    Thank you for your advices.
    No i dont feel bad when second co-sis talks to my hubby. Infact second co-sis is his maternal uncle's daughter. Elder co-sis is another maternal uncles granddaughter. So you see the family is in loops with cousins and cousins only.

    She will pass remarks if i buy jewellery- Anways you are not lucky to enjoy these as you have two daughters...so better save it for them.
    Your daughters will run away with anyone see...they are fair..and living in a foreign land...you will be ashamed when they become old.
    When we closed the bank loan she told..what you do in foreign land...stay like stingy people....you dont need to spend on anyone and anything...
    Now she is not talking to my husband also , she is adamant and says i should ask forgivness from her by falling at her feet.
    Here i would like to add, initially i and hubby used to fight a lot over her. But now really love has increased between us bcos she is not in picture. I was fed up with her advices, her intrusion in my life. Me and hubby had only one topic to fight- elder co-sis. It had become abusive and even we had decided to separate. But now since i am at peace i m finding that we dont fight .

    Meera.
     
  10. smeera30

    smeera30 New IL'ite

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    Dear Arty,

    Sorry for the long post.
    Initially husband's eyes were blind folded...he could not see the manipulation what she is doing. But now He understands my frustration and now sees me as a capable and loving lady.
    I had discussed with my husband a lot that i dont like his talking to her...and spending more time with her. She managing all our papers and helping to take decisions like buying property etc.
    We have fought like wild cats. Now when i take good care of home, my family, my kids he is able to see that even i m more good and responsible than her.He did stop talking to her on many personal matters....for which she created a drama telling they have enjoyed so much before marraige and talked on various subjects ..so now why my hubby is not talking. Am i controlling him. Yes i never used to like she discussing about sex everytime....and talking utter nonsense.

    I would like to know if i should bend down...as everyone in the family knows how adamant she is. So now all the members think for harmony i should bow down. Where as i feel i dont need to please her. There will be harmony but i wl be loosing peace of mind.

    Meera.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2011

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