Should Dils Keep Guilting Themselves Forever?

Dear, I can soooo much related to your situation... Like you I was also expecting some goods words from my Mil. I still remember the comment my Mil told about the first dish which I prepared with so much love for my DH's family.I still remember the hurtful things she said about the gifts and dresses I gave her with soo much love.. hmmm.... Final conclusion...Dil's love and respect can't change inlaws. May be their old age and their health issues can change them. So please stop feeling guilty, which may ruin your family's happiness.

I will tell you my experience. Do dont go overboard on pleasing your inlaws. Keeping basic courtesy, being polite and respectful when talking to them, calling them when I heard that they are unwell,reminding my husband to call them and sending money is what I do now for them. I am not at all expecting anything ( literally anything) from them. But I make sure my husband is doing the basic duties and responsibilities for their comfortable life. This is all I can do. I am also making sure, I dont go overboard to please them and I dont bent even an inch for their tantrums. And you know what, I am getting respect more than before.

Inviting them or not, please learn some tacts to deal with them.Dont ever expect any appreciation from them( because it is not going to happen). In short, like an above poster said "play your cards well". Above all, Please stop feeling guilty for living your life. Take care.

 

Hi Naari,

Yes I understand that difference in families very well. But i feel even if the difference is not there in terms of liberty given to a woman, the rules are always different for dils. My mil is a P.HD and has lived life on her terms always. Still she expects me to bow down to her whims. My parent had thought that marrying their daughter in a well educated family would make me feel like going to a second house with same environment. But alas they were wrong. I was shocked at the expectation from a dil there.I tried to adjust but some episodes that happened were beyond my tolerance. That's when I decided that certain people cannot be pleased.So just let them be. I do basic duties when they come and thats it. I don't try too much.I read somewhere that "You don't know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."That happens with most dils. They realise their inner strength with such people. So only advice is to host them with your dignity intact.

 

@Naari, I hesitate to advise you without knowing more about how things were with your ILs. Were they abusive? Is the damage irreparable?

If the relationship was truly toxic, listen to your DH and let sleeping dogs lie. Let go of the fantasy and accept your reality.

Most relationships can be mended if things weren't too bad to begin with and if both sides want to reconcile. Strangers who share one common relative (DH to one/son to the other) don't love each other on sight. It takes work. Sometimes a lot of work. But it's possible to get there with some effort and determination.

If you plan to extend an olive branch, be prepared for your motives to be questioned.

If you still decide to mend fences, feel the ILs out. Start small by chatting a bit on your next call — share something you wouldn't normally chat about. If that goes well, you could make a call some day for no reason at all. At each step, establish your boundaries. Don't let your overtures seem like an invitation for abuse.

If all goes well long-distance, go on a week long trip with them on your next India visit. That should give you a taste for how things would be if you invite them to the US.

Take things slow, one step at a time. Good luck.

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@Naari I have something to tell you here from my experience.
Its been almost 9 years into our marriage. I never got along well with my PILs from the beginning.
Initially I've tried to bend over backward to convince them, and getting their acceptance, so that I can be respected and treated as their family member.
It was not my true nature to please someone this much, but I did it for my H.
I knew that he was taking a huge guilt trip that time for marrying me against his parents fullest consent. In fact, we have decided to get married after almost 5+ years of love relationship; thus PILs has no choice other than accepting for the sake of it.
Meanwhile, all my innocence and patience has been taken for granted. PILs abused me at various level.
Their abuse when I was absolutely vulnerable made me cut off all the relationship for the sake of my sanity. They went too cheap, and hurt me to the core. They even abused their son indirectly by abusing me, and spoiling our marriage. We were almost at the verge of separation due to this.
I could never respect them as fellow human beings, so leave alone respecting them as elders or in laws for that matter.
For the next few years I've moved far away from them at the pretext of career, and cut all the ties with them.
H alone maintained a very low profiled relationship.
After the birth of my second kid, we have moved back to our country for good, and settled.
Even then, I've maintained a cold relationship with them. Although I am not happy, I've counted it as a blessing to stay peaceful.
Slowly they turned up towards us, showed a changed behavior, and voluntarily came and mingled with us as if nothing happened.
They stopped interfering in to our business ( at least not directly), and respected my choice (specially parenting, house management).
Since I was confident that my immediate family (H and kids) are in my control and they know the limits, I've loosen it a bit.

