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Should I Divorce?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lonely12, Oct 21, 2019.

Should I divorce?

  1. Yes

    14 vote(s)
    53.8%
  2. No

    12 vote(s)
    46.2%
  1. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    This appears to be a class action, instead of an individual problem.
    • Techie marries techie in India.
    • Both have jobs.
    • Hurry to have a child for multiple, complex reasons.
    • In-law issues and fights.
    • One or both get h1B to go to America. Optional h4B hell for one.
    • Escape from In-laws, but grim, busy life substitutes for that.
    • Worry about what's-to-become-of-me/us withers love life.
    • Stop talking to each other so as not to worry the other.
    • (optional: Take to booze to forget worries, ED: ♂︎ becoming õ)
    • Each confide in friend -- or Internet forum anonymous-advisers.
    • Advice: Wait till child(ren) in College, and Permanent Resident visa in hand.
    The innocenti who have no clue about what goes on in the lives of the younger generation ask this:
    In the past generation life was very simple.
    • Girl married young, and was sent off to live in joint family.
    • Before she(and her husband) knew exactly how body parts work, she had 3 children.
    • Her life was a tussle in the establishment of her status in the joint family hierarchy, and her children's health and nutrition.
    • No time to complain. No time to harass spouse, as joint family offered many other targets to harass.
    • Love/Sex - the causes of all misery was given up decades before death, with thankful relief.
    • 30 was the old 50: and then, life span was much shorter. All over before too long.
    Question to @Lonely12 : Do you buy or design/hand-stitch the halloween costume for the child ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
    yesican and nemesis like this.
  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    upload_2019-10-25_8-54-43.png

    The poll result is slowly getting to YES.
    There is a book with that title (see picture below). A very thin book too. And offers help to negotiate a settlement between two parties in disagreement. The steps are very simple.
    • First the parties become mutually civil (see post#3 of this thread) . Get a mediator if that can help you become civil. Mr. & Mrs. Lonely12 are already civil in public.
    • Then the parties list all the items of contention without any reserve (nookie, maggi noodles, upma, who-does-what-chore, ...included). Nothing is trivial.
    • Find the common interests (love for child, Mysore Masala dosa, for examples)
    • Do triage. Things of mutual interest, Things that can be mutual interest with mild give-&-take, Things that are totally disagreeable.
    • Do more of things of mutual interest, spend the positive energies from these into developing things that need a little give-&-take.
    • Don't discuss mutually disagreeable things -- ignore, postpone and be civil.
    upload_2019-10-25_9-2-35.png
    kindle version is also available on Amazon.​
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
    shravs3 and hermitcrab like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    it is a long time dear. first it will be ead, then after background checks it is GC .

    China and India have stalled at cutoff dates of November 1, 2015, and January 1, 2009, respectively.
     
  4. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    @Lonely12
    Think about your immigration and don’t antagonize your husband. Think of gC and not intimaC
    If your ILs are okay then go to India once a year. Spend time with ILs and parents. Go without husband. Tell everyone that he is busy with work. Attend any family function on either side fully dolled up.
    Going to India will take a big part of your free time that you have after work. Even if for two weeks of every year.
    Because your child is seven, that’s another reason you are feeling like you have less chores. When they are young, we are so busy and once they are 3-4 grade, we feel we have nothing do, and twiddling our thumbs.
    If he being, you laugh out loud (in your head) thinking that you are being mean too- because you are planning to get your GC through him and then will divorce. When someone in mean it is okay to be mean in return. Do workout.
    It will keep you sane in lonely marriage.

    On another note, all cultures have this phenomenon of lonely marriage. Sometimes they don’t have kids also. You have kid- cherish him/ her. Before long he will be in college.

    You definitely need a one on one with a counselor.
     
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  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    • 2011, EB3 , India is a long wait.
    • 7 is not too old an age for changing schools.
    • Global warming is going to make Toronto seem like Miami on the lake.
    A bold plan would be for Mrs L12 to emigrate with the son, after securing job and immigrant visa. Mr. L12 may stay back and keep EB3 warm until it hatches. Or follow the Mrs and be amorous in Alberta or morose in Montreal. Choices aplenty.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2019
    hermitcrab, yesican and SinghManisha like this.
  6. Lonely12

    Lonely12 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your inputs! The most valuable thing in my life right now is my kid. Everything else comes after that. So, I am going to patiently wait and see what happens next.. I will definitely consult a lawyer before taking any big step..
     
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  7. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Good Choice.
    Now that you know there are a lot of them sailing life in pretty much the same manner, come back often and dispense advice.
    Be well, do good work and keep in touch.​
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Looks like a long wait. I dont know about EB3. Is there anyway you can get GC faster than your dh? Mine was EB1,it was quite fast. Anyways.

    OP, I assume that you have tried your level best to create an affectionate relationship, (atleast having hugs/kiss/touch/or expressing something). But it didn't work out. You can explore methods to satisfy yourself. Explore more on this and live your life. I am sure you might have realised by now that, from IL, many people, even with active sexlife, have very bad marriage... it's not in our hands - many permutations and combinations lead to that stuck in marriage situation.

    If you dont have plans to remarry/ date, try to make your stay ( as long as you want) a little more pleasant. Take 180 turn in your approach to dh. Treat him like you treat any stranger. Now you fight because you consider him as dh. Avoid all those instances to argue or fight. Ignore him in other ways. Communicate whatever you want in calm way, if not. you can't text. Treat him like father of your child, not someone in your life.. But be the best version of yourself, cheerful, pleasant, positive and vibrant

    Create your own circle, focus on you and kids, try to find ways to enjoy your life to the fullest. Ask yourself what can make you happy if you live alone.
    Its sad to be in this situation, but be a fighter and use this unfavourable situation to your benefit. Visit your family atleast every year. Dont worry about him. You go..Same here, develop a social circle of your own. Live your life to the fullest. Take your own time to decide. The best thing in your life now is your career and your kid. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2019
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    just to answer your Q on GC. No , it can't go faster, unless some immigration rule changes, which is not possible.
    EB1, either she has to do her PHD or return to india and work as a manager and then come in L1A visa. Even EB1 is backlog.

    yeah it is a mess.
     
  10. Lonely12

    Lonely12 Senior IL'ite

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    @DDream Thank you for so much of positive motivation!
     
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