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sex outside marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by kknew4, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    hi, I am male (42y) from Mumbai. I hope I am allowed to post as it is a ladies forum.
    we are married for 12y and have one 8y old child. life was going ok..but recently i discovered that my wife started a fun sex with a male (who is also married) from her family friend's house. This could happen only 3-4 times over a period of 4 years as she could only got this much opportunities to be with him while I am away. She consider him best friend and tells everything. After knowing, I am literally devastated and in full of depression. its very difficult to concentrate on work. I have talked to her but she won't ack under any circumtances including if we need to seperate out. I look all options including divorce but its very difficult to be away with child. I always wanted to be both parents around her. Few people advise me to ignore this and focus on your kid and yourself. but I don't know how would be my life while this will keep going (there is not a option to stop or 'that person go away' because the area we live). Since she didn't ack, from her side this thing never happened . I can divorce her but then I will be alone as I don't want to start new relationship in the late phase of life - I wanted to do something else on carrier side. But also I don't want to live in this mess. its very difficult for a person to be in who didn't do any thing like this.

    Pls assume what i stated are confirmed facts.
    I am looking forward to see your views and help in my situation.
     
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  2. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    I feel sad to hear about you. And I know the most logical answer would be to divorce your wife. However, how are you so sure that it happened?
    Anyways....I feel your painful situation. And the difficulty of living under the same roof with the person who betrayed your trust. But unless you have a solid evidence in your hand....I don't think divorce would be that easy to get either.

    If parents are stressed out and tensed....it affects the child more. So keep the home atmosphere normal...whether u decide to go for a divorce or not. Not showing your tension, aggression, frustration in front of the child....not insulting your partner even if she is at fault in front of the child is important. The child might hold you responsible for not treating his mother right, if you show anger in front of the child. You will have to respect your souse as the mother of your child even if you dont respect her as a person anymore. Try to keep a respectful distance from your wife, hold few conversations--and have some solid evidence before u file for divorce. If you're very sure she is cheating on you(and if you have evidence too!)--file for divorce.

    To take care of your child's mental health......the best you can do is--give a good atmosphere to him, try to be cheerful for his sake...no matter what.
     
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  3. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    yes..there is evidence. i haven't post intentionally in here. thanks for a great advise on my behavior with her in front of child. I have been struggling with this. I have been knowing this since last 10 monts so things are a bit settled and I am able to digest the info and is more calm. I think the main issue is that I am not able to start the seperation steps because probably i had strong feelings for her and she is the only one I had in my life. I never thought about others or if there is a such possibility. From her side, she is ok if I am not going to be in her life. she said she had got all good and she destroyed and now is going to lose eveything but if this is how it is then she is ok. She came from a different background where her mother had similar things and think that these are very common things happening these days. So they believe if I am seperating out then basically destroying family for nothing and I am giving too much attention to this and trying to be perfect. So i posted here to understand if this is a big deal ? She had sex few times and will keep doing it but I would have everything stable and be with my child. OR I seperate out and go thru divorce, maintainance, losing child, losing family, be alone and back to square one when I got married.
     
  4. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    Did you talked to her why she is doing like that ; r u neglecting her? does she found any problem in u? Most indian families after marriage and child birth they lose interest on each other b'cos of various reasons. Both of you spend some quality time on this and if required change urself.

    If none of this works then u can think of divorce . If there is no love and trust then it is no point in the marriage life.

    It is hard to be away from child but life is moving on so as our values.
    If you do that this stage then ur kid will overcome this as he is young and can't understand what is happening around; he just wants no fights in home.

    About the maintenance and other things if by mutual you are filing then not much money u need to shelve. But if required you have to take care kids expense. You can't run away from that.

    And about starting ur new relation why to think that u r in 40's and all ; it is ultimately ur life and u know how to lead : want to get married or going to be single however u feel happy it is on u.
     
  5. Pranjjal

    Pranjjal Gold IL'ite

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    Hi kknew4,

    Just tell her to sit with u when u both r alone no one around you. Talk to her. Did she accepted that she had s** with her so called friend. Tell her u didn't talked about this to anyone in ur or her family members or outside with any friends but if she will continue to do this then it will come out and what if ur child(in future) find it out that his/her mom did like this. Can u face him/her or outside world with ur shameful act. Tell her to stop doing this. Threaten her that u hv enough evidence to prove it and u will bring it out and will tell ur family members. Ask her if she wants divorce. Wait for her reactions If she says she don't care then u only hv an option to take divorce from her and take a custody of ur kid too if you want. But if she says that she feels bad for what she did and want to change herself or if she asks for forgiveness then u guys together can work on it again.

