Should I confront SIL?

sweetestshweta · Jan 14, 2012

Thank u ladies..

You always guide rightly.On your advice,I have closed the topic from my side.MIL visited us after this and I behaved normally(although I wasnt able to be as chirpy and talkative as usual).She was trying to be extra lovey dovy(I could not understand why!!!) but I maintained a dignified silence and distance..
Thanx Ars,Monita and DST-you have always helped in difficult situations
It was good to have view of a male too..Thanx Satchitanand..

@Chandy939-My DH tried to intervene and explain MIL and SIL on some occasions previously but his mother and sister become really angry,irritated and blast him off..He is very decent and he has told me that although he knows his mother and sister are wrong but he cannot explain them as this worsens the matter and they start fighting.

@Justanothergirl:-When we are disturbed,don't our moms and family members give us the similar advices-to be happy,not to worry,we are blessed in so many ways and lets try to look at the positive things?? People tell me such things and I too do that.Yes,I know I am blessed in so many aspects and I am generally a very happy person.I have a difficult situation which you might not even understand so,why this negativity? I dont know about your problems but you have joined this forum so I think you too seek advice from others..What else would you do in such a situation? If you dont react-SIL will accuse you of insensitivity and if you try to be positive and lighten things-they say you are taunting!! Well you dont even know me and you wrote this,I can imagine how would you react if you were in my situation or had MIL or SIL like mine!!

I dont understand why some people in this forum just look for an opportunity to pounce on others..When one seeks advice and suggestions,please try to understand her difficult situation and then empathize if possible and if you can't,please be mild in reacting!!

satchitananda · Jan 14, 2012

Hi Sweetestshweta,

Just a small correction.

It was good to have view of a male too..Thanx Satchitanand..
Click to expand...

It was an entirely female perspective. :-D

sweetestshweta · Jan 14, 2012

Satchi.. :bonk Oops!! Sorry..

flowerlady · Jan 14, 2012

Its obvious that one cannot give such sweet advice to aged MIL or widowed SIL. They are both looking for empathy and some sympathy not advice. Elders dont expect advise from youngsters.
Maybe they did not like your tone or something, maybe you sounded smug to them.

justanothergirl · Jan 15, 2012

sweetestshweta said: ↑

@Justanothergirl:-When we are disturbed,don't our moms and family members give us the similar advices-to be happy,not to worry,we are blessed in so many ways and lets try to look at the positive things?? People tell me such things and I too do that.Yes,I know I am blessed in so many aspects and I am generally a very happy person.I have a difficult situation which you might not even understand so,why this negativity? I dont know about your problems but you have joined this forum so I think you too seek advice from others..What else would you do in such a situation? If you dont react-SIL will accuse you of insensitivity and if you try to be positive and lighten things-they say you are taunting!! Well you dont even know me and you wrote this,I can imagine how would you react if you were in my situation or had MIL or SIL like mine!!

I dont understand why some people in this forum just look for an opportunity to pounce on others..When one seeks advice and suggestions,please try to understand her difficult situation and then empathize if possible and if you can't,please be mild in reacting!!
Click to expand...

ss
There is an ocean of diff between an explicit query on an anonymous forum which seeks advice "what wrong did I do /what shoud I do" Vs talking to a SIL who is a widow and who is not actually seeking ur advice.
(Esp when u don't really have a great relationship with her.).The reason why people come to forum where u can post queries as nothing more than a profile and userid is posters here stand to gain nothing from speaking their mind...(given that the chances of u ever meeting me in real life is close to nil).
U came seeking for an opinion and I gave u my perspective. U are welcome to ignore it .

What amazes me is not ur advice to ur SIL ...but the irony of ur post. A widow needs to count her blessings(whatever that is..from my stand point she is going through what no woman /man should)...but u with a loving spouse can complain about distant relatives thinking ill of u.
U don't have to be empathetic to ur SIL and can advice her to suck it up and she needs to swallow it but when I point out the glaring inconsistency ..u find it hard to take it and want us be more considerate?

Count ur blessings is something I say plenty on the forum...but in real life I reserve it for very few.I say it not when I am tired of hearing them vent ,or annoyed by them because they are a drain on my time /resources but when I love them dearly ...when I cannot take their pain and that is the only way they can find some comfort.And when I say that ...my voice and eyes convey more than my words. For the rest I just nod quietly. If it was in this spirit that u adviced ur SIL I am 100 % sure she would hv felt it.
I somehow don't believe that to be true.

The motive behind an advice is almost always apparent to the person to whom you are dishing it out .

sweetestshweta · Jan 15, 2012

@Justanothergirl:- Thanx a lot for your time,effort,advice and words of consolation dear..

1Sandhya · Jan 15, 2012

Shwetha,

Direct answer to your question: No. Do not confront her. But, keep your future interactions to bare minimum of civility. Keep her far far away from your life and don't involve her in any of your decisions. Keep to minimum hi-bye level and just do what is expected of you re: her.

I read what you said here and in the other thread about her ego issues, and her making you call her. It seems to me that your SIL is a v. unhappy individual. There may be real reasons for her unhappiness but they are not because of you nor your fault.

Some people are only looking for an opportunity -- to blame or create trouble -- because that is how they are. Maybe their life situation is such they feel the need to stir up the drama. I feel like she is like a storm cloud of bad news looking for a place to dump her load. Why do you want to be that person on whom she dumps all that? Same in your case. Somehow by your responses you are inviting that load on yourself.

Point is not what you said or did or if there was a fault in what you said. So dont sit and analyse why, what did I say, dont get all defensive and feel misunderstood and bad for yourself. This is how she is. Even if you mean well she will take it in a wrong way and create trouble. The others in the family btw, also know this about her. That is why they are standing by helplessly. This is the situation and this is what you have to understand about it.

So, what shd you do? -- dont give her opportunity. Take this incident as a lesson in how to deal with her. Take all your naive 'why shouldnt I? why should she?' and put it away. She is who she is. No one can change her. So, learn from the past incidents and be smart in your dealing with her. Treat her as bad news and stay far away from her. If you are forced to talk to her, just listen quietly to whatever she says and acknowledge that you heard her. If you have to say something keep it to yourself. She is not your friend that you are talking to out of your choice. This relationship is one of necessity. So recognize that and act accordingly.