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Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her own?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nithya001, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ladies , thanks a lot for all the advise you have been giving me. But unfortunately the issues in my marriage are too many. I need your help again to gain some insight in my problems

    My husband never gives me money to spend on my own, its just a 5 dollar or a 10 dollar at times, once a moth. This has been going on for over 2 years in our marriage. In the beginning I thought with familiarity he will feel more open to give me a free hand in using his money. I want to make clear that I don't use his money ever to buy unnecessary things. I understand his budget restrictions and maintain a strict way of spending whenever we go out for household shopping. I even restrain from eating out more than once a month. In fact there are times that we do not eat out even once a month.

    But the problem is he never gives me money to even go on shopping for grocery on my own. If I ever tell him that I need to do grocery today, he says we will go together in evening. I don't mind it, but today when I asked him for his card so I can go on shopping for grocery on my own, he said we will do it when he's back in evening.

    I am very much hurt that after more than 2 years of married life he doesn't think that I should have a say in shopping for the grocery even. My problem is I am unable to feel free to ask him for money because I am not working(being on H4) and hence their is no monetary contribution from my side to the house. But does that mean that I will always have to live as a dependent? I dont waste even a single cent, and still my husband doesn't feel free to give me money even to do grocery shopping. Is it like this in all Indian houses here in US? Does your husband give you money for house expenses even though you are not working? I want to understand how it works.

    I find it strange and sometimes wonder what if I become pregnant? He won't give me a single penny and I will always feel hesitant in spending his money even when I need it badly.

    Today I thought I would ask him why he is unable to trust me with his money, but I resisted as I felt like I have no right asking that as I am myself living off his income. I am not sure wether to raise this issue with him or not, and if yes what should I ask him? I am very much hurt and feel like I have no rights. I grew up in a familuy where I remember since chilhood that my Dad gave my Mom money to spend on home every month and his salary and details were always know to my Mom. I am in a bad situation here with no job, career or future and a husband who doesn't even give me the right to do household shopping.

    Please help me understand how much right a wife has to ask his husband to trust her with his money. And wether this issue is wotrth raising to my husband or not? Please help me.
     
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  2. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Nithya I am surprised that you actually feel that you are dependant and helpless not only on visa terms but physically in that case even your husband is dependant on you then for emotional support and running the home.You are his wife not his room mate and you have a right over your husband.

    Living off his income, you look after the house..you are a home maker stop thinking that your husband ,because he is working, is very superior as a human being when compared to you.I would advise you to have a candid discussion with your husband and explain to him how you feel about his behaviour towards you.There could be a genuine reason[though I find it lilttle strange] for him to not bog you down with household expenses and unless you have a tête-à-tête with him you will never know.

    As you mentioned that you have been married for 2 years, I assume you are close to your husband and can broach this topic on a weekend in a nice manner not accusing him of subjugating your independence.


    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2009
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Dear Nithya,

    From your discussion about grocory shooping,it could be two things.

    Lot of men,beging in other county,they just scare to send wife's alone without them.(They try to be more protective).
    If that is not the case,I would suggest open up your mind and talk to him and express your view and it denpend on what kind of person he is.
    Some people try to understand u and some people can think negatively also(so be careful)
    If it is just money issues like this and if he is taking care of u well with other issues like giving u respect ,not mistreating u.Then just forget this until you guys earn more sufficient money.If he still behaves that time also same way then you can talk and also you will be confident after more years into marraige.
    Coming to kid,you both should talk what is your future plan and also while discssing you can raise your concerns about the money.
    Nithya,you pleae forget all this and pursue your MS.That helps very good in long run and fight for to do MS.
     
  4. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Dear Nithya,

    It can understand how helpless you are feeling right now.
    Let me ask you this question - other than this particular issue, how is your relationship with your husband? Are you both overall happy?

    Also, i understand he doesnt give you any money for even small small expenditures. So what about his expenses ... does he eat out / party with friends, buy new dresses or other stuff for himself etc?

    This is not a silly issue that can be ignored and, I am surprised why you havent brought this up with him in the past 2 yrs. It does not have to be an argument or emotional discussion. Instead,tell him that we have gaps that we both need to discuss and sort out.

    Do not think in those lines like - you are not working and hence you have no right to ask for money.If you were in India, you could also have worked and been financially independant. Even if you are not yet qualified enough, you could still have attended some job oriented trainings and tried for a job.The reason you dont have these options now is because you are in US on an H4... and that is because you want to be with him.So, he is responsible to see to it that you dont suffer because of this.

    Also, now you are in the early years of your marriage. Husband and wife have to spend the rest of their life together. In the long run, there is no 'yours' and 'mine... there is only 'ours'. Tell him you would also like to be involved in financial and budget matters. Suggest that it is important that we both should discuss how much is the monthly income, how much are the monthly expenditures, what is the savings, on what we save etc.

    You should also have open discussions with him on.. what are our future plans - are we settling in US or are we going back to India after a while?
    In either case, tell him that you would like to get a job and contribute to the family income too. You can study on H4. So discuss with him the options of pursuing further studies.
     
  5. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Sabitha, thanks for your response, I too restrain from arguing because I feel there might be a reason he doesn't want to give me freedom to shop alone. I asked him he says he likes to shop with me. But I told him sometimes I like to be on my own too, which he overlooked. Don't know whats on his mind.

    Priya, I want to study too but what about the money? I don't know how to fund higher education and my husband never helps me regarding that.