Just as you, by that time I was also feeling guilty for not being able to maintain a great bond with my PILs.
Reason being my sister and her relationship with her PILs. Also my bro's wife (SIL) shared a beautiful relationship with my parents and us too. They both got married after us.
From my H's side, both of my co-sis (who got married several years after us) also apparently shared a great bonding with PILs.
They celebrated all the special days, festivals etc at PILs house, and traveled together and it seemed it was completely my fault to stay away from them.
My H did not utter anything about this even though I asked his opinions. But I felt I should relax my conditions at least by now, else it would become a loss for my kids and H in the future.
Honestly speaking, I've felt inferior thinking what would our common relatives and friends gonna think about me. Since all the other girls in the circle have great relationship (at least for the sake of it) with their PILs, except me.
So, I was forced to prove myself each time whenever I gathered with others like weddings etc...

Eventually, I've accepted my PILs. Reciprocated to their voluntary affection, helps, suggestion and what not.
Another few years went like this. I truely thanked God for this.
It gave me some strength. My kids overjoyed this relationship. PILs too treated me respectfully.

But very recently, when I spent some private time with my co-sisters for the first time since they entered our family, I've learned the fact that a leopard doesn't change its spots.
PILs can never change.

It seems they are heighly angry about my way of living. They still mistook me and cursed me for controlling my family. They cursed me for seperating their son from them emotionally. They shout loud about my parenting style.
In fact, they have pictured me before co-sisters family as if I am a dragon DIL.
And stopped co-sis from mingling with me.

Meanwhile, my co-sisters who apparently shared a great bond with PILs, shared their side of the story as well. Looks like they are abused far more than me, and they put up a good face before the world when they are with PILs, because they fear their H. They are yet to form a good bond with their spouses. They are yet to become parents.
Also, they are yet to walk out of this abusive environment.
This reminded me of my initial marital days, when I chose to bend over backward in pleasing PILs despite of the abuse I faced then.

This information shattered me. So, I've put a sudden break to the speedy relationship we had shared with PILs.
Now that we are maintaining it for the sake of it.
Just hi-bye
Just helps if anyone is in need
Just casual queries and less than 3 mins talks
Just formal visits on special days even though they are our neighbors
Just formal info sharing that too would be filtered appropriately

For the outside world, we are going great. But inside, we know what it is....

I am not feeling guilt anymore. Rather, I am feeling proud that I am able to walk out of this relationship with dignity, and still I am able to maintain it gracefully.

 

Dear Friends,

I am a 30yr old pregnant woman. I live in the USA with my husband but conceived when I was in India. I had pregnancy complication (placenta pervia) because of which I had to stay back in India till my 5th month when my placenta moved up and I was safe to travel. My MIL offered help and said she would like to accompany me, so we both returned together to USA. We both always had a great relation but things took a U turn after we arrived to the USA. She started giving me princess treatment i.e bed rest ( I was on complete bed rest for 5 months) even after doctor clarified that I am perfectly normal and like any other pregnant woman. I love to do my own work and when I refused to listen to her and continue doing my own works like cooking, eating out, going to mall for groceries and small stuff like that she started complaining about me to all her family members. She tried to cut off my social life which I refused. Once she realized that she can't control me her way she started talking on phone for hours , almost 8hrs each day with her family, siblings, friends and started complaining about me. Everything that happens in house like me and my husband going out is shared on phone with everyone. Simple things like I am on laptop, in my room, restroom, sleeping, cooking, food menu for that day, conversations between me and my husband everything is discussed with her family. Most of the time she would be talking bad about someone either me, my husband, her MIL, my FIL, her cousins, some acquaintances.

All this put too much of stress on me and my husband , we were missing our privacy, we needed a break desperately, also with my pregnancy I have an increased libido. We wanted to spend some alone time together before the baby comes which is due in another 2 months. So I asked my MIL if she wanted to go to her sister's place in Atlanta USA for a week. She asked me to talk to FIL and ask for his permission. I sent him a message saying me and my husband need some time together. We will be out for long hours and can't take MIL with us so could we send her to her sister's place for a week so that she wouldn't get bored all alone. For this my FIL reacted that I am asking my MIL to get out of house, I am not American to ask for privacy I am Indian, He narrated stories of how his bedroom door is always open and lives with his mother, We had 3yrs of time to enjoy which was enough, I am cultureless, Society will know that I am not getting along well with my MIL, I am using her at my convenience. He insisted me to even call my parents ask the same question to them and see what their response will be.

