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Should a women lie about her physical past with other Men?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by abcdguy, Feb 1, 2012.

Where you Honest with your Husband about your Past?

  1. Yes

    72.7%
  2. No

    27.3%
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  1. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    There is no "hiding" if there are no "questions" asked. Noone is going to blurt it all out themselves without understanding the maturity level of the other person. Even if questions were asked about ones past....it is upto the individual how much she/he wants to reveal...and we have to respect that. If I cannot handle what I will hear, it is better not to ask questions and if the person was forthcoming themselves, then too we must respect that because they are telling us because they trust us to accept them with their past... and care enough to be honest. The fact is that the spouse had a relationship BEFORE they met us...not while they were with us....therefore there is no question of forgiving them....because it was in the PAST... and has got nothing to do with us now... All that would matter is today...

    BEST way is to just assume everyone has a past whether they reveal it or not...accept it and move on....and not brood over it.
     
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  2. nowhere

    nowhere Senior IL'ite

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    Agreed. What is maturity level? Accepting scandals is maturity? I agree some people could be okay with it, and not bothered about previous sex partners of the spouse. Not all will do. I do agree with your point it is upto the person to reveal to the extent one is comfortable. This would give a chance for the potential partner to decide whether they would want to proceed or not with someone with a sexual past. That is the way the OP will handle the situation! It is not OP's problem. It is how the OP wanted to lead his or her life.
    Everyone can have expectation of their potential partners. Just misleading by keeping silent is not the right way. In my case, I didn't want to be someone's nth partner. I was not given a choice. This is nothing to do with maturity. This is how I wanted my life to be.
    That being said, I do agree that there may be people like you would be perfectly fine with your spouse having sexual past.
     
  3. indianinbayarea

    indianinbayarea New IL'ite

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    Nowhere - I agree with you. Maturity is accepting your spouse and his/her past. Because he/she can't change it but ofcourse you can make your present and future a better place to live in. We are not misleading by keeping silent. It's just that we don't know how the other person may reacts. thats all

    You are right. Its upto the person who is fine with the spouse's having sexual past.
     
  4. abcdguy

    abcdguy Silver IL'ite

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    Question to the ladies,

    I feel this will clear a lot of things up for many of the men on here, including myself. Many of you have had a sexual past. Do you ever think about your past and compare your current husband to it? Second question what do you think regarding your past?

    ABCDGUY
     
  5. IndianFunTube

    IndianFunTube New IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]If you believe honesty is important, reveal your past but don't get into the details. If you believe honesty is important and also have a horrendous past, may God bless you! Just one piece of information - A therapist will advice you to hide your shabby past (which you hopefully regret). I used to watch this very popular show on NDTV Goodtimes called 'The Lounge'. There was an episode specifically on this subject and both the councilors who came on the show as guests agreed that it's best to not reveal one's past. Of course, it's a tight rope to walk on. What would I personally do if I came to know after marriage that my partner had a horrendous past? I'd go crazy.[/JUSTIFY]
     
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  6. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    abcdguy,

    I did reply to your 'original' question - Yes, I was upfront with my husband about my 'past'!! It depends on how you define past.. I was engaged to someone before I met my husband and we called off the marriage because there were lots of issues.. too many red flags even before the actual wedding...I hugged my 'ex' (so to speak) when he left after our engagement. If this is 'physical', yes I do have a physical past.. I did have a 'boyfriend' in college.. We were always together, but somehow there were no feelings of 'love'... though he did tell some real flowery stuff back then.. thinking about it today makes me laugh about all that (I am not making fun of people who have been together since then!!) Both of us were not mature enough to recognise that what we shared was just friendship.. we held hands, sat next to each other in buses... if this is physical, then yes I have a 'physical' past!! And yes, I have told all this to my husband..

    'Forgiving' is a very harsh term...It does not depend on moral values, but values that we hold dear. In my opinion, my past is something that my husband was not involved in.. So he cannot judge me based on just that. Saying this I did meet someone who wanted his wife to be someone with absolutely no 'past'.. He and I did get along well, but when I told him about my 'ex', he backed off... Fair dos, he wanted someone who had no 'past'. I agree with Indianinbayarea when he says 'sex' is something of a no-no when it comes to pre marital relations..

    This question in itself is not quite right...and the inference abcdguy seems to have drawn from it - that many women have had a physical past - Pray, tell me how did you come to such a conclusion?

    Mythili
     
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  7. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    abcdguy - 20 years back having a "past" meant having an innocuous friendship with a member of the opposite sex....or even a broken engagement where there was nothing even remotely physical involved. Now a "past" could mean anything - including an innocent friendship, a physical relationship, an emotional affair, an online affair etc... and not everyone has a physical past... sexual revolution is still relatively a new thing in india. When one commits to something permanent as marriage... it means they are ready to move on leaving the past baggage behind.
    If one keeps looking for signs or suspicious that the other person is still thinking abt the past and fears comparison...then it reeks of insecurity and lack of self-confidence.
     
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  8. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    I agree each one has his/her own expectation ...but did you voice your expectation to your potential partner ??? If you didnt voice your expectation...how can you hold her past against her and accuse her of misleading?
    In indian scenario, arranged marriages...many times the girl/boy is forced to get married to the person that parents choose...in such cases, the boy/girl dont have any option but to forget the past and move on. One cannot hold it against the boy/girl for misleading... the problem arises only if the girl/boy still hankers for the lost love and refuses to adapt to the circumstances thrust on him/her...
     
  9. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, its perfectly acceptable to have expectation that, the potential match should not have such past. In arranged marriages, i think onus is on the person who is very particular about such issues, to ask/probe. Its just that he/she should also be ready for rejection which i guess will be high and he/she might miss out some wonderful person as a partner. Not sure how many boys/girls will agree for marriage if they are asked such questions . Its not a crime to have physical past.
     
  10. nowhere

    nowhere Senior IL'ite

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    It is not a crime to have a past. Agreed. That's the way a person had chosen to lead his or her life. This might not be acceptable to the potential partner, in which case OP should have had an option to bail out before getting into the mess.
    Mansimahi, For records, I did ask but wasn't given correct reply.
     
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