    Reshsabu, our relationship is all right. There are some issues between us, but otherwise my husband does treat me well. Also he doesn't spend too much on himself too. If he goes to a party he makes sure to take me too. So I know that its not that he spends too much on him and nothing on me. Though he does like to send gifts back home to India. But what I feel bad about is that, I am a homemaker and if a guy feels shy of giving his wife the right to spend for the home then what does it indicate? Problem is if I talk to him, everything turns into an arguement.
     
  6. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Nithya,

    What is your honest opinion on this ?

    Why do you think he does something of this kind..what do you feel?

    You think as stated in your response his reason to shop with you could only be the real reason.Is it shop with you or spend time shopping with you..they are two different things and since he comes along he pays off by the card.Does he decide on what to buy or you take the cart and fill it only to be joined by him at the till when he pays.The reason I am asking you this is I am trying to understand if he is more worried about what you are buying or worried about you paying..
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Nithya,

    you show your interest for study everyday and see how it goes.
    But some collegs,they don't cost too much.By doing something,you can save some money before start college and after first semester,you can take up some work in college itself.
    When I came initially,I was so bored after sitting in home for a while and I don't have work permit that time.There was a shop near to my house where indians are running and I take up the shop work for a while and I felt very happy for earning and also to be independed.In the same shop lot of college going students were also working.Again it has to be family interest not just single person interest.
    So see what are the options you have to persue your MS.

    Take care.
     
  8. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Sabitha, I have a feeling that he does not trust that I am capable of doing household shopping intelligently. He perhaps thinks I will overspend. When we buy stuff, I always ask his opinion if I want to buy even a single thing out of the ordinary. I mean if for a change I want to buy asparagus, I ask him as it is an expensive food here. What it does is that I never even pick up on my own something that is expensive. If I do I ask him and if he expresses doubt I don't buy. I have a feeling that he feels that if I shop on my own I will buy stuff that I just want to try out. That is why he doesn't give me his card to go for shopping on my own.

    I personally don't like this, because sometimes at least I want to buy stuff on my own, without being told what to do. I don't think he understands that I feel like being controlled all the time. Or perhaps he doesnt feel the need that I should do something on my own too. The biggest thing is I have a feeling he does not trust me. Am I not entitled to the kind of dignity and say a homemaker should have in matters of spending on home?
     
  9. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Almost all people on H1 here have same financial conditions.Most of their wives are on H4.but its not the sam in all the houses.I can give you an example of me and my frnz.They go for grocery shopping with me...i shop,eat something outside or drink coffee with them..sometimes watch movie and come back(obviously when budget alllows).Infact my hubby get happy that i am having a good time as i am alone in the house otherwise.
    what will be happen at the most...you will overspend his some of the money...but after a while you will know what to buy what not.You will become independent..have frnz and it will a good time pass for you.I don't undertsand why he cares so much about money?Even if you spend a little extra money so what??I know none of us indian women are so dumb that we will buy things which we or our husbands don't need need or which are very expensive.So what is he afraid of?
    If its just a fear of a different country then also...its not gonna work that way.You have to be independent and go out on your own.
    My advice
    1) talk to him openly and lovingly.Show him your concern.
    2)Join something.There are lot of hobby classes in nearby local colleges.It will be the best utilization of your time and brain if you learn anything which you like.(You can get the brochures in local public library)
    3)If possible join some job oriented course in local university or college like itt technical institute.Even comp courses are available in all local colleges and you can prepare for certifications also.Don't waste all your time and brain in household chores.I am telling this from my experience.Do something whatever you like even if its for 1 hr a day but don't sit at home all the time.
    4) there are volunteer jobs also.Search on net.
    5) you can join gym also.
    At least it will give you confidence and you will become mentally and physically active.You can make some frnz also.Bus service is always there...if its not learn driving.
    If he doesn't agree giving you money for any of these or doesn't allow you to go any of these places alone...better you go to India and do something.
    Spouse is who could help you in your personality developement not make your personality down by criticizing you or make you a hastage in your own house by not giving you a single penny or not allowing you to go anywhere.Spouse makes your life better than before not miserable and bore.

    i forgot to tell you...i am also on dependent visa..i have my own bank account in which my hubby transfer money every month when he gets his salary.I have a add on card also of his account.Plus i always have cash with me in my purse.Touchwood!!
    ..



     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2009
  10. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Nandini thanks for the response. I too want to study something, I have been looking for courses in community college, but my husband always overlooks this. I have also started volunteering as many people told me later I can tell employers that I did volunteer work in my H4 days. I am looking forward to get my way to join a course of course not an expensive one but something in community college. I don't want to waste myself that is why I am always looking for advise on how to improve my life.

    I know I have to make my life livable, but how? One needs money and my husband doesn't want to give me any. I have been unsuccessful at making friends too becaue when ever other girls hang out I have no money even for a cup of coffee. I feel odd being with other girls. He doesn't see the need for me to have friends. I used to drive in India and got my liscence here too, but I don't even feel free to drive around as he makes me feel I am wasting gas money.

    Due to his attitude I don't feel free to spend even the 5 dollars he gives me sometimes. His salary is not high and that is why I too try to save as much, but sometimes I feel why he married me if it wasn't within his means to spend even a penny on me.

    I don't have the option of going back to India as that will break my parents completely. They would not even understand how a husband can act that way. They will feel they have pushed me into a well of unhappiness.

    I guess I will follow suggestions here and try to talk to him about this. He has been good in treating me otherwise so I don't want to fight with him. Thanks all for the responses.
     

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