    After some yrs of marriages Men starts taking granted for their wives but one need to maintain a spark in their relationship. You may got busy in ur work and didn't paid much attention to her or failed to satisfy her emotional/physical needs or may didn't spent time together. If u don't want a divorce her you can forgive her and make a new fresh start of ur life with her and ur kid.
    See this is a very sensitive issue so think before you act. After all we all r human not a God we do mistakes and learn through it. I feel u both should think about ur child's future. If this will come out it will only create a drama to chew for others. So you try to solve it in sensible way first. Make her understand that its not acceptable in our society. People will call you characterless and u will be in extremely difficult situation. May be she will accept her wrong did and want to change.
    All the best.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2012
  6. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry I feel very bad for your situation.Okay, tell her past is past and can she be truthful to you from here onwards.If her answer is 'yes' then, you can try to forget those dirty things and try to be peaceful.

    If her answer is 'No', then there is no point in continuing this life.Better divorce her and live peacefully than living a life like hell .

    And for your question, the answer is a strong 'No' .You know there are so many people out there who are very loyal to their spouses. Extra marital affairs are considered as a sin and please do not think that these things are common now a days.
     
  7. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    I don't think it is due to neglecting her or related to child birth. I could sense long back where this will go based on the way she established the life for herself. she would keep that person around and share everything and as soon as she got an opportunity and matuarity, she started this. on love side, she says if she does everythig in the house, take care of me, child, living and doing all things as needed, no fighting, no shouting then what else you need & why you are talking about love?
    I had sat with her alone in a quite place and talk about this. At the point when she sees the pain inside me due to this and with my assurance that I would never tell this to anyone else, she would go ahead and say that she make mistakes and all sorry, you are better than me etc..but there nothing she can do for that now (btw this is not the evidance). This is when she is with me in a very close and confortable settings. Her mom told her that you would never ever confess these things to your husband so i can see when she is just stuck and helpless. As soon as we finish talking, she would become like normal - assuming I won't talk about anything what we had discussed and also if I tried to talk and ask more to clarify, she would say that she didn't say anything like that and she was just pretending something and nothing happened like this. These talks happened long back and i am not doing anymore. There is no doubt that she can see my condition and kind of of suggesting that she is ok if I do sex with whoever so that I won't conside this a big deal. Based on my understanding on her, I know even I push her to make sure she doesn't do this again and she agrees, I won't be surprise to know later that she is again end up doing - and may come up some excuse if caught (and then sorry...and you can do what you want thing). Pretty much conclusion is that - she will never ack even if we need to seperate out, and it is upto me to decide if I want to live togather in this situation. There are yound ladies in different families who live around the house are kind of aware of what she is doing and they just look at me helplessly.
    This thing is not started suddenly. in initial phase of marriage, in her behavior there was lying, hiding things, doing things on my back and stealing (but no sex). We had discussed these and fight with each other and then I talked to my relatives/parents and eveyone suggested me to ignore these as these are small things and they and her mom told me that she is just like kid and when she became mature she would understand.
    maintainance and other stuff is not expected to be smooth due to her parents and can go in any direction. But at this point I am not sure if anything in this situation is in my favor.
     
  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok u know ur wife is having an EMA and will continue to have it whether or not u are happy. U know ur choices..to divorce her or continue with this sham
    ...So what exactly is ur question to the members here..:bonk?
     
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  9. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    well, I can make a decision as to live w her or wo. while it is a serious issue for me and unthinkable act and I can't forget and forgive easily, I am afraid to make a wrong decision especially when child involve and if others don't see this as major issue. People told me what if you were not aware of this then you would be keep living together. Probably I am looking on how other sees this situation and this probably help me making a right decision. for example, I did capture this in your response - 'or contiue with this sham'.
     
  10. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Really sorry for your situation.

    I am sure you would have discussed, fougth for she did. It seems she casual thinking its ok to have such relationship. Practically there is one solution that is seperation. If your wife is really guilty and promises that she wont repeat in future than its upto u to decide to forgive her or not. Since its not easy.

    Otherwise you can very well lead life with your kid after seperation.
     

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