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Sex less marriage life

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by yalvil03, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. yalvil03

    yalvil03 New IL'ite

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    Dear IL ties
    I am silent observer of this site.Hope i will get solution for my problem here.

    I got married with my cousin 6 months later.Before marriage itself I have good relationship with my cousin.Really I don’t know what kind of feeling I have with my cousin.I like her very much and affection with her.She also affection with me.After some time I feel I was in love with her.But I don’t have dare to convey my love to her.But I wish to marry her.She got job in abroad.After that her parents searching alliance for her.Basically their family middle class and my family also.In this time I came to know she has a one side love with her childhood friend who is relative also.When I came to know this I was very much upset and painful heart.After that I compromise my self and relieve from that feel.As per her expectation that guys family ask alliance to her family.Evrybody happy for that alliance.I am also happy for her expected life.But unfortunately that guy’s horoscope not match with her.Whole family totally upset this issue.And she also very much upset.After that all the family members decide arrange marriage with me.I never expect this situation.But I am happy for that decision if it happens.After that I want to know her thoughts about this marriage.When I spoke to her she told me she is not interested in this marriage.Then I told to her “ok no problem tell to your mother and father and stop the marriage”.She said ok for that.But she can’t compromise her family after that she told me to stop the marriage as I don’t like her like that reason.I told her OK I will try to stop but I can’t tell the reason like that(I don’t like You) I can tell” you are not intrest in this marriage”.she not accept this.Becoz she don’t want to get the bad name from the families and relatives.Then I decided to stop the marriage.When I try to speak about this to my mother she told me that’s not possible due to their poverty they can’t give her outside groom.They are interested to give you only like that.But behind a big reason is there for this decision later only my mother explained me.Becos of her family’s poverty her parents depends her uncle for her marriage expense and future expenses.Recently My father built a new house.That house construction time her uncle only take the full response and spend the excess amount(near by 9 lakhs).Any how that amount is given by credit only but he expect the faith for help.He told my mother to arrange the marriage .According to this reason I accept this marriage.But before accept I explained my situation to her and I told her I have no problem to marry with you .But if you are not comfortable told your parents and stop the marriage like that.She told me Ok .After that her grandma asking her wish about the marriage she accept to marry me.After that her grandma asking me about the opinion I said if she is intrest with this marriage I can accept.Her grandma told me she is intrest with this marriage.After the formal Engagement we have six months period for marriage.That six months we talked normal things only.We both feel uncomfortable about to speak the intimacy things.But hope all the things will be alright after the marriage.Thats the think only change both of our life.After the marriage proposal I was dream with her about my intimacy life.But she cant come out her old feelings.After marriage only we found how horrible the life it’s!!I was very much disappointment with her activities.she never agreed to had sex.She asked me some time to relief from her old feelings.I accept her request.But after a week she told me she can’t accept me as her husband and she never gone with me normal sex life.So divorce is the only solution to save our life like that.I was very much upset and told her pls don’t tell like this we will go for counseling it will cure all the things normal like that.But she did’nt accept that she is not willing to go to counseling and she don’t want to change her mind like that.After her statement I was totally frustrated and depressed.I never told this issue to her parents and my parents.But after a few weeks I told this issue to my brother.He explode that issue my family.After that all of the family members scold and warning her.All of them compelled to continue a formal married life with me.Now she is completely avoid me even speaking with me also she don’t see my face.Lying his face down and looking some where.I understand she was totally affected with emotional feelings.She told me she have brother feeling with me and she can’t go with intimacy life with me at any cost.But his adamant argument with me only not with others.If their parents and relatives ask about this she told no problem with us.But her mother knows her status and she request me “don’t tell this to anybody.”.Now she accept to go for counseling for their completion.But she don’t have confident to change her feelings”.
    She told me girls mind fixed with one thing that mind nobody can’t change at any cost until the death..She can’t accept me as husband never.She is thinking me as brother only. beforeI don’t understand that kind of feeling now only I have doubt about her old love.How she think me as bro until death like that she think her old lover only husband status.Is it right?
    Now I need some suggestion from you IL s.Shall I wait some more time(another 6 months) for this girl’s mind change?I decide if her mind will not change another 6 months time I will proceed to quit the marriage.Pls give me your feedback.
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yalvil, the fact of the matter is your cousin/"wife" never looked on you as anything other than a brother. It was foolish and highly irresponsible of her not to make this clear to your families and to expect you to do the job as well as take the entire responsibility on yourself.

    You on the other hand, knowing she was unwilling should have gone ahead and rejected the proposal, saying she was not willing and so you would have nothing to do with this. How can a family force their daughter to have an intimate relationship with anyone against her wishes? It just is not done. The very thought is revolting.

    I doubt any woman can be forced to look upon a brother as a husband. Whatever counselling or therapy, at best it will be a compromise, and I truly doubt whether she will ever be able to whole heartedly accept you in that role. Even if she buckles under familial pressure, she will feel sullied and I don't think you would like to be party to a forced relationship.

    You have behaved decently until now and I think it will be in the interests of both to come out of this relationship at the earliest. I am sure eventually the family will come to terms with this. Help her find a good job somewhere so that she will be able to be financially independent of family (since that will be one of the major factors for her to come under family pressure). You too deserve to be happy. Find someone else who is willing to spend her life with you.

    All the best.
     
  3. curious28

    curious28 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah i too agree with Satchi
    the best way, as far as i can see, is to get out of this marriage as none of you will gain anything being in it just for the sake of carrying it along.... Both of you should find someone else who can fill your lives with love... that you both definitely deserve.
    Hope you will understand...
     
  4. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    Even younger generation should be educated about consanguineous marriages. All mixed up feelings here. IMO, only way out is annulment/divorce.
     
  5. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    First tell her tht u are going to tell this matter to everyone if she cant continue to treat u as her husband.. both need to hav good friendly nature towards each other before having sex..If she continues the same then tell all ur relatives and take a decision..
     
  6. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    I think there is no use in telling the relatives about this and again the relatives forcing her to have intimacy with you seems to be a stupid idea.

    Better get out of this marriage and you can marry some one else.But your present wife is highly responsible for spoiling your peace. She is the one to be blamed here.
     
  7. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    now that she has accepted to come for counselling take her for the same and see if there is any change in her behaviour.if not divorce her.you need not waste your life for her.
     
  8. yalvil03

    yalvil03 New IL'ite

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    .................
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  9. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    your case sounds similarto tamiljana user. are you her husband by any chance?
     
  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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