I am a very direct person. I admit that I lack the knack to ask things in an amicable way. Was I really that wrong to ask for some privacy. I wouldn't have bothered my MIL if she were the type who keeps house matters within the house. Also, I genuinely felt bad for leaving her alone when me and my husband are going out, so I wanted her to have fun. But now I feel bad that I have said something very rude and unacceptable. My husband thinks I didn't do anything wrong by asking for privacy. He has heard his mother's phone conversations. I am confused.

 

Why are you fighting all the battles ? Where is patidev in all this ? Don't indulge with the in laws , your husband should have been the one communicating with the FIL about sending your MIL out for a week.
Enjoy your one week of privacy before the baby comes. You don't want additional stress, so don't communicate with IL about anything controversial .

P.s I wonder if your IL's are jealous because they only had three years of action, that too with the door open and Amma hovering around .
P.P.S. I hope some day you can let the FIL know that K.sutra originated in India and is a part of our culture , so I think your FIL is not following Indian culture and is hence "culture-less" .

Good luck with the baby !!

 

I feel the bigger problem here is that 'you' asked. He may not have reacted as bad if 'his son' would have suggested and asked in a diplomatic manner with some valid reason for them. It's always better if the son deals with stuff like this in a diplomatic manner rather than the dil, esp a direct one.

I wonder if your mil was way controlled by your fil. Could be a reason why she goes on portraying everything in a negative light.

Ask the son to deal with the father.

If it's not working, jus ignore n continue with what you want to do, outing, long drives, intimacy. If you feel guilty about leaving her alone at home, so be it, just don't let it stop you.

Play music while being intimate at home if you are worried about the noise.

About her phone calls, let their son ask her about it. If she stil continues, ignore it. You are at your home with your husband, you don't need anyone's approval for living your life or the way you live it.

You have a loving n a supporting husband, so focus on him n you n turn deaf ears to everything else.

 

Ashneys, Thanks for your response . You were right about my FIL being very controlling over my MIL. My husband is very supportive of me and he did tell me to ignore them and just continue doing what I like. He actually warned me bringing his mother along with me to USA. He even told it on her face multiple times that it would be difficult for us and lots of conflicts if she comes to USA. I couldn't say no to my MIL when she showed so much excitement to accompany me and requested me. She wanted to escape for her freedom.

He actually didn't even want to discuss it with his father, he said he would buy the ticket and send my MIL off. It was because of her displeasure that I decided to talk to my FIL , my MIL wanted me to talk to FIL, I just obeyed her. She really wants to go to her sister's house but she is scared of her MIL and my FIL. Everything was over by the time my husband returned from work. My husband did say that he would talk to his father after hearing to what happened. But I refused because my husband lacks diplomacy and is very direct, given my FIL nature it would only infuriate him more and permanently damage our family relationship. To be honest I didn't want to drag this drama anymore. I felt it is more peaceful to take all the blame and stop this than involving my husband and prolong things. The more complicated the situation gets the more stress on me and my baby. My husband is already labelled as bad son, irresponsible, immature, silly, wife's slave etc. I already decided that if things fail, I will stay out of house for more hours maybe going out to malls or friend's place.

 

Sandy Candy Thanks for your response. Actually all this drama happened when my husband was at work. I asked my MIL if she wanted to go to her sister's place because she is on phone with her sister for minimum 4hrs each day. She was interested but at the same time scared of her MIL and my FIL. She asked me to talk to FIL and ask for his permission, I just listened to her and talked to my FIL.

By the time my husband returned home everything was over. He did offer to talk to his father, but my husband is very direct person he lacks diplomacy, he would only end up making my FIL more angry. Last time he had an argument with his mother for me , he told her to go back to India if she doesn't stop her interfering behavior. She was very upset that he was supporting me instead of her and she had to leave her husband and come here to help us. Honestly. I didn't know what to do.

To be honest after what happened I wanted to end the drama soon. Taking the blame and just letting it go was more convenient for me. The only reason why I came to this forum is to know if asking for some personal space with my husband was really an unreasonable request.

 

you got a good husband. lucky girl
if your mil wants to visit her sister,just book the tickets